Here's the honest truth - TRIGGER WARNING

So I know that a lot of you guys have questions about the frequency of my attacks and the situation around Rachel.

I didn’t want to write this post to begin with & wanted to start a new life where I only had contact with 2 people within the community, and no one else. By this, I mean completely start a new life; making new accounts that only people I chose would know about. However I know this community is full of amazing people and i see you guys interact with each other and get down on myself because that’s what I want. I can’t get that if people don’t believe a word I say. I know it will take A LOT of time, self shame, guilt, mental strength for me to try to regain relationships that have been broken down as a result of this. I know you guys have a hard time believing me about some of the things that have been happening, so I’m going to be completely honest and transparent with you guys to hopefully clear up any doubts or queries.

Starting off with the situation around Rachel… Rachel is real, but she moved away before Kayla came to visit me. Soon after, she stopped talking to me. I guess she’s living her life without me as a burden. However; after she moved, I would type updates pretending to be her because I was in refusal, I didn’t want to accept that she was gone and I wanted it to seem like I had someone IRL that cared about me still. We don’t stay up to date with each other. I try to but she never replies. I don’t know if she’s ok. I’ve tried asking but she doesn’t reply. All I know is that whoever she is with is abusive.

TRIGGER WARNING: Every time I have told you guys I have been kidnapped or assaulted was true. This part is hard for me to talk about because it triggers my flashbacks. There are videos from each time I was taken, and my abuser has sent videos and pictures to my ex and other male friends. “So why haven’t you sent them to police?” - I have, but they said it wasn’t enough evidence. I don’t like saying or explaining this because it makes me relive those moments and saying it makes it feel more true and I don’t want to accept or process some of the things that have happened. But I guess this is what I need to do when I lose people’s trust, and if I still want to try to rebuild the trust & friendships that I had. So, as I said, the cops said the videos weren’t enough… This is because the videos are muted and I don’t have any videos with audio. They are of me being forced to do stuff to myself and the audio is my abusers yelling at me and threatening me if I refuse to do as they say. You can’t hear them threatening me or anything else in the videos. I was forced to take these videos. When I took the videos to the police, they said “it looks like I could have just taken the video for my own pleasure”. There was no evidence that I was being forced to take those videos. END OF TRIGGER WARNING

I don’t know what else you guys may be questioning, I heard about some of the questions people I trust and their love hasn’t changed for me. I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused, the mental exhaustion and if I have unintentionally caused anyone to relive past trauma. I want to try and put this right, to rebuild the friendships. I would like to ask you to be patient with me as this isn’t easy. Explaining & feeling the need to justify my trauma is very hard. If you guys are questioning stuff, you can approach me with your questions but I ask for patience and respect.

Having explained all of this, 2 nights ago I tried to OD. I feel like I have so much guilt and shame. It wasn’t until I found out how much of an effect this had had on the people I love most. I can’t stand the thought that I have hurt people this much. I’m still suicidal, but I needed to make this post to clear things up.

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hey there friend @alilkatiekatt,
i love you soo much
im sorry you are struggling so much rightnow . and im sorry that the (trigger) didnt get solved like you wanted to . im always here for you friend. if you ever need anything please let me know .
-Ashley

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Hi alilkatiekatt,

I’m so proud of you. It can be so difficult to admit when our trauma has caused us to lie or act out of character. You could have kept living in the lie, but you CHOSE to boldly and bravely step into the truth, and that is incredibly beautiful. After everything you have been through, you still value truth and people, and that shows the goodness of your heart. You are not your mistakes, you are not what has been done to you. You are not the lies people have told you, or you have told yourself.

I am sure you are feeling incredibly vulnerable and raw right now. I know it feels like you are completely exposed, but I want to encourage you that in this moment you have an opportunity to start new and to move forward. This community LOVES YOU and we always will and will always be here for you.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or what’s been done to you. We love you. I love you, and you are worthy of being loved and cared for.

Sending love always

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@alilkatiekatt

You’re okay. You will get better. Rest easy tonight. Thank you for sharing. take care.