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Help me, I'm lost and I don't know what to do


#1

It’s hard for me to say this. But I just need some help, some advice.
My family, as some probably already know, are a mess right now. My dad is in an affair, my mom is going through hell because of it. But we haven’t confronted him or anything yet because of my oldest sister who is in the nursing program and needs to focus and study to pass. She’s busy all the time and hardly comes home. So I don’t see her that often. I’m a terrible person for even thinking it, but I prefer it when she isn’t around. I cant believe it’s like that. But she always judges me for wearing black on black and beanies and stuff. I suppose I do dress emo, and at the time I didn’t really know what came with the style. My other sister went through it and came out, mostly cause she was just looking for a style and liked that one. Over time I started not thinking it particularly ‘emo’ just some thing Iliked. But my oldest sister, Sammy, drove us to school today. She said how I have to change my style, not overnight, but I have to because clothes reflects your thinking and personality. That people in the goth/emo style never get anywhere. It’s like you are walking on a track and that person fell down a hole and by the time they get out you are already a doctor or whatever. I shouldn’t care what society thinks, but I have to set a boundary you know, like not walking around butt naked. That I have to have that professionalism if I am going to pass college and get a job. I cant be a vet with a bunch of piercings on my face, i cant be a nurse wearing all black and freaking out patients. She wants the best for me, that I know, in the only way she knows. So first I have to change my personality and my clothing style, to not be negative and stuff. And that she knows I may feel bad and doubting when she says this and it’s because of my clothes.
The whole time she was saying this I was just thinking how wrong she was.
Black Veil Brides. They are just a all out example. They wear black all their lives and LOOK, they went out, fought for what they wanted, are amazing inspiring people. But I didn’t say that, because I don’t know, it would’ve resulted in a much longer conversation than we had time for, an argument I didn’t want, and possibly my music taken away.
My family’s strict, and generally assume from the start a low opinion of other people. I don’t want to be vet or a nurse. I want to sing in a rock band. But I keep that secret to my family. But I feel so suppressed. What am I supposed to do? Carry on as if that conversation never happened? Change my clothes until I am of age and can get out? I do need to get a job before I can go to music because I need money and I doubt my family will give it. But what would I wear to work? What am I supposed to do?
Please help me, I feel so hopeless. I feel like this whole matter is kind of ridiculous. All I want for them to accept me. They are good people at heart, but strictness to success is the only way they know.
Please help.


#2

bvblover16,
So tough, right, because on the one hand you see their love and concern for you…and on the other, it makes you feel like they don’t accept you…you just want them to love you and support you and be happy for your dreams and your taste and your quirks…but it feels like they just want to change you all the time…like who you are isn’t enough for them, like success matters more to them than happiness…they’d rather you feel miserable doing whatever it is they deem as success than to strive for your passion and give it your whole heart. You don’t know what to do because on the one hand, you want them to accept you and feel like they won’t unless you change, and on the other…you want them to accept you as you are! You don’t know what the right answer is – to change or not to change…

I don’t know what the right answer is for you either, friend. But I do know that if you change the way you dressed, it doesn’t mean you can’t love what you love or pursue what you want to pursue. I LOVE metal, and I dress in “normal clothes”. I work in the music industry as my full time job…I drum for fun and used to play in bands…and when I would play shows, I’d dress the part on stage and get my total emo metalhead mosh on. Not that you have to change who you are, but if it makes your life at home easier, changing your style seems like a very small price to pay for easing that stress and anxiety on your life.

Also, for the artists that I know outside of the music scene, a lot of them wear “normal people clothes” when they’re not on tour too. Just a thought!

Whatever you decide – I accept you. Emo clothes or not :slight_smile:
-Nate


#3

My messages are always open if you need to talk and I can’t say I’ve gone through that but I understand the need to talk


#4

Hiii i totally get what you mean about your style, i love wearing black, i love piercings and some of my friends dont like my style, but whatever right :wink:… I’m really sorry you’re going through this,fren but you have to be yourself, if wearing black grungy clothes makes you happy and confident, you should wear what you want. You’re young and it’s okay to experiment with different styles. Make your dreams come true no matter what, fren… Its going to be really difficult but changing who you are to please someone else will make you really sad. One of my friends told me that we aren’t born to fit into societys standards. We need to fit into ourselves


#5

I am the same way and it is hard to be yourself with judgement but I’m not ashamed


#6

Thank you all for replying and for your words. It means alot :slight_smile:


#7

Hey Bvb. We love you so much and are so glad you stepped forward to talk about this.

As someone who has always looked SO untraditional. we have walked a lot of the same path.

Here is what we thought


#8

This is hilarious to me that a color is situated to meaning where one is negative or toxic. I know that society thinks black is morbid as a color. I am an agnostic that leans toward paganism.
In the pagan culture, Death is not a negative thing it is a cleansing of a soul in most traditions. It is a clean slate. Most people worship the Moon Goddess that is considered the arbitrator of Death, but also life.
So Death is as much a beautiful thing as life. So I know society things people that wear black are negative nannies & hung up on Death. It maybe true for those that label themselves Goth/Emo. IDK because I’m not Goth. Yet not only Emo/Goth Wear Black.

In Pagan culture colors have significance especially in witchcraft. I am a particianer myself. I wear Black all the time casting spells on my clothes to ward myself from all toxicity & negativity. In my pagan culture, The color black is pacifist take on defense. It absorbs all toxicity, negativity & curses/hexes. (This means it not only protects me, but those that projects their negativity onto me. This is the reason I wear black. I usually don’t wish ill on others even if they deserve it & a lot of times people don’t intend to harm others yet they still do. The same happens in my culture for many people have magical aptitude but don’t recognize such a culture. This is why I wear black to still protect myself from harm, but also not to harm others that may not know they’re negatively assaulting me psychic waves.)

You’re not the only one that prefers their family (mother, stepmother) not around. In my case my family means well, but they end up judging me because I never took well their way of life or opinions.

People assume things. They have expectations (we all do) and usually, we determine things in a wrong way. The family does it, friends do it and even society. This is a problem that occurs because of the lack of communication, sometimes willful ignorance (or worse a close-off mindest) or lack of understanding. It is so childish. It can be changed though.

Good example: I know who BVB is (I prefer Disturbed myself). and I will also mention Skillet (which is a Christian band).

I personally don’t think you need to change. Just add some color. I have chosen to add red since red is my favorite color. Most Days I still wear black, but there are times I wear other colors like Red, Grey or Blue (and even then I still wear my black pants).

As for what you want to do. Join the choir, get voice lessons or get books based around music (especially the music you love). You can do little things to work toward your goals and make little changes without actually changing who you are or what you want to do.

As for freedom, you can find temporary freedom if you are oppressed atm. I, myself, live in a small town and even though I live by myself-I can’t do whatever I want because my family would cause drama. So I do little things until the opportunity to move arises. Like I’m mostly not disturbed at home or among my friends. So I’m open with them and do what I want. I’m even supported by them. Yet because my family is a Christian family and live a certain way. I continue to go to church, I even sing the hymns. I don’t believe in Jesus or that God. (I believe in the message that is wrapped in it though. You treat others with love and how you want to be treated.)

Some might disagree with me about my choice to continue doing certain things to avoid drama. I don’t like negativity in my life. So I do all things positive including feeding the willful ignorance of others if it means I can still live my life the way I prefer. In my culture, we have a saying that is also a tenet. Do what you will as long as it doesn’t do harm.

I’m cheering you on. Think and Live the way you want.