Hi (rant, tw, mentions of suicide, language)

[Sapphire]

Hi everybody.

I know it has been a while since I was active here. I have reasons for this but to be honest I dont care to go into them and that’s not the subject of this post.

Basically I found out I may be expecting. For people not familiar with my story, in a nutshell, 4 years ago I became pregnant but eventually got very sick and had a miscarriage. After that I went back to school to get some work skills/experience, changed careers, bought a house, etc. 7 months ago my husband and I decided to try again and now we’re here.

On the flip side of things, stuff with family has been really stressful lately. My brother is months behind on all of his bills, is about to potentially lose his house and, when he’s not coming to be for money he tells me he’s giving up.

Last time this happened my mom texted me telling me that I need to do everything in my power to help him because she doesn’t want my brother to kill himself (her brother/my uncle killed himself when he was 23). I told her I don’t believe his life is in danger and by the way, she is his mom and she needs to be there too. To which she responded that she will decide what she needs to do, not me. Because she’s always made such amazing motherly choices. She’s always been a shitty parent and my brother goes out of his way to tell her that regularly. But heaven forbid she actually goes out of her way to help my brother 1 time in his life x.x.

Anyways. After that, I blocked both of them because they are a major source of stress in my life and I’m trying to finally be happy with it all, being in a job I can be proud of, buying a house, just celebrating my 8 year wedding anniversary. But wait. I need to babysit my big brother because my mother doesn’t want to be a mom.

Moving on. I unblocked my mom and my brother to tell them, my brother was a smart-ass about it asked asked if my husband was going to leave and asked why he was unblocked. So I told him I had apparently made a mistake and blocked him again. My mom hasn’t said anything and I don’t expect her to. At least my father who I’ve only recently smoothed out my relationship with was happy about it.

I just don’t get it I guess. I’ve never had a reliable family structure. Everyone hates everyone else and putting us all in a room together always ends badly. Always. I hate that it’s apparently my responsibility to be my brothers mother and his lender and his therapist but fuck my needs. People wonder why it’s easy for me to be alone, why I have social phobia, why I can just drop people out of my life. If family doesn’t give 2 shits about you, who can you trust?

At this point I have my husband and that’s it, and to be fair, I think I might be okay with that. At least in my case, blood is not thicker than water and family doesn’t mean shit. That’s ironic, eh?

Anyways. Thats just a taste of what’s been going on in my life. Im trying to be happy about my progress but I keep getting fucking emotionally abused by family and I guess just maybe I’ve reached the point where I’m ready to burn the bridges once and for all because it’s not my job to be a mother to my brother (especially now that I’m actually going to be a mother) or his lender or his therapist. It’s not my job to teach MY mother what it means to be there for someone. It’s not MY job to keep my brother afloat while paying off a house and saving for the future. And its up to ME to say no to the abuse. So fuck it. I think I’m ready to say no.

[ofmiceandben]

Hey friend, @Sapphire, first off, this sounds like a ton of stress and weight, I can’t even imagine how this feels. Secondly, I’m happy to hear that you might be expecting, I hope all goes well with that. <3

It sucks that your mom is being that way with your brother and his situation, she definitely needs to be there for him, despite what has happened in the past, I hope that she can step up a bit, for your sake and maybe that could help take some weight off of you. I’m proud of you for taking that step to block your mother and brother, that’s a good boundary to make. I’m sorry that your brother had to be smart that way and I hope that the boundary you make will last and hopefully block out some of the stress they cause you.

@Sapphire

At this point I have my husband and that’s it, and to be fair, I think I might be okay with that. At least in my case, blood is not thicker than water and family doesn’t mean shit.

This is absolutely true, you don’t have to stick with your blood family, especially if they don’t treat you right. Just because they’re your family doesn’t mean you have to put up with their wrongdoings. Sometimes found-family can be a lot better and accepting of everything you are. I’m glad that you have your husband to rely on. There’s a lot of people on here that absolutely love you and want the best for you as well.

@Sapphire

I guess just maybe I’ve reached the point where I’m ready to burn the bridges once and for all because it’s not my job to be a mother to my brother (especially now that I’m actually going to be a mother) or his lender or his therapist. It’s not my job to teach MY mother what it means to be there for someone.

You might be right, it might be time to put up a wall between you and your family, especially if they treat you like this and you never get anything positive in return. Also, you’re correct, it isn’t your job to teach your mom and help keep your brother afloat because you have your own life and responsibilities. I’m extremely proud of you for putting up these boundaries between you and your family because that can be an incredibly difficult thing to do.

I hope you can continue to progress through this and keep finding the positive things in your life, putting up these boundaries with your family is an extremely good and important step. Much love and hold fast.

[Sapphire]

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

I was discussing this with someone earlier and why it has been so hard to make those boundaries is really 2 pronged.

1. There is a mental illness factor - my mom has paranoid schizophrenia and while my brother has never been diagnosed, I would not be surprised if he also has stuff going on. And so it became about when it was ok to put up a wall when they might not act this way if she wasn’t schizophrenic or if he wasn’t abused like me.

2. As for my brother, while we were growing up we were pretty much the only thing we had. And its been that way for decades. It’s been particularly hard for me to maintain my boundaries with him because I know what he’s been through and I know his mindset and how he pushes people away even though I feel deep down he doesn’t want to, which kind of bleeds into my first point.

My mom was one of my abusers who has never actually been a mother to me, and so it is easier to remove her from my life. I need to practice maintaining those boundaries now.

[ofmiceandben]

Maintaining boundaries you put up is 100% the hardest part about boundaries. I can definitely understand where you’re coming from with being hesistant with boundaries toward your brother because of the connection you guys had growing up and even recently. There’s a way to show you still care about someone even while having boundaries and you just have to find the perfect balance. Even a text or phone call to him telling him that you still care but all of this weight being on you is affecting you a lot, which isn’t fair. Putting up a boundary doesn’t always mean completely shutting a person out of your life, it just means having an understanding that you can’t always be there to hold a person up, becasuse you are your own person, just as much as they are.

For your mother, it feels a little different because she has been abusive towards you, and in my opinion she doesn’t deserve to have you in her life if she has been that way towards you for a long time. Even through mental illness no one has the right to abuse someone else or cause them any harm in any way. I’m glad to hear that it’s easier to put up boundaries with your mom and keep her out of your life but I imagine that it still can be difficult.

Just know that you’re strong enough to do these things even though it can feel extremely difficult and I 100% believe in you.