I went on Facebook last night and saw that my cousin made a post about her daughter because apparently it was Daughter’s Day. My mother gave it a so she knew what day it was.
Did I get acknowledged? Nope.
I felt the heat sensation start to build in my whole body and the impulse to split with her and tell her to fuck off is extremely strong. There has to be a good reason, right? Was she just too busy with my grandmother or not feeling well? I know there can be a lot of reasons why and that it’s not because she hates me.
How can you hate your own flesh and blood, right?
Splitting would mean I would loose my Mother. I can’t…I won’t…but I want to…
I want to fucking run and get away, to hide from everything so I don’t fuck things up with my stupid impulses and post something sarcastic or tell her to fuck off like I want to right now. So, I am here getting it out instead…
I hate that I go thru this, it’s torture…it’s torture. My head is just a flurry of thoughts right now.
Hi Lizzy
I am sorry you are going through this turmoil of emotions. It must be hard. Can I ask you tho what is this about? Is your mother ignoring you or does she not remember your birthday? I am a bit confused about what made you so angry.
Yesterday was Daughter’s Day and she liked other posts of facebook that other mothers made for their daughters but she didn’t post anything for me.
There isn’t anything wrong with our relationship, she is one of my biggest supporters so I’m very confused and hurt. BPD is telling me to get her out of my life so she doesn’t hurt me again and that’s what I don’t want to do.
Well. I dont think she meant to hurt you. She obviously loves you and cares about you. I dont think she even looks at it the same way as you do. Try to look at what your heart tells you and not your BPD. Look at all the times she was supportive and loving. That is what matters. She had been there for you when you need it. I have to admit I sometimes forget birthdays of my friends. Not because I dont care about them but because I am caught up in my problems and daily life so it happends. I am not proud of it but it happends both ways. We know we care about one another and remind ourselves in another ways. If you really place that much value into things like that tell it to the people. Comunication is the key .
This is what I need to hear. This is what I’ve been telling myself all morning, but then I hear, “she knows my triggers and she knows my fears, she did it on purpose.” It makes me want to scream because I KNOW it’s not true and there was a reason. I’m past wanting to split, that’s passed thank goodness. I’m more upset with myself now than what actually happened, because I shouldn’t be thinking those things about my Mother.
I hate that these things run free in my head and influence me. It’s like I have this monster inside of me trying to make me go mad.
You did not choose to have this “monster” in you head Lizzy. BPD is an illness. Some people have diabetes, some people have schizofrenia, and some have BPD. It brings its own challanges to you and the people you care about but it is not your fault you have to battle this beast. Try to fight the monster and tame the beast but dont blame yourself for something you could not have influenced in any way.
lol I have all those, schizophrenia “spectrum” tho.
I’m getting way better at coping with this. I was just talking to my BF about this and he agreed that if something like this had happened a year ago, it would have been way worse for everyone. I’m thankful that I can stop it, but it’s frustrating this type of thing happens on a daily basis.
Hey, just read through this thread and… Well done Lizzy. Seriously. This is huge, and so important to acknowledged. As for the situation with your mother, it sounds that you really managed to handled how it was making you feel. To calm down and not act out of a deep vulnerability at the time.
I just wanted to share this little reminder for when you feel this storm inside of your heart. It has helped me to ground myself sometimes and make sure to let time pass before making any decision. Hope it could be a good reminder to you as well whenever you need it - easier said than done when we’re caught in the middle of an emotional storm of course. But you’ve proved to yourself that you’re capable of doing so. Never forget that!
I’m really trying to remember to take a break before I react. In the moment, it’s hard to recognize that I need to, so I don’t always do the right thing. The right thing is happening more and more tho, so I guess that’s progress.
My mother and I had a long talk yesterday about what happened. Of course all my fears were irrational and she always brings me back to reality. Everything is fine now.
I’m so glad you found some positive closure there.
You’ve handled this situation REALLY well. I hear that it’s not easy, but from an outsider perspective, I admire and respect what you’ve done - reaching out, slowing down, even ending up talking about it with your mom. That’s wonderful. That’s how strong you are.
so she knew what day it was.
.
