I apologize in advance for the many cuss words that will be in this post. I hope I’ve typed all the TWs, I’m so sorry if I haven’t.
God I wish I wasn’t making this post. But I can’t fucking keep going on like this. I keep going back to old habits. Old, harmful ways of coping. I thought I was getting better. I was happy, I was clean for a month. But today. Today I fucked up. I found my blade again and, well every thought I pushed away came flooding back. I told myself that one wouldn’t hurt. One little cut. One became two, two became three. I totaled 10 new cuts before I could fucking stop myself. I just want this to go the hell away. When my cutting first started getting bad and I noticed it was bad; It was really fucking bad. I was totaling 100 or more cuts a day. I had carved the word “Liar” into my left thigh, and “Useless” into the other one. I had even moved to cutting my wrist, I’d never cut there before. I don’t want to go down that road again. I can’t. I just can’t. But I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything I could think of. Therapy, distracting myself, cold showers, rubber bands, glue, everything that people have advised me to try. My therapist thinks I’ve been doing great, but I only have 30 minutes. And fuck, that does not work for me. But my fucking need for things to stay the same prevents me from doing shit about it. She tries to get me to lead the sessions but I suck at talking to people. Not like being shy or shit, I have autism, GAD and what the diagnosticians called selective mutism so talking to people is stressful as hell. Bit of a tangent there sorry. I’d really like some advice. Anything.
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Hi there @Geronimo 
Thank you for sharing your story - it’s brave of you to do such a thing! The pain you are in is visible, it can be felt by your words. it’s in that spirit that I hope my words to you are of some comfort. Relapses are common, but that doesn’t mean progress is erased. You will find the strength again.
Every day is a fresh chance, a new start. You feel alone just now, but it won’t feel this way forever. Reaching out here is a massive first step, but asking for help would be an even bigger step. Perhaps it may be a good idea to share your feelings with your therapist? Explain that you don’t feel 30 mins is long enough for an appointment and that you’d like a different approach.
Therapy should work for you. That’s the least you deserve. The search for what helps is okay. Recovery isn’t an easy ride, but your strength is already showing. Keep reaching out and don’t be too hard on yourself. Your courage and your desire to get better are powerful, and they will guide you through this.
Keep fighting—you are worth it 🩵
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My friend, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for posting, thank you for your bravery. Your honesty. I dont have the best advice, as Im not a doctor or anything. But person to person, I think you’re doing better than you give yourself credit for - Here we go again. (TW: self-harm, vulgar language) - HeartSupport / Support - heartsupport — Mozilla Firefox - 24 July 2024 | Loom
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Thank you for sharing @HeartSupport_Server
@Geronimo.
As a mother hearing the pain of cutting yourself and the feeling of not being able to be worthy and all these negative thoughts sorrounding your mind. Just know your are worthy, you are loved, your are beautiful, you can do this, you can fight back your life again, but it will take a lot of working process i can say.
I have a teen daughter who use to cut herself it was pretty bad to see and go through that my child being in pain or suffering because of Trauma. The fact that it lead to taking medication, being evaluated, psychiatrist on a weekly basis,.trust me ut wasnt easy for her as well but she did pudh through by avoiding a lot of things in her life, including negative people, that included family.
A lot of journaling, speak to a friend and family, taking walks to nature, enjoying the sun, etc…
But, like i said earlier she manage to make it through after 2years of self harming herself.
Proudly to say I am glad and proud of the work she has done for herself.
-Positive Affirmation
-Daily Journaling
-Exercising
-Keep off certain food that can -Trigger you
-you are enough
-you are worthy
-count your blessings
I hope this help you.
Have a bless day
Daisy
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