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Help. Please

It has been years since I have been living in a extremely broken and abusive household. I get manuplated and beaten and then they tell me am a good girl. They expect and they get disappointed. And am tired. I really am.
Everyday it gets worse and worse and worse.
I have this kid inside me that gets overly excited when someone talks nicely to her more than a hour. And she is curious. And she doesn’t understand the hate she gets. Coz, you know, she tries her best. But it isn’t enough. It never was and it never will be. She cries , trying to find something to hold on when someone slaps her. Or tells her how unloved she is. She doesn’t understand why. Why her parents don’t love her. Why is this happening to her. What did she do to deserve this. When will she be free.
And I don’t understand how to protect her. How to protect her and make her hold on. Coz am not even sure about myself. Everyday feels like am going insane. I see things. I hear things. I am holding on to the nothingness that envelopes me.
I want out. I want to get out of here.
No matter how much help I ask I can’t get it.
And am tired.

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Hi autumn! (ur name is really pretty)
I UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS TO NOT BE ENOUGH, OR TO BE ALONE AND EMPTY…

please try ur best and dont do it, ur stonger than you think…trust me <3
if u need help please contact me ily <3
Bianka

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Hi @Autumn_annesley ,

The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here. We’re with you friend - Hold Fast and lean on our community.

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Hey everyone…
I cried (like baby cried) when I watched this video. I watched it more than 3 times. Am not gonna stop now.
It has been so long since I just felt such compassion and care for me through somebody else mouth. Somebody else heart. All I had is conditional love, you do one thing wrong and suddenly you are hated…
This video felt like a hug to my heart. I just wanted to go through the screen and hug each and everyone of you
Am 13 years old, and am currently living in a abusive(physically,emotionally,verbally)household. I tried reaching out to three people, one included my teacher. She said i was overreacting and am ungrateful(as a child new to all this it was a shock) and the two other times the answer was the same. Even my own sister defended my mom and said I was overreacting. My own brother bullied me to the point there was blood many times. Everybody watched. My dad hasn’t said a single word to me for weeks despite living in the same house. So I have learned that in the name of family, anything is excused.
So I just gave up trying to get help. Here the condition of children’s homes and help for abused kids is really bad. So that’s a option cut away.

I think I love my parents. After all, the bond made over years isn’t entirely made out of hate. So leaving seems so difficult…
I always tried to make myself believe that there was a reason behind this. That I turned out stronger. But I don’t wanna be stronger anymore… I just want this to be over. Am tired…

I dont know when this would be over. Or if am going to lose hope and give up. I would have ky bad days, weeks or months. But I got this far, what’s a little more to go?
Thank you to each and every person who made this video. You have no idea how much this means to me. It feels good to know that at least am not alone anymore… Thankyou

Ps. Plsz excuse my stupid ranting and me Oversharing. I want to say so many things but I don’t know how to.

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@Autumn_annesley

I think you’ve made a really good choice coming here, and you can see that ‘support’ really helps us though our struggles.
I grew up, in what sounds like a very similar situation. My childhood was filled with abuse and neglect that covered the spectrum. I was also blamed for all ‘family’ problems, because like you I ‘fought’ to keep my sanity and rebelled at the constant torment. I too, told other family members, and though they knew it was bad, they didn’t know how bad, and the decided they ‘couldn’t’ intervene.
You’re doing everything you can to deal with a situation you shouldn’t be in, so it is not surprising you’re tired. I understand how it feels to want it to stop so badly, and knowing it’s just not going to happen.
But THIS is NOT your forever. You will not be with these people for the rest of your life, only for now. In my case, I stayed away from home, at friends houses, and on walks, and any way I could to avoid my home.
Try to protect your little girl by giving her time away. If that is too hard, try to find some time for yourself to ‘regenerate’, and by that I mean, sitting somewhere and breathing deeply, and with your calm voice, speak to your inner child and let her know you are caring for her, and she will Be okay. This will be difficult. But it will end.
The situation you’re in is insane, that is why it feels that way. You, nor anyone else, should Never feel this betrayal, and rejection from those who are suppose to love you. You cannot change them, but you can keep reaching out, like you have here, to get the support you need. It may not be exactly the kind of help you want, but it’s good to know someone cares, and understands the difficulty you’re in right now. My heart is with you. Peace :heart:

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Thank you so so much. You have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you for helping me protect this little girl who is hurt. I will try my best to do this.
Hearing this from a person in a similar situation to mine really helps. It motivates me. I hope you know how brave and strong you are @gnuone
I have been trying for years to get some help. To get out of here. But to no avail. And I get really scared sometimes coz it’s really bad sometimes and my sanity is on the edge, so I don’t want to do something I would regret.
That little girl, she is so alone. And so hurt. And so scared. And she keeps clinging on to any love she gets. Coz at times like this, we gotta grasp at what we can get.
And what’s worse is that emotional abuse. One moment they says what a good girl I am. The next moment am being told to die. So, yup, it’s confusing. And tiring.
I always think. Just this day. Just one more day. But when every day feels like a month it get difficult.
I remember days when I would be just clinging on my pillow and crying. Why does no one show me love? What did I do to deserve this? I want out. I am tired.
And then again. The repeat.
I came this far. I hope I can cover the next few years too.
Thankyou

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@Autumn_annesley

You’re welcome, but I hope that you continue to post and allow us to help you navigate your situation.
My situation was a little different, I was always told “if” then things would be different. “If” I did this, or “If” I did that, then I they ‘could’ love me, but it never worked that way. I would meet their expectations only to have them laugh at me and tell me what I did wasn’t good enough. Nothing about me was every ‘enough’ for them, and Everything that I did that was ‘wrong’ was amplified a million percent. Perhaps I’m lucky in a way, I mentally checked out by the time I was 12, and gave up on them and on me.
It was the giving up on me that became a problem. One that I’ve had to deal with ever since, so don’t give up on You. This, what’s going on around you, is NOT You.
I spent countless nights crying into my pillow, and I know how Alone you feel, but you’re not alone, you are here, and I care what happens to you. You didn’t “deserve” this, NO WAY! No one ever deserves to be treated like they don’t matter.
As for love, that was really tricky for me, cause I didn’t experience love. I didn’t have an idea what it was like for someone to care for me, so I didn’t have good boundaries. If someone showed me ‘any’ attention, I thought it meant they cared, but for the most part, that wasn’t the case.
This will end, and what you want is to come out of this as ‘intact’ as possible. That means doing what you’re doing, reaching out. You’ve come “this far” because somewhere inside of you, You know how much You matter, and that’s just as it should be, You should know, down to your toes, that YOU matter, because that is the truth. Believe in You. Peace