Help * Trigger warning*

I feel so helpless these days. On some days it feels like I don’t want to live anymore. I relapsed 4 days ago trying to kill myself but I failed at it. I was going to end my life again last night with twice the dose that would kill me but a lot of people care about me and would hate to see me go. I am stuck here and don’t know what to do. I have school to do as in Film School to complete. I feel like I am a complete failure. I have cut myself in the past but have been clean and sober from that for a year now. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I have to keep certain things from my therapist. If I tell him I want to kill myself he will psych me. I just feel so helpless being locked in my house all the time with no job and from this pandemic going on. I wish I had a better life. And I have been so depressed from my kitty passing from last year from cancer I miss him so much I wish I could go and be up there with him so badly. I just wish I had a better life. I don’t get along with my mom that much. I have a disability, so I am on meds so the meds I take are locked up so I do not OD on them but I try to get access to any type that I can so I can end things. But I just don’t know what to do anymore.

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Hold on to hope! In 2007, I was in a similar state of mind. Here I am, and glad of it.

So, you’re holding stuff back from your therapist because you don’t want to be placed in a facility? So weighing the options, which sounds worse, death or spending a bit of time in a facility? Your therapist may or may not recommend inpatient time. It might be a matter of medication adjustment.

You can give in to a compulsion toward self-harm or worse, or you can accept the very real option of one day standing in a forest trail, listening to a gentle breeze passing through the trees. Maybe you can change the fate of a single animal that’s in a shelter on death row.

Depressed people tend to feel isolated. It’s not easy to be around someone who’s depressed because it’s frustrating to be unable to help. Yet, you are not alone. There are people who understand. Don’t be afraid to face the possible ramifications of being honest with your therapist. It beats hiding in a dark place.

Let me know how you’re doing.

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Thanks so much for replying. I try my best, but it’s hard. I have friends that care a lot about me, but they don’t know a way to help me out. I reached out to my therapist and he said let me know whether or not I needed to ne psyched. I really can’t have that done because I am going through school online right now and if my mother finds out that I have been experiencing suicidal thoughts and that I relapsed then that’s the end of my Film School career so I try my best. I have been struggling for a long time with things. I have a friend who lives in AZ who cares about me, but really doesn’t know a way to help me with the things I am going through. He found out that I tried to take my own life four days ago, but I survived and he got upset. But the point is that I struggle to survive each and every day. I wish things would be much easier, but it won’t be for a while until things open back up. I hope things will get better in time. It will take time for me to recover but I’ve had a tough life, even though I live with my mom and my sister. So things have not been easy for me

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From: jezliee

I was talking about a similar thing nkt too long ago. when there’s one big stressor that we don’t really have control over, suddenly every single thing feels impossible even when it usually would not. that’s a very common thing, but it can feel so isolating because just like… why isn’t it just better?! it’s because of a million little other things you might not even realize

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From: appy4248

It’s always the darkest before the dawn. You are so strong. I wish I could study in Film School like you. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to be like everyone else, human. Please take your feelings into account and allow yourself to face what the root of the troubles are and soon you will be a stronger individual.

I get this feeling… I have tried several time to collect up any medication I can get my hands on in order to OD… I lost one of my fur babies a little over a year ago, and I still to this day gets those thoughts of wanting to be with him… Like you, the thing that kept me going through those moments was the knowledge that I would be causing pain to the people I love… After losing one of my best friends to an OD, that feeling is even stronger now. I think this is something you need to talk over with your therapist. They’re there to help, and honestly, maybe right now it’s what is needed to get you back on track. Maybe talking to your therapist about this fear is something that you can do. It’s scary, sure, but you won’t know until you try. You’re worth it.

Thank you for posting. <3

Hold Fast
Kayla

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From: starkirb7

you are worth it to take time off for yourself. Whatever that looks like is up to you. Put your mental health first, it is so so important.

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Thank you . I’m scared that if I do talk about these things to him, then he will psych me and that will be the end of my film school career so I just don’t think it’s the best idea. I try my best each and every day but it’s hard. I even try talking with my mom, but she just won’t listen to what I have to say. I will never again touch any type of drug or try to self-harm because if I try again then I know that I’ll end up dying and that my family and friends will be pissed off at me for doing that.

Thanks, it has been a very tough time for me. I’ve tried my very best to cope with the loss of my kitty for a year now and it’s been hard. I’ve had my ups and the downs days, so it’s not been easy for me. My therapist has tried to get me to not do these things and to do creative things instead. I cannot, however tell him that I overdosed on pills five days ago because he will tell my mother and that will become a disaster which will end my film school career for sure. If he tells my mom then my mom will get angry and she will for sure drop me off at a psych hospital and I will end up staying there longer than ten days. I am committed to never again touching drugs or hurting myself it’s going to be a long recovery process for me

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Thanks for that. I do my best each and every day.

Hey friend. We covered your topic on stream today. Here’s the live video response:

Hold Fast <3

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Thank you, I’m doing better.
I’ve made a commitment through recovery in support groups and everything

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I’m so very glad to hear this. Another thing to consider, all the days and difficulties you’ve already survived. Clearly, you can recall a great deal of accumulated evidence that indeed, you are a survivor. You have even survived your attempts to not survive. It’s a miracle that you are alive. Being alive itself is a miracle. You are here for a reason, which includes your choice of purpose and meaning.

When I was in that dark place, I got around to asking myself, “can I make it for the next ten minutes?” “Can I make through this assignment?” “Can I get out of bed, and dress myself?” In other words, instead of thinking about all the things that would face me each day, I just took on little bite sized chunks of work and time, then allowed myself to feel pretty good for accomplishing what I needed to do during that short segment of time. Hour by hour, I established a series of small successes, which helped build confidence in the ability to continue the process.

Your goal may be to build a cathedral, but in the moment, your only concern is to place a single brick. When the brick is in place, allow yourself a smile. Then repeat the process as many times as desired. It can be at least as satisfying as popping bubble wrap!

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