Sorry after not posting for such a long time, and never responding to people’s answers on my posts, my life has been pretty crazy, so I don’t get any “free time” to do stuff like getting on here often. I wanted to say thank you for everyone here who has tried to either help me or replied to my posts you have helped me off the edge multiple times right now things are really good. I’m insomnia free for two weeks (I suffer chronic insomnia due to ADHD). I get tired around early night, so my brain can’t stay up to insane hours like 3 or 4 am anymore, and last time I talked about trying to enroll in high school, and I have excellent news, I got in! I finished my first trimester with the school a couple of months ago and already started into my next trimester (my school does not do semesters it’s trimester based every three months is a new trimester). I was super nervous about getting in due to my family making it difficult to get enrollment stuff, and my age (in general high school does have a limit of age, and I’m near the edge of cut off). I was super scared they were going to deny me when I heard the news I had been accepted I promised myself I would get the highest and best grades possible to show the school that taking me was worth it. To make sure I focused on my school, I had to delete pretty much everything off my hard drive, including Twitch bookmark and Discord and I had to do the same to my phone, so if you’re wondering why you never found me hanging out in Twitch and Discord anymore, that’s why. The first trimester with the school was kind of rough after it started.
I came down with bronchitis for a while, so I was in a rush to catch up and stay caught up with the other students, but I made it through! I aced my finals with all A’s with 100% and my final grade in my classes where all A’s with either 100% and 95% (the 95% is thanks to my science teacher who said "honey you already have A in my class you don’t need to redo any work while I said no I need to because % needs to be 100! and after that, she refused to let me redo anymore work, so I was stuck with A with 95%). The second trimester (it’s the 3rd one but my second trimester with them) it’s going good. I like some of my classes, just Biology and Image Design, with editing. I don’t really like my other courses. Algebra is the world worst invented subject!, History and English are boring. But I do have some upcoming History projects that are about to make the class fun for me I sent an email to my History teacher that was quite honestly a starter for an essay on some topics I thought I could do projects on.
The first subject I asked about was mental asylums. The assignment is about did history teach us anything about mental asylums, and why did we allow them to happen because I already have some knowledge on them the past is dark. Nobody questioned what did happen inside of those places my history teacher was surprised by what I told her about them and told me yes I could do a project on it. My second subject is nuclear energy. If it’s a good idea or not due to events like Fukushima in Japan and Chernobyl in Ukraine who used nuclear power and had massive horrible accidents, she thought this was an interesting subject. She told me I could even present this to my class. My third final subject is on if Cronoavirus is a 21-century plague and if so has past plagues taught us something, and she thought this was also an interesting subject to cover. I asked about the topic before Cronoavirus had become as massive as it has. She told me yes on all of these projects, so after spring break, I’m going to be busy during the weekends working on these.
About my Image Design with Editing class, I honestly found my passion in life before the third trimester the Image Design teacher already had contact with me since she was teaching the computer class I was in. Every week she asked me to do various projects for her. Here are some of the requests she asked for “Make Yoda doing yoga, BTS into stormtroopers, make a terrifying picture out of this creepy Yoda kid costume, etc.” So I spent my weekends fulfilling all of her requests in a Windows program called Powerpoint since I didn’t know of any other image program every Monday when she saw my “work” I call it that because I prefer to call them abominations. She was always happy, surprised, and laughed at it (Don’t worry, this was a good kind of laughing since the captions and images were made to be funny she was not mean). By the end of the trimester, she was calling me a pro at PowerPoint, and I was not in Image Design class. Yet, I was still in computer fundamentals (sