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Help I don't know what to do anymore


#1

Hi so this is my first time posting and I don’t really know what to do or say. I’ve always had a really hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings so this is probably just going to be me rambling on for a while. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts and self-harm for a while now. I don’t really know who to talk to. I’ve never been to therapy or gotten help, mostly because my parents think I can “just get over it” whenever I am crying or try to tell them. And since it’s really difficult for me to say what I am feeling, I would probably not know what to say. I haven’t cut in around eight weeks now, but I’m scared I’m going to break because everything feels like its falling apart.
I can’t imagine myself living past 20. It just seems impossible. I don’t know what to do with my life and don’t know what I want to do anymore. I have no inspiration anymore. It feels so much easier to just hide and never come out again.
I’ve been struggling with pretty bad social anxiety for a while too. It freaks me out to even hang out with people I’ve known for 10 years. I am starting a new school next year and I keep getting really stressed about it.
I wish i could go back in time and reset parts of my life. I wish I could be happy without pretending and not anxious and able to express myself.
Almost everyone who knows me thinks I’m okay. Only one of my parents and my closest friends know. People who have known me for 8-10 years have no clue about anything. I hide how I am feeling under everything and then just cry in the bathroom for an hour.
Sometimes I feel like its easier to just disappear. People forget I exist half the time anyway. But that’s probably my fault anyway. So I don’t really know what to do anymore. Thanks for listening to me ramble on for a while.

-Thistle


#2

Hi Thistle,
This is my first time responding to one of these and I decided to because I had to tell you that you are not alone. I feel everything you describe here and although I don’t have any answers, I want to thank you for posting, so that I can feel a little less alone and I hope you can too. Hang in there.


#3

It took me ages to get into therapy and ACTUALLY start working with them. I live in a home with a highly abusive father and my mother and sisters who aren’t much better… I relapsed in self harm recently - my dad puts me down constantly when he sees my cuts or sees me struggling. As for therapy… Heartsupport has a partnership with BetterHelp where you can get 7 days free therapy, maybe that could be something that is helpful to you as a start?
I spent 7+ years getting high on pain pills because I wanted to “disappear” and for me, the high from them did exactly that… It wasn’t until I opened for the FIRST time, and people came around me, that I was able to start doing those hard things - and I will have be clean for 9 months on friday… I never even thought I would make it 9 hours, but, I couldn’t have done it without opening up for that first time - and you’ve done it too now, you’ve just taken that first step.
I have a history of suicide attempts and it’s horrible - my parents don’t know about it, the only people that really know about how much I struggle are the people here at HS. I’m proud of you for opening up though. It’s a great place to start talking. <3
thank you for posting!

Hold Fast
Kayla


#4

Hi Thistle,

Thank you for reaching out and posting to the HeartSupport forums.

I want you to know you are loved. You are not alone. You are not alone in what you are feeling, or going through, and you ARE cared for. I am proud of you for being around eight weeks clean. That in itself is a HUGE achievement.

You said you can’t see yourself living past 20, but you will never know until you try. You said it’s easier to hide and never come out again. And sure, that seems the ideal way to go through life as being seen and having your voice heard is hard. I urge you to try and take that next step forward. Scary as it may be, it will make a world of a difference. Opening up and breaking the silence IS scary. And you’ve already taken one step-reaching out to the forums.

You have SO many steps ahead of you. I believe in you. You are so much stronger than you know. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.


#5

Thistle, thank you for reaching out. It takes so much courage to ask for help, it shows you want to change yourself for the better, and that’s the first step to healing. I can absolutely tell you, that you matter. You exist. And you are loved.

Therapy is a big step, but it could be a very important one for you. Therapy doesn’t always work for everyone–it really didn’t do a whole lot for me–but it’s worth looking into. It’s also a good idea to try to find something that you like, be it music, drawing, gaming, etc., that can take your mind off your symptoms for even just a few moments.

Once again, thanks for reaching out, Thistle. You’re stronger than you know!


#6

I am so proud of you for reaching out like this and for not cutting for 2 months. However, reaching out to other people - even if it is not therapy but just talking to someone helps so much. You can do this, you matter in this world, you mean so much to people and you have already taken these first steps up these stairs of getting better. You have to keep going though - because you can do this and you won’t feel better unless you keep going.

I personally thought I had my life ready and planned out when I was 16. Since then, I have changed my goals, my interests, everything so many times. However the most important part is taking that first step to find an interest, and be willing to keep exploring and growing - and accept that life is never just one route for someone.


#7

Thistle, I have dealt with something similar growing up with my own family; My family laughed in my face when I told them I wanted to see a therapist, because it was not “manly.” I would suggest taking a step away for a minute, take a deep breath, find art or even writing or just listen to music. Confide in that one friend that you have. It doesn’t necessarily get easier in the sense of the saying goes, but When you become aware of the issues. i wouldn’t say immediately get therapy, but Try to talk to that friend about what you should do, Trying out a therapy group may be the thing.

—CMDROrsus