I know it has been a while since I was active here. I have reasons for this but to be honest I dont care to go into them and that’s not the subject of this post.
Basically I found out I may be expecting. For people not familiar with my story, in a nutshell, 4 years ago I became pregnant but eventually got very sick and had a miscarriage. After that I went back to school to get some work skills/experience, changed careers, bought a house, etc. 7 months ago my husband and I decided to try again and now we’re here.
On the flip side of things, stuff with family has been really stressful lately. My brother is months behind on all of his bills, is about to potentially lose his house and, when he’s not coming to be for money he tells me he’s giving up.
Last time this happened my mom texted me telling me that I need to do everything in my power to help him because she doesn’t want my brother to kill himself (her brother/my uncle killed himself when he was 23). I told her I don’t believe his life is in danger and by the way, she is his mom and she needs to be there too. To which she responded that she will decide what she needs to do, not me. Because she’s always made such amazing motherly choices. She’s always been a shitty parent and my brother goes out of his way to tell her that regularly. But heaven forbid she actually goes out of her way to help my brother 1 time in his life x.x.
Anyways. After that, I blocked both of them because they are a major source of stress in my life and I’m trying to finally be happy with it all, being in a job I can be proud of, buying a house, just celebrating my 8 year wedding anniversary. But wait. I need to babysit my big brother because my mother doesn’t want to be a mom.
Moving on. I unblocked my mom and my brother to tell them, my brother was a smart-ass about it asked asked if my husband was going to leave and asked why he was unblocked. So I told him I had apparently made a mistake and blocked him again. My mom hasn’t said anything and I don’t expect her to. At least my father who I’ve only recently smoothed out my relationship with was happy about it.
I just don’t get it I guess. I’ve never had a reliable family structure. Everyone hates everyone else and putting us all in a room together always ends badly. Always. I hate that it’s apparently my responsibility to be my brothers mother and his lender and his therapist but fuck my needs. People wonder why it’s easy for me to be alone, why I have social phobia, why I can just drop people out of my life. If family doesn’t give 2 shits about you, who can you trust?
At this point I have my husband and that’s it, and to be fair, I think I might be okay with that. At least in my case, blood is not thicker than water and family doesn’t mean shit. That’s ironic, eh?
Anyways. Thats just a taste of what’s been going on in my life. Im trying to be happy about my progress but I keep getting fucking emotionally abused by family and I guess just maybe I’ve reached the point where I’m ready to burn the bridges once and for all because it’s not my job to be a mother to my brother (especially now that I’m actually going to be a mother) or his lender or his therapist. It’s not my job to teach MY mother what it means to be there for someone. It’s not MY job to keep my brother afloat while paying off a house and saving for the future. And its up to ME to say no to the abuse. So fuck it. I think I’m ready to say no.