Thank you for sharing and being here.
i just saw a photo of my rapist ex boyfriend (who i havent seen or talked to since he raped me) anyways and i got a random urge to unblock him and text him. i wont but i really want to
Hey friend, I don’t know how is your relationship now. I don’t know how you feel about this person either, but I want to encourage you to keep resisting against this urge to unblock him. He hurt you before. Contacting him would be very unhealthy and dangerous to you.
If the photo you saw is on your phone or your personal files, then I’d like to encourage you to classify it/put that away from you, so you don’t see it at least randomly. And if you have access to his social medias, then maybe try to delete it from your own. It sounds that you’re vulnerable right now, some of this vulnerability comes from your relationship with your boyfriend and what you’ve been through, and I don’t want you to be triggered or tempted to go back to your ex, for the reasons mentioned before. What he did to you is a traumatic experience and it’s important to make sure that he can’t hurt you anymore, even emotionally.
hello everyone, i had a really nice day with my boyfriend today, and then later tonight he seemed a bit off so i called bc i get stressed and overthink everything. anyway he said it was fine and he loves me.so i tried to calm down and ignored my brain for a bit.
It sounds that he understands what you can be experiencing and he cares about you. It’s good to hear that. I tend to be easily stressed too, and “overthink” is almost my second name… I understand the struggle. Especially when you are involved in a relationship. Even if my husband has been genuinely comprehensive with me through the years, when I felt very vulnerable and stressed I was really afraid to annoy him. It’s good that you tried to calm down, friend. I hope you have healthy ways to cope with that, tips, tools or habits.
then he started saying how he wants to see me less just because he feels he needs some alone time, due to quarantine and not being able to go out. before all this we barely went out so as u guessed i really started stressing going into thoughts “he doesnt want to be with me, he is sick of me, he doesnt want to see me at all” which isnt true at all, he just sometimes wants to be alone. anyway so i just broke and i havent stopped crying since and its all so fucked like as soon as he goes im unhappy and i have gotten too attatched and now im just nobody without him and i dont know what to do.
It makes sense to have this kind of automatic thoughts. But something really positive is that you are aware of how you can be stressed by this kind of situation. As you said, you know he just wants some time to be alone. And also there are these special circumstances with the covid/quarantine stuff. It’s not easy to be separated physically from the person you love. But you’ll get through this.
There is an other thing really positive in what you shared: your boyfriend actually told you what he wants/needs. It shows the trust he has for you and, I suppose, the fact that he wants his needs to be understood the right way. It’s not about you nor the love between you two. We all need to be alone sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with it. And hopefully this could even improve your relationship and make the love between you too stronger than before.
It’s also okay to cry when you need it. You can even learn something from this situation and from your reactions. With time, you will also have to learn to deal with the situations when you’ll be alone. Just because it will happen regularly in your life, so it’s better to learn not to suffer from it. Being alone or away from your partner is not necessarily a bad thing and you can definitely transform the moments when you are by yourself as something positive and nourrishing for you. But it takes time and patience.
In the begining of my relationship with my husband I was very vulnerable emotionally. And as we were living two different countries, we didn’t see each other as much as I’d wanted. We had online conversations, video-calls almost everyday, but we could see each other, physically, only 2-3 times in the year. Somehow, it helped us to just take our time to learn to know each other and see if we would like to take a step further by living together one day. But also, for me, saying goodbye to him everytime we were together was devastating. I cried so much and my heart just felt so broken. It generally took me a few days to be less depressed because of this. But I know that my reaction, the pain I was feeling was related to some circumstances in my life and the pain I was already carrying in my heart. I hated to be alone and thought I would never be able to spend some time alone without hurting myself or being sad. But… it is possible, really. I can assure you that now I even need this time when I can be alone. It is refreshing to me. Because I learned to appreciate these moments. To take care of myself, to do what I like. To make sure that life goes on. You can do that too, friend.
Do you have any hobbies, interests, passions, activities you enjoy? What are some actions/habits that you could create or maintain to take care of yourself when you are alone? You have also a life, you are an individual before being involved in a relationship, and still are. Your happiness doesn’t depend only on your partner. And being aware that you feel lost without him, to recognize this is important. It’s the very first step that will allow you to think about it and what you could try to do to improve this situation, for yourself but also for your partner.
i also feel as though i expect too much from people. like when anyone mentions the smallest thing about them being sad i like will straight away text them and then if im close to them ill call them but if i poor my fucking feelings out to someone i still dont really get much of a response to them and that just fucking hurts. but thats my fault because i just i overthink and i just think way too much.
that sounds so selfish and victimising.
Absolutely not selfish or victimising, don’t worry. You are a caring person. And what you describe is a struggle that many people face sometimes. And I think it’s really related to the situation you described about your partner. We all need to rely on others. We all need to trust others and be trusted. But there can’t be only this in your life. You also need to learn to live for yourself and to rely on yourself. It’s not easy to do that when you’ve been hurt before or if you have a poor self-esteem, but it doesn’t mean it would be impossible.
Have you ever considered/tried to talk about all of this with a therapist? Talking about this with a professional could be helpful to you to take the steps you need to boost your self-confidence. But also to heal from the traumatic experience you’ve been through with your ex boyfriend. So if you never gave it a try and if it’s something you could access to (well, even if the quarantine isn’t helpful right now), I can only encourage you in that way.
Take care friend. You’ll be okay.