Hey Guys...It's Been A While

[grandmastrqueen]

Well it’s most definitely been a while. To be honest, I have no idea how long it’s been. I could check, but right now I rather share. The past few years have been nothing, but continuous ups and downs. I guess that’s the average life of someone living with bipolar disorder. I’ve had my manic days and my depression days and more recently my “I have no f***ing idea what’s happening to me anymore” days. That’s how I feel today.

I’ve had two hospitalizations almost a year apart. One was July 4th last year and I wanted to take my life because I was once again finished. I didn’t want to do it anymore, but I called 911 and got my medication adjusted for like the 9 billionth time in a row. I got out of the hospital after 6 days and was not 100%. I ended up breaking out my twins’ father’s car window when he shoved me and I tried so hard to let him walk away, but he was outside threatening me in front of my parents while I was in the house and then boom, I lost it. I’m still currently on probation for that hoping to be off soon, but COVID has pushed my graduation from Mental Health Court Probation until on God knows when. And for the past year it was going fine until I switched jobs due to a injury back in June, then boom life hit hard again.

I kept forgetting my meds and then after a while I didn’t even care about them anymore. It started feeling pointless. I didn’t want to be on meds anymore because I am tired of trying to keep up the front of keeping myself stable. I just want to be without the meds so badly even with me knowing that they are working for me. I was drinking heavily, and not everyday, but enough to cause some concern. I started freaking out about becoming an alcoholic like my grandmother. After a few weeks of back and forth breaking down and pushing myself, I finally broke down and called my therapist because I knew I needed to be safely put back on meds.

It devastated me that my mother wanted me to just stay in bed and let my nine year old take care of my two year old twins because in her words “she could not afford to watch my kids if I got admitted”. So I was crying hysterically on the phone with my therapist. She asked me to go to an emergency service center associated with the behavioral center she works at. I guess all they heard was alcohol was involved, because they had told me they were going to keep me to try a new monthly medication with me, but they tried to treat me for alcoholism (this was one of the days I was not drinking and al alcohol from the night before was well gone out of my system by then). They had me for so many hours sitting up in a chair at night because there was no bed, I guess and they told me the next day, way early in the morning, that they were just waiting for a hospital bed for me.
I freaked, but not badly enough to warrant any type of aggressive or crazy behavior. I was confused because I wasn’t homicidal or suicidal and I walked into the place on my own, but they told me I was pink slipped. Luckily, my favorite hospital to be admitted into was on my side, let me voluntarily sign in so that I did not have to go back to the other facility (I was at my hospital for blood work and an EKG ordered by the other place), they treated me, and only held me for 4 days. A ton of drama erupted while I was in the hospital (because I was in the hospital).

My folks had taken my car to a whole different state while I was in the hospital calling themselves getting away from the drama of me. My sister went off on them for not caring about my state of mind. My children were separated, but with family. My oldest was at my sister’s house and my twins are still at their dad’s house. I’m trying to slowly take everything back in. I just brought my oldest back home last night and I have no clue of when I am bringing my twins back home. I just am so damn afraid of getting overwhelmed.

Truth is, I’ve been wanting to leave and never come back. Just go some place where no one knows me. I keep having anxiety and panic attacks because part of me even wants to leave my kids behind, but I love them so much and I can’t grasp how I could ever think about leaving them. I am very cautious about sharing my feelings. My replies are back to “I’m fine” or “it was ok.” I’ve been sober 19 days and almost 21 hours, but as much as I am showing a good game of telling people it’s ok to drink around me or that i’m doing great with rejecting alcohol, I want to drink so damn bad. I mean I really just want to say I can handle one drink, but I am scared that I won’t be able to stop at just one and then turning around and be right back at drinking out of stress.

I’ve had to take my anxiety medicine a lot more lately and I have been faithfully on my meds, but I have never spent time actually handling my feelings and fears without drinking and it’s just sh*t show! I like a guy and don’t even want to tell him because we already agreed that what we are doing is not something serious. Hell, I think right now is a very bad time to try to start a relationship especially when I’m not sure who I am or what I want. I hate that I cannot sleep without my sleeping medicine, otherwise I am sitting up all night with racy thoughts or in tears about what I think of myself.

