Hi Again It's Me

Hi, so it’s me again… it’s been awhile and things have kind of gotten better, which is good but i still feel alot of things and that’s what kills me inside. Ive gotten out of my toxic abusive household, into a space so much better ten times better than what i was living in. A place where my pronouns are respected, my dead name isn’t used, im not gas lighted or emotionally abused. An it’s so weird to actually feel stable … it almost doesn’t feel real, i get scared sometimes that i will wake up and that it will be all a dream.

But yet i still feel so confused and lonely an like i am failing, I haven’t started college, im barely working on getting my license, and i just feel like even though im slowly getting better mentally it’s still not good enough that no matter what i do it won’t be good enough. I’m just trying so hard and im so scared that i will fail , and it will all come crashing down an whats worse is that i don’t have anyone to support me. Well i mean i kind of do, but i don’t want to be a bother to them and tell them how im feeling and how i really just need support right now. Cause i’m meant to be doing better, im meant to be better mentally right now.

And yet here i am writing another post, saying how i feel utterly alone and how i’m so scared of failing. Cause if i fail it means i lose everything good going on in my life right now, and i don’t know what would happen if that happens. Sorry for the ramble, if you have read my post before you know i tend to ramble. I just i guess i need support but don’t know how to ask for it, because the people i would ask to support me have abandoned me… which isn’t a nice feeling.

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It’s alright to feel like it could all be a dream. It’s alright to feel scared of failing. But those who respect you and your pronouns and who don’t abuse you mentally, they are there to help you through it! Just because those who use to support you abandoned you, doesn’t mean you no longer have people who will.

I’m sure that if you just ask for help or support if something were to happen, that they’ll be glad to.

I’m so happy that you’re doing somewhat better and I believe you can keep it up! If you try to have a positive mental state, you can keep going, and accomplish great things. Just, don’t overwork yourself to get better, take your time <3

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It’s easy to become anxious about what might be lost after making significant improvements. Yet where you are now is evidence that you know how to make progress. Take a look at where you are as compared to where you’ve been, and congratulate yourself for what you’ve accomplished.

Feeling negative towards yourself about the things that you have yet to accomplish, actually diminishes the confidence and motivation needed to move forward. It’s better to look at what you’ve already done, and tell yourself if I could do that, I can do this.

When taking on a new project or task, it’s worthwhile to develop the habit of asking yourself “what can I do in this moment that will help me reach that goal?” Instead of repeating to yourself “I gotta get a license, I gotta get a license…” Tell yourself something like “the first thing I need to do is to call and find out when the license office is open,” or perhaps the first thing is to get dressed in order to go out, or arrange transportation. The process of getting a license might be intimidating, but if it’s broken down into small, doable steps, it will be easier to work through it.

You are in the process of healing, and it will take as long as it takes. There is no “meant to” about it. Telling yourself that you are “meant to” heal according to someone else’s schedule, is a form of shaming yourself. You don’t deserve that. Besides, it undermines the confidence required to maintain the healing process.

If you need to take a break from the issues you face, do it with absolutely no guilt. Fully enjoy and appreciate the break, then when you go back to working on the issues, it will be with a refreshed mind.

Please check back with us, and let us know how you’re doing.

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hey, Aleister! I’m glad you left that toxic household and managed to escape that environment.

If most days you manage to get out of bed in the morning then you are doing enough. Baby steps. Just take it a day at a time and a task at a time. Good luck on getting your license and on getting better day by day. You’ve got this! :hrtlegolove:

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Aleister I know what it’s like to feel “utterly alone” and I feel for you. I don’t have a solution because I feel alone even when there are people around me. I’m sorry that your support system has abandoned you, but if they are capable of doing that, then you don’t need them. For college, you could go to “campus services” and get help there. They should have lots of support for you thru that. ~Mystrose

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From: twixremix

hi aleister! i’m relieved to hear how you were able to get away from that toxic environment of your previous household. that personally makes my heart so happy that you are in a safer and more calm home - you deserve the absolute best! for the other half of your post, i need you to know that you’ll always have a safe place within heartsupport to ask for help, support, or guidance. with all the curveballs you’ve been thrown in your life, you have truly conquered so much and i hope you are able to reflect on that in moments of weakness. if you could overcome all the things from your past, you can do anything. to those that you know are your support system and you don’t want to bother them, reach out to them now and ask “can i lean on you if this or that happens?” - having that validation and previous confirmation of their support before everything crashes down can help you prepare for the future. all in all, please know that you got me and so many others on your side. thank you for being in this HS community with me. you are incredible and so dang loved, and i believe in you with everything i got!

love,
twix

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, welcome back it is so nice to hear from you, Firstly can I say how happy I am that you got out of the toxic place that you were in and found a place that you can call home and you can be you, thats a massive step and a great start to a new life. It is also scarey starting over, leaving all that you know even if it is bad and toxic it is still a huge thing that takes a lot of getting used but you will get there and you are doing incredibly well, I am super proud of you. I do not want you to ever feel alone whilst you have friends here, Aleister, you are a speical person and we are part of your Heartsupport family, you can post here, vent here and ramble here as often as you like and we are here to listen and support you. Thank you for trusting us and for being a friend and support to us too. Much Love Lisa xx

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From: SuchBlue

Hi Aleister, welcome back!

It’s okay to feel like it’s all a dream when things are going too good, especially when it seems like nothing is going in your favour. You don’t have to feel bad for asking for support, real friends help each other and if you need them, and if you need them, there’s nothing wrong with having them support you. You’ve got out of a toxic and abusive environment, and I’m sure you’ll feel much better having people listen to you, and I hope that we are making you feel better with these posts too :slightly_smiling_face:

You’re valued and you matter, you can do this :hrtlegolove: :hrtlovefist:

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Have you ever planted tomatoes? Ever seen the fragile tender stems before they bulk up and bear the weight of a ton of delicious tomatoes?
That, to me, is what beginnings feel like sometimes. So what do we do? We could leave it to nature to figure it out, or we can use any shape or style of tomato trellis or cage or support to hold it upright and help the plant carry its weight.

Before the delicious fruit, before it can stand upright and firm and bear a bountiful harvest, you gotta support the plant. Once you put that support in place, suddenly the weight is lifted and you can focus more on the “Fruits”.

Wishing you well, and hope you know you have us always to be the support trellis you need :slight_smile:

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