**Today was one of the worst days of my life. I am a part of the Scouts program, and we had a meeting today. I needed to bring some important documents in order to receive awards and patches. As I drove there, I went to the meeting and forgot my bag with the documents. I realized a bit later and started calling my dad who dropped me in desperate need of help because today was the only day I could submit the documents. He never answered, because we swapped phones. By then, it’s too late. My mother (I do not want to call her that), who was persistent in making sure I got the documents signed, was obviously furious. In the car, she started yelling at me. She then started screaming at the top of her lungs calling me incredibly vile names in her language, threatened to beat me (she never does though), and said that I will be a failure, that I have zero responsibility and that I am a really bad kid . She then starts talking about me as a person not even related to the situation. She compares me to others and says how I am failing. She insulted the fact that I wanted to go to the gym, and mocks me and ridicules me and says that I am a failure at life. She complains that I quit dancing and swimming, even though I never liked those activities, and calls me a waste of time and effort. I get home, and she is screaming at the top of her lungs like a psychopathic demonic possessed woman, I am scared to enter the house thinking she will do something to me. My dad first supports me, but then starts getting angry because I am too scared to enter the house and am apparently making a scene. He says I should understand why she is mad, which I did… I go upstairs and lay on the hard floor, crying. I overheard her saying that every other girls my age is doing better than me and have some special/spotlight thing about them, and I don’t. The worst part is that she is right. I am truly a failure who will not amount to life. Today I also got my math test score back, which was an 85. It really isn’t that bad, but I knew it would lower my grade to a B because I was at a very low A (90) already, which made me extremely furious given the weeks I spent studying for this tes and my mother has high expectations for me. I didn’t do well on many previous tests the whole year either, so I get upset and start blaming myself. All of this makes me question whether my life is really worth it. Stuff like this situation has happened numerous times, but I think this is the worst situation out of them all. I don’t want to call or talk to another relative, because whenever I do they are completely useless as they don’t even live where I am. Every situation is telling me to leave this world. Please help me, I am lost. I cannot live like this anymore. I am a failure and a waste of space and no one truly loves me; if anything they want me dead.
I might have to write my story in a blog, so I can just post the link, instead of retelling it over and over. The essential part of my story is that I came from a really messed up family, and had to deal with all kinds of guilt, shame, and self worth issues.
So you forgot your bag. People make mistakes. All people make mistakes. They never stop making them. The goal is to make as few as possible. In your case, with as dysfunctional as your family is, making a lot of mistakes is understandable. You’re anxious, distracted, sad, and trying to survive really difficult circumstances.
Your dad shouldn’t defend your mom’s irrational behavior. Screaming is irrational. It’s irrational for the screamer to think her screaming is going to help. Saying you’re a failure actually provides evidence that she’s in the process of failing as a parent. It’s also a parental failing to compare you with others, especially when she uses the comparison to make you feel ashamed. Instead, she should be helping you discover your talents, and methods of managing difficulties. Sadly, a lot of moms behave toward their children as your mom treats you.
One of the most important tasks of parenthood is to ensure that your child feels loved unconditionally. That doesn’t mean not having upsets, but even in the midst of them, the child needs to feel loved, and that love can be trusted. Another very important task is to make sure the child feels valued, and has self-worth. That never ever happens when the parent tries to control the child through shaming.
I’m not saying this stuff to make you angry with your mom. Maybe she can’t help herself. She may have mental health issues. Your dad isn’t handling it well either, as he’s letting her bad behavior continue unchallenged.
The main reason I’ve talked about your parent’s behavior is based on something I read a long time ago. It said, one of the major differences between children who have a traumatic upbringing and go on to have a decent life, and those who continue to have mental health issues, is that those who succeeded had somehow come to realize that what they really needed in childhood was missing, and it wasn’t their fault.
As bad as things are, those are feelings, not necessarily facts. It’s impossible to be a failure while you’re still in the process of growing up. You haven’t lived long enough to be a failure. It looks like you’ve done far better in school than I did. I dropped out of school at 15, on the day the school counselor informed me that I would always be a failure. My thoughts when he said that was, “yeah, probably.” I was convinced it was true for years, but ended up finishing college with honors.
I think it would be of benefit to you to talk to a counselor or therapist. That could help you put things into perspective, and help you build confidence.
Your life is worth it. You are worth the best of everything. Don’t give up!
Your life is just beginning, and soon you won’t be stuck in your present circumstances.
You are not a failure. You feel that way because your mom’s words are impacting the way you see yourself. What she said to you was very brutal and unloving. These are not things that a parent should ever say to their child. Her behavior, her words display some struggles that she has and might be tied to her own story. It has nothing to do with you, with what you could say or do. The words she used to describe you are not the truth. It is only the manifestation of emotions that she needs to learn to process and handle differently. I promise you, none of this is your fault and will never define you.