And you know what I think of myself right now? I am a coward because I still haven’t set boundaries with my mother. I am lonely and need to remain that way because I don’t even know how to care about myself and I’m always thinking about running anyways. I am hopeless when it comes to my mental health because I have to keep this up for the rest of my life. I am tired of maintaining everything (my meds, work, being a single mother, paying my bills and rent). It’s always off and on with the thoughts of wanting to give up and I have to say things out loud to assure myself I’m doing ok, but it never stops the tears.

All of it keeps weighing me down and bringing me back to the same questions. What the f*** is the point?! I’m going to die anyways, right? So why not just waste my days away in a bed in a room in a place where no one can find me?

[Micro]

Hey @grandmastrqueen,

First off: thank you. Thank you for sharing those parts of your story. And thank you for being here. Despite what you’ve been through, despite the moments of despair you experienced since the last time you’ve been here, despite the heaviness sometimes of dealing with any kind of mental health struggle. I’m grateful to you for being here in this community.

@grandmastrqueen

I’m still currently on probation for that hoping to be off soon, but COVID has pushed my graduation from Mental Health Court Probation until on God knows when. And for the past year it was going fine until I switched jobs due to a injury back in June, then boom life hit hard again.

Oh friend. I’m so sorry for that. This year is so weird, with covid… lots of unexpected changes and impact on everyone’s life. Just like you, I was doing better for the past year, then a lot of new events started to piling up and it feels like being back at square 1. In regards of working, relationships, mental health… all at once. Except that we have to deal with covid/quarantine on the top of that, with all the impact it has on our capacity to move. This situation sucks. I really get that. Yet somehow, I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. We’re going through a very, very strange season. But we’ll make it through. Step by step. We’ll rebuild and recreate the foundations that we need. Life is still going on. It’s not delayed. It’s just different than we we expected a couple of months ago.

Truth is, I’ve been wanting to leave and never come back. Just go some place where no one knows me. I keep having anxiety and panic attacks because part of me even wants to leave my kids behind, but I love them so much and I can’t grasp how I could ever think about leaving them.

Hey friend, I don’t know if someone ever told you this, but you’ve been very brave. Through all of this, you reached out, you managed to get help, you’ve been working on being sober. Maybe it’s been such a long time for you to be in this warrior mode that you don’t see it anymore, but that is strength. That’s also who you are.

I have no doubt that you love your kids so much. It’s just obvious when we read what you just shared here. You have the heart of a mom. But you also have your share of struggles and you’re doing a lot to work on that. For what it’s worth, I have a mom who struggle a lot with her own mental health. She experienced many traumatic moments as she grew up. But the thing is, she’s always been so stuck in her own mind that she never did anything to change that. She gave up on therapy multiple times, she never got any meds despite a diagnosis for bipolar disorder. She never stated: “I need help”. And I can assure you, this makes a huge difference. You are working on yourself, for your mental health, and everytime you take a step in that direction, you’re also taking care of your kids. Because it allows you to have the relationship that both them and you deserve to have with each other. There’s love between you. You’re family. And the problems or obstacles you may have to face will be lighter as long as you keep trying. I see the battles you are facing because you’re doing this community the honor of sharing your story here. We see you. And I can assure you that fighting those battles is worth it. We’re in this with you. To encourage you. To cheer you up. To support you. You are not alone.

You said in your post that you are afraid to feel overwhelmed. Take your time, then. Communicate as you can and as clearly as possible with your children - even despite the distance. You don’t have to have the answers or expect to be able to handle everyting at once. Focus on your sobriety first. Keep doing great. Say to people that no, it doesn’t help to see them drinking alcohol next to you or having to make the effort to say “no”. You don’t have to be afraid to say it. It’s your right entirely to be in an environment that helps you to heal, and not to relapse. Addictions are hard to handle, but it’s absolutely possible. It’s like training a muscle to get stronger and resistant with time. Though the environment you’re living in can play a major role in your recovery.

I’ve had to take my anxiety medicine a lot more lately and I have been faithfully on my meds, but I have never spent time actually handling my feelings and fears without drinking and it’s just sh*t show!

This makes totally sense. If you are used to handle your emotions in a way that numbs you, somehow, you lose sight of how you really feel. As you’re learning to experience again these emotions, it can be overwhelming to you. But you are doing great. Your emotions are not your enemies. Even when it’s painful. You will learn to ackonwledge those and welcome them as they are, with less and less judgment or fears. And when you feel overwhelmed, try to slow down, to acknowledge how you feel. Let yourself cry if you need, it’s a healthy way to release the pressure sometimes.

To discover again and understand how you feel, I can really encourage you to try journaling. Regularly, or on a daily basis, but at least as a real habit. Taking some time to let your thoughts out helps to reflect on yourself, to learn to know yourself better, including your reactions or emotions. There are many ways to practice journaling, the very first one being: writing down whatever comes to your mind, without any judgment. But you can also explore this tool by asking yourself some questions, by challenging your thoughts, or trying to describe how you feel physically for example. No limits. Only you, your freedom to express yourself without having anyone to judge or invalidate anything.

Hell, I think right now is a very bad time to try to start a relationship especially when I’m not sure who I am or what I want.

I’m definitely not here to tell you what to do with your life. But I’d like to encourage you to listen to your intuition telling you to take it easy and focus on healing first. It sounds that, for the moment, you have your share of things to deal with. It’s indeed probably better to take your time, first, to know yourself better and take the healthy steps that you need. Your well-being is a priority here.

I hate that I cannot sleep without my sleeping medicine, otherwise I am sitting up all night with racy thoughts or in tears about what I think of myself.

That’s tough, friend. Being awake at night can bring so many painful feelings at once. I understand that. Maybe you could try, during the day, to make a list of the things that could be helpful to you in case you stay awake at night/can’t sleep. Healthy and relaxing activities, things that that would make you feel safe. Personally, when I’m having a rough night, what helps me could be listening to some music (not depressing ones) and dance a littlle, watch my favorite TV show or read a book, or even just looking at the stars outside (well, now I can only blame the public lights to be so bright and have a desire to turn them off one way or another, but eh 8)). In any case, there are many ways to take care of ourselves, always. But it implies to be a little proactive to identify what works for you. Take some time to think about it. It’s a good start.

And you know what I think of myself right now? I am a coward because I still haven’t set boundaries with my mother.

Oh, you are not a coward. Friend, I’m 27, and I’ve been struggling with setting boundaries with my mom for as long as I’ve been existing. I don’t know how to do that either. It’s not that easy. And it’s honestly scary. For me, it’s because even if I know that she is toxic for me, I just love her. I can’t help it. And feeling divided between love and a need to protect myself is really, really hard to handle sometimes.

This situation you are in doesn’t mean it will always be like this. There is a potential for changes, positive ones. There is hope. But you don’t have to handle everything at once. One day after another.

What the f*** is the point?! I’m going to die anyways, right? So why not just waste my days away in a bed in a room in a place where no one can find me?

Because you love and you are loved. Because just being here and sharing this shows how much you want to live, but also that you’re tired to feel like life is a constant battle. I feel for you, friend. I’m not a single mother holding all the responsabilities that you have today. But I understand how you feel. How overwhelming it is to be in what seems to be a constant “fight” mode. But life is more than this. I promise you. And I’m pretty sure you know that already. Because that’s what you are fighting for.

Friend, your life is not in parenthesis because of all the things you are going through. You are already breathing, living, existing. And damn, you’re beautiful. You are perseverant and strong, just as much as you have the right to be vulnerable. Keep doing what you know is right and healthy. Your meds, your family, your work. But also try to implement small touches of light in your day. Take five minutes to take a break and breathe. Spend time in nature. Take care of your body. Do things that brings some joy to your heart and fulfills you. You have a splendid inner spark inside you. Let it grow. Let it shine. You are doing great already. Keep moving on this road towards your recovery, your well-being. Towards the life you deserve to have.

[grandmastrqueen]

@Micro I truly thank you for all of your kind words and support. I have been taking it one step at a time. Last night I had a dream that I was doing so much drinking and the inner parts of me were terrified, but on the outside all there was displaying was this party animal from years ago. I woke up so messed up that I almost reset my sobriety clock. I was so happy that I didn’t really need to reset my clock, but it’s been on my mind all day. Just wanting to say whatever and start having a drink, but I’m fighting against it doing a billion other things that more productive. (this was from yesterday I just never hit the post button).

[Micro]

That’s really positive @grandmastrqueen. To push through like you do, to keep working on your sobriety - despite this intense dream that you had. I hope you are proud of yourself. The efforts you’re doing are for the best. And you only deserve the best, nothing less.