Hey everyone I found this through a Chiodos link ummm… I have been falling back on what I call my “emotional support music” lol which is like screamo I listened to in high school. I actually am a huge drum machine nerd/ techno freak but that’s kind alike my “happy” music so… here we are.
Im kinda glad I found somewhere to anon vent…? I have been wicked bad struggling with Herion, meth, coke, clonazepam, alcohol, I mean, anything I can get my hands on … I have always had problems since 2007 but they kinda peaked when my father took his own life in 2021, and I was… I would say…?at the front line of this? first to the scene so to say? I almost felt it was directed at me more than anyone? its really fucked… ummm… I have convinced myself its not my fault tho so were good there sort of…but ya I am the kinda girl that is alone a lot I finally got a boyfriend who was like going to “save me” and he just ghosted the fuck out of me June 1 '23 so since then ive been back on heroin like its so fucking bad but so good I hate it…I have like a 3 friend support system… no family really…umm… yeah I am so stubborn I won’t go to a clinic or anything I just make myself go through withdrawals every 2 or 3 months (stupid/awful/idk why.i torture myself) and then I do other drugs then eventually forget how bad that is and start with the H again…
Does anyone else have a problem when they have not a lot of friends, yet the dealer becomes one of your really good friends so if you lose the drugs you lose a friend too and I have like none to spare…?
everyone I know is getting married and having kids and here I am I feel like somethings wrong with me… even tho I feel attractive its not that its just… Im so obscure and have had a hard life … im having a really hard time when the H or coke is one phone call away… I can’t delete the number I always have it written down “for emergencys only” HA! right…
only things that stop me is no money which I make here and there doing random shit, cleaning peoples houses and stuff … I couldn’t keep a regular job after my dad died … I dunno just totally lost.
not the kind of person who likes therapy also have no insurance or money for that.
anyone wanna just… validate me or any advice…
Hey there @shanruby726
Before I get started with the gist of my reply, I just wanted to take some time to welcone to you to the community since it’s your first time posting. HeartSupport is an amazing community, and I’m so proud of you for opening up about your struggles. It seems like you’ve been through a lot
It’s clear that music brings you happiness. It’s a great emotional support mechanism and can describe our feelings in ways we never could. I often turn to music during dark times too. So your not alone with that my friend. It’s clear that music has been your main source of hope, love and healing as you deal with the loss of your father, in such a horrific and traumatic way.
Grief is complex and as someone who lost a relative in February, accepting that you are not to blame is difficult. Grief is a rough, challenging and long journey, and it’s okay to be confused, emotional or in pain. You just need to take a day at a time and take care of yourself
Addiction is a horrible part of life, but with the right support, love and people around you, you can beat it. I hope that your support system becomes better in time and that you can get help for your addiction. You don’t deserve to go through this on your own.
Everybody’s life journey is unique. Yours will always be dofferent to others. Your life holds value, even in the midst of tough times
Take care. You’ve got this!
I can empathise with you deeply losing family like that. It’s scarring and damaging. It’s this loss that goes beyond because it’s this person who’s meant to do best for you and they leave this hole with no answers to fill it.
Seeking something to provide comfort isn’t abnormal. You’re not alone in that. Sometimes the comfort we seek isn’t always as easy as finding joy and happiness to live through life in bliss. Trauma causes a bit of a cascading effect in our lives.
I can see the hurt and pain of finding comfort and then the thought of losing that comfort. I can only imagine how it feels that you made this connection with this person who provides that sought comfort and the thought of losing them sounds like it feels lonely.
I think sometimes offering grace and kindness to ourselves can be hard. But it is something you deserve. I know therapy is hard and scary and I totally feel you that seeking that professional help isn’t always something enjoyable. It’s okay to not be ready for those steps. The fact you’re here opening up and recognising parts in yourself you’d like to journey past is really huge! I’m really proud of you for that.
I really hope you feel safe and comfortable to continue sharing what you need during your journey
@shanruby726 - Please know that you are loved and understood by us and we will provide the best assistance we can to talk about how you feel.
Coping through an addiction is not something done voluntarily and it can quickly turn into a vicious cycle. I myself am a victim of that but on different aspects.
The fragility of your friend support system can be frightening, if you have been able to open to them, it is a great step towards being seen/heard and understood. If you do feel that they are slipping away or anything, you can always come back to us and we will help.
Know that your feelings/emotions are valid, and your struggles, fully understood.
You are definitely in a tough spot. The good thing is I think you have thought through where you are.
Thank you for reaching out to us. I hope you can reach out to someone that can help you walk through this. In reaching out, I think you do realize you probably need a change, perhaps.
I think that maybe use stubbornness in opposite way to get some help? Someone that is invested in helping you move through this and not benefiting from you staying in the place you are. While I know change is unsettling, especially when pushing towards something that you know will be challenging; but encouraging you to use that stubborn streak in a way to get there.
Please have strength. You are important! You are worth it.
