So I missed a appointment today do to fall asleep cuz I been having issues sleeping while I waited for the doctors office to answer the phone I became INCREDIBLY pissed off with my and started punching and clawing at my self I ended up bloodying my nose and I have a few scratches and bruises nothing major but I wanna know why I feel this urge and need to attack my self when I fuck up in some way I had been 7 months clean of self harm and now I’m back too zero I wanted to scream but couldn’t cuz others are in the house and I don’t wanna scare the animals I can’t find anything solid on this form of self harm/self abuse if anyone can give me any ideas I’d be thankful
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There is an instant when a decision is made. It occurs and passes so quickly, it’s rarely noticed. It often happens without consciously thinking about it. That instant occurs during that tiny bit of time between when you realize you’ve disappointed yourself, and when the SH starts. There’s a brief instant of freedom to make a choice between SH and self-directed compassion. There’s a choice to either become angry, or focused on how to prevent a reoccurrence of the thing that happened.
Self-directed anger causes a loss of focus, and programs the subconscious to believe you’re not capable of changing whatever you need to, in order to prevent another troubling episode.
So, say you overslept. The seconds that follow that discovery is when a reaction is chosen, either to hurt yourself, or tell yourself, “Yeah, I messed up, but that’s part of being human. Now I need to figure out how to keep this from happening again.”
If you wish to have empowerment to change negative habits, you need to nurture positive thoughts about yourself, something along the lines of “I’m a good and capable person, even if I sometimes make mistakes.” You might want to say something like “I’m a good person who needs to change some habits.”
After 7 months of no self-harm, you’re not back to zero. There’s nothing zero about 7 months of success. Now you know you can make it at least that long again, and maybe by that time, if you’ve gotten into the habit of treating yourself with more kindness, SH won’t be a problem.
BTW, is it possible to schedule appointments for a time when you’re usually awake? That’s what I do. I never schedule morning appointments, because sometimes, I get super sleepy after breakfast, and I can’t predict when that will happen. On some days, I can drink 3 cups of strong coffee and go to sleep immediately.
We have a calendar on the wall with all our appointments, so if I forget, my wife will remind me. If you have a calendar or message board to use, maybe someone can see it and help you remember or wake up.
Thanks for being here! Wings
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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ
Hi Derpplup, I’m sorry that your having problems with self harm. It takes a lot of work to break free from this and you did it for 7 months and that’s awesome. For me, I’ve learned in therapy to recognize the way my body feels when I am triggered. I can catch myself before I act on impulses and urges a lot of the times and this works for just about everything. Once you are aware it’s a lot easier. In order to figure out why you’re self harming, therapy would be my #1 suggestion. You matter! ~Mystrose
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From: Dr Hogarth
Hi Derpplup,
Ah friend. I’ve missed more doctor’s appointments than I care to remember because I fell asleep. I always feel so ashamed when it happens. I’m so sorry that this made you self-harm. Going 7 months clean though; that’s amazing and you should be proud. Every road to recovery has set backs and this doesn’t have to set you off course.
I can’t personally give you any specific advise. Do you have a therapist you can speak to about strategies? All I can say is that I think that this episode isn’t the be-all and end-all, you’re still on track and you’re allowed to have slip-ups on that journey.
All my love friend x
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Hey Derpplup,
I am sorry to hear that you’re going through this stressful situation. I know saying “don’t be too hard on yourself” doesn’t make it better… but I’ll say it anyway. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We are human, and humans make mistakes.
Don’t view this as “I lost 7 months, now I am back to square zero”. You earned and learned those 7 months, and that doesn’t go away just because this happened. You didn’t lose what brought you those 7 months. Pick back up where you feel like you left off, and keep going on with your journey of non-self harm, friend. Take this as a learning experience, not a failure.
As for wanting to know why you do this, my best advice would be to find a friend/family/ (counselor if you have one you like) to talk this out this. When I’m trying to figure out a ‘why’ with myself, I just babble and talk until things start to click. And if the one whom I’m talking to asks questions back, all the better. It feels silly at times… but that’s what has worked for me. At any rate, I wish you the best of luck with this, friend.
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From: susieqzz
I am so sorry you feel these urges to self harm. It such a difficult thing to overcome.
Self harming urges can come from anything deep within, it’s so important to get down to the root of why you feel them. Once you figure out why you feel the need to self harm, you will be able to attack it at the root and work on healing so the urges go away. Therapy can help a ton!
I think it is HUGE that you went 7 months long without an incident! What a huge thing to celebrate. Don’t look at this as a setback, you made it so much further than you ever have before and that’s something to be proud of. ALL progress is good progress. Be gentle and kind to yourself, you are doing your absolute best! We are here for you and rooting you on.
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From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hey Derpplup. It can be so hard not to get angry with yourself when accidents happen and falling asleep was not intentional, it was indeed an accident because you were tired and you missed your appointment by accident and not on purpose so I wonder if maybe instead of being so mad with yourself have a think about how you would speak to a friend or loved one if they were telling you this story, would you be angry with them or give them grace and say its ok, take a breath and not to worry? I think you should give yourself some grace, take a breath and be kinder to yourself. As for your 7 months, its not back to zero, just continue from now. everyone is allowed a blip, I am sorry you had one but its ok. Love Lisalovesfeathers. x
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