I have grown up as well in an environment where my mom was prone to bursts of anger and breakdowns almost suddenly. Seemingly insignificant events could trigger very brutal emotions in her, which she often spilled on her children. This constant feeling that it was impossible to please her, no matter what I would do or say, made me feel like walking on eggshells for a long time. I have believed in what she said and have seeked perfection for too long. But it’s unfair to live with such pressure on our shoulders. Parents should be the first people we can feel safe with, and even more safe to be ourselves if not anywhere else.
You don’t deserve to be treated that way. I’m so sorry that your dad has taken her side and doesn’t seem to acknowledge the wrong that is happening there. It is possible that he is himself in denial regarding what’s going on. All in all, you deserve to be safe at home and your mom obviously need help in her parenting.
How do you feel about trying to have a calm conversation about all of this with your dad? A honest talk about the way she speaks, the words she uses, but even more how that makes you feel. It makes sense to be afraid of entering home when it implies to share a space with someone whose emotions are unpredictable. Could it be possible to initiate a real dialogue with your dad about what is happening?
You belong in this world, even if things are very difficult right now. There are ways to be helped, even beyond your family - with appropriate services (children helplines in your country can be a first and safe step). None of this is your fault.
You are so very loved, friend.
The important thing to remember is that you don’t deserve to hear anyone talk about you like that. The fact is you matter, what you think matters, what you say matters, and your opinion matters. I’m so sorry you had to hear those terrible things but that is not who you are. You are not failing. Life is not some test or a game. You are succeeding and you can and will continue to succeed on your own terms. It’s important to remember that you have to take it 1 day at a time. Sometimes 1 hour at a time. Sometimes 1 minute at a time. Always remember that when people say mean things to you, what they are saying isn’t true. You are not defined by the mean words of others. In fact, those words have nothing to do with you.
Hi Friend, Welcome to Heartsupport, it’s nice to meet you. I am so glad you are here because I after reading your post, I just wanted to much to tell you how much of a failure you are not. I am so sorry that your Mum feels the need to berate you until you feel less than and be so angry that you are frightened to enter your home, that is not right. I can understand your dads frustrations with the situation but not with you. There is something I would love you to try, its something I started doing a while ago and now it comes a lot more naturally, when I start having thoughts of negativity or I’m expecting negativity I write it down, I then write a positive version next to that for example when you are thinking what a dreadful failure you are write it down, next to that think how huge the word failure is, think about what you have done to make you think this, the chances are you have made a mistake (nothing huge, nothing drastic, nothing life changing) you can write I made a mistake, I’ll learn from that. That sounds so much kinder to yourself, it sounds like others are giving you a hard time, you need to give yourself some grace. Much Love Lisa xx
Hi Friend, I’m so very sorry that your mother treats you like she does. No one deserves to be talk to or treated like that. Know that you are worthy of love and respect. ~Mystrose
I truly hope you are able to find some peace within my friend. All of us here want you to be alive and well! You really do matter to all of us! It’s a blessing you are here on this world right now, with us! I’m so sorry for what you are going through right now. I’m proud of you for making it this far and trying to seek some help. I’d say, if you want to go to the gym … DO IT… don’t try and dwell on what other people think of you and what you do. Truly, love yourself from within and you can share that love with everyone around you. I wish you the healing light my friend, and hope that you are able to find that excitement in something to spark that love inside.
From: Dr Hogarth
Reading your words reminds me so much of that dagger-to-the-heart feeling that I used to get when my Dad spoke to me. When it’s your parents doing this to you, it’s instinct to believe what they’re saying is true. However, and I can’t stress this enough, your Mum is wrong. She’s not just a little bit wrong, she is completely, relentlessly, crazily wrong. I can’t remember how many times I forgot important papers when I was younger and I still do as an adult. Just the other day, I was meant to present at an important meeting and I left my pass key to the building at home. I had to just go back home. That doesn’t make me an irresponsible person. It makes me human and you are also human my friend. We forget important things sometimes; it doesn’t mean we’re not responsible, they’re just mistakes.
From how well written and thoughtful your words are here, you seem to me to have everything to live for and so much to give to this world. Not to mention, getting a B (and a few marks off an A!) is pretty impressive in my world. It makes me admire you more that despite the pain and torment your family is putting you through, you’re still managing to work and go to school. I’m not sure I would be functioning in your shoes. You say you don’t have a special quality, but sheer determination in the face of such pain is an incredibly rare and powerful trait. You’re amazing. Please don’t give up; this world needs people with that strength. x
From: andy23376 (Twitch)
ik exactly how u feel. i once went through this with my mom and now i’m going through it with my dad, him making me feel like a failure and stuff. it took me quite a few years to start realizing that i’m not a faliure and that i can be cherished. i am still learning to this day. u are not a waste of space and everyone here at hs loves and cherishes u. keep ur head up friend u got this -andy