You are strong and you are loved. You’ve had a very tough life. You have every right to feel the way you do. You’ve done something great by reaching out, and we are here for you. Grief is so complex has so many layers to it. And addiction is a beast. But you’ve taken the most important step, which is the first one. I believe in you
welcome to the forum, my friend, and thank you for your vulnerability. to have seen your father’s suicide first-hand and to have felt all the various emotions that flooded in, you’ve endured a total hell. i’m thankful that you’ve found peace in the fact that the decision was ultimately in your father’s hands and you are not at fault. and for all of that to be followed up with being ghosted by a boyfriend, that’s so damn hard.
your feelings, responses to your emotions, and you yourself are all valid and understandable. while i hope deeply that you can one day find peace from the drugs and weight of the painful memories, i’m really thankful you’re here now sharing this. this is a huge step you’re taking in just letting these things out. i look forward to hearing from you again soon on how you’re doing, whether it’s updates or vents or so on. this community understands you and will always be here to listen. sending you comfort and love, my friend.
I want to start by thanking you for sharing your story with our community. It takes immense strength to not only be aware of the issues you’re facing, but to choose to talk about it. Please know that we welcome you, and you are seen and heard.
It’s important to recognize the severity of what you’ve been through, and how that contextualizes the issues you’re currently facing. I can understand how your father’s passing has exacerbating your substance use. It’s an incredible loss and it’s completely understandable to feel like it’s impossible to cope with in any other way. On top of this, your boyfriend ghosting you seems to have only made things worse.
I think it’s important to remember that addiction is a battle and in many ways you are a warrior. It takes a lot to both endure these experiences and continue to exist.
It sounds like on some level you recognize that being close friends with your dealer may be creating a kind of vicious cycle where it’s hard to distance from the drugs without feeling like you’re losing one of your only friends. It may be worth reflecting further on this and exploring ways that you might be able to expand your social circle beyond your dealer or others who may also be doing drugs. This way, if you ever were to distance from your dealer, the transition could be easier with a larger or more solidified support system.
I genuinely hope that things get better for you, and please know that we support and root for you here. Hold fast.
Welcome to Heart Support, glad you’re here. Thank you for reacting out.
I’m so sorry to hear about your father, that must have been heart crushing and traumatic. I feel for you and I’m glad that you have a small support system of friends. I hope you are able to lean on them.
It sounds like you’re struggling pretty hard with the drugs and I hope that you can find some help. I know you said you don’t like therapy and money is tight, but some states do have programs for mental health care and it could be something to look into for yourself if you wanted to.
I know how hard it is to quit doing drugs and going thru a traumatic experience as you have makes it 100 times harder. I hope that you know that you matter and I think you were very brave for coming here and talking about your struggles. I hope that you can continue to lean on this community for support. We’re here for you
Absolutely courageous to reach out – a first step and now you grow your community. So WELCOME to you just as you are.
Thanks for sharing your story here. And no kidding you have faced horrible trauma. We hear you. And, we are here to hear you as you journey forward.
Hoping you know to take one day at a time, trying to make moves to care for yourself no matter how small they may feel. Every choice to love yourself will be a new victory, and every victory breeds another victory. Let us celebrate that with you!
For today, know we are ready for your voice, your doubts and fears, and we will walk alongside you. Looking forward to that Shanruby.
“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”
— Aldous Huxley
Thank you for answering
What do you guys think about relapsing over and over?
I consider it a huge fail every time but I can’t tell if being so hard on myself for doing so is even conductive of anything good at all …?
I have a lot of drug addiction in my family specifically my mom so im having a hard time seeing how to go on in life without that help of the drugs bc this is my closest example.
Do you think I could continue to be functionally addicted or is this just like a dream I have…?
I can’t see myself being capable of living a normal life without the help of the drugs which scares me of not being able to even imagine it anymore…
Also TY for the warm welcome …
@EvilGenius @martybear @Mystrose @twixremix @bunfart90 @Listening2Day @OneStepAtATime @hermit @Whois
@shanruby726 - you shouldn’t be too harsh on yourself. Know that Life and healing isn’t always linear. For having myself been through harsh relapses, those aren’t easy to think about and go through. One thing you can try and do is that when you feel like you’ll relapse, take a step back, go towards your friends (not the dealer in this case but maybe the conversation can be approached a different way). Having an addiction can have a big hold on someone’s thoughts/actions/feelings/behavior. Know that you’re strong, cared and loved
Some guilt about relapse could inspire you to work towards a more effective strategy, but it can be easy for those feelings to become so overwhelming that it becomes an obstacle to progress. “Functionally addicted” is oxymoronic because substance use can be described as a dysfunctional coping mechanism. Especially considering the fact that substance abuse runs in your family, breaking this cycle might be especially challenging. When you aren’t familiar with other coping mechanisms it makes sense to have a hard time imagining life without drugs, but it’s worth considering that it has the potential to be the life you deserve. I’m admittedly not that educated in this topic so unfortunately I don’t have any recommendations or tips about how to break this cycle exactly, but do know that you have our support on your journey.
Im just having a really bad day with this today …I can’t work and make money, I can’t eat and drink I can’t do anything…I have no one to help me my chest hurts and I can’t keep doing this