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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Hate Myself by NF
Hey Taylor, it’s me again, don’t know if you will ever see my comments, amazing video as always. I relate to this a lot, I hate myself at times, hate myself for not being strong enough, for not fighting back against my mom as she beat me till I bruised and bled, for not calling the cops or CPS when I was being starved and dehydrated regularly, for not screaming loud enough as my step-sibling sodomized me, for being too weak, for not lashing out at the bullies, and many other things. There are days when I hope I don’t wake up, I sometimes pray for death. I hate reliving it all, hearing my younger self screaming and crying all hours in the night. I drink to drown it out, and it does…till it doesn’t. I’m tired, tired of putting on that mask, tired of pretending that things are ok when internally I wanna inflict so much hurt and pain on the ones deserving.
My mom tries to talk to me…but in a way where she tries to just scoot past all that she did. She says she doesn’t remember any of what I tell her, granted she’s been getting sober. I think it’s more of she doesn’t Want to remember vs that she can’t. My dad is starting to become the father I needed for my niece and it Enrages me so fucking much. Like where was this man when I needed him, when I was crying into the pillow as I was being plowed through screaming for my dad to come save me. Where was he when I wanted to go outside and play with him, but instead I always kept getting the same responses, “I’m busy.” “I already made plans to head out on a date.” among other things he said to not spend time with me. Why all the sudden change of heart? I felt so unbelievably alone, I had no one to turn to. Some days I feel like a ticking atomic bomb, just compacting and compacting it all till I can’t crush it down anymore and the pressure finds the path of least resistance, and a massive fallout ensues. Some days I wanna let this…sadistic, demonic side of me out and let him have fun. But it’s not gonna change anything, not gonna make things better, it’s just every day is harder and harder to contain it at times. I have a hard time loving myself, or accepting when others try to show me love or kind gestures. Mainly cause anytime anything good happened something really bad happened Right after it, so I’m skeptical and on my toes, in case I need to go back into survival mode again. I just feel bad for any potential partners I may have in the future, I come with a lot of baggage, and a lot of trust issues. Always texting/calling for reassurance, always trying to go above and beyond and not treating myself as highly, I fear being abandoned, I fear that I won’t be good enough, I just… I’m not worth much of anything to anyone.
Again sorry for my novels for comments, I just have a lot on my mind, I don’t know when I’ll comment again, but keep up the amazing videos Taylor, your perspectives, and opinions are things I like to reflect on here the last few weeks. So thank you for all that you do, you help people like me more than you realize. - Logan
You are worthy of healing and of obtaining that sense of inner peace. You deserve to see that everything that happened to you has nothing to do with your worth and value in this world. Have you ever reached out for support with a professional? It makes me sad that you are hurting so much and I would love to see you get help with finding that peace and healing you so very much deserve.