Welcome back! I’m sorry about your sadness. College might’ve helped some, but it sounds like you have a long standing depression. That will follow you through changes that you hope will help. Then, the unmet expectations can lead to increased depression.
A happy personality and sad soul suggests that you’re an extraordinarily sensitive and empathetic soul. It also sounds like you have a long established pattern of thoughts that are the result of the negative energy you see in the world.
Imagine looking at the night sky on a clear night. Indeed, it’s mostly darkness, but it enhances the beauty of the stars. People like you are like those points of light in the midst of darkness. The good things and people in life are like those bits of light. You are surrounded by darkness, but also points of light. Depression blurs perception, allowing just darkness and bits of grey to come through. It presents evidence to support the idea that humans tend to see only what they expect to.
The eyes don’t see. They only process light. The mind interprets the light waves, and filters the signals through the mind. There’s an old experiment online that shows a video of students tossing a ball around. Other students are instructed to observe this ball tossing. After few minutes, the activity ends, and the student observers are asked if they saw anything unusual during the ball tossing. All the students indicated that all they saw was the ball tossing. Then the video is shown again, this time the students are instructed to watch the room instead of the ball tossing. During this repeated showing, the students saw a guy in a gorilla suit jumping and dancing around in front of the students. I looked for the video on Youtube, but the one I saw is a remake, but it makes the same point. Here’s the link:
The experiment provided glaring evidence that humans can be blind to what’s in front of them if their mind tells them not to expect it. In similar fashion, depression can prevent a person from perceiving anything positive in their life, even if surrounded by positive things.
Some people do the opposite thing. They filter out much of the negative and dwell on the positive. A depressed person will think of such a positive mindset as irrational.
Counseling can help a person attain a more balanced perception of their world, which can diminish symptoms of depression. Sometimes medication is needed. I’ve been on Welbutrin for over twenty years. I’m pretty sure my dad and I had depression programmed into our DNA.
Keep in mind, even when feeling trapped, your mind is free to explore different philosophies and ways of looking at things. It has to help.
It also sounds like you’re not taking good care of your body. That could be why your hand is shaking. If you’re not feeling well physically, that alone is enough to cause depression. Then the depression contributes to not feeling well physically. It’s time to seek counseling, or do whatever you can to interrupt the negative thought patterns, and take good care of your body.
Please check back with us and let us know how you’re doing. We care about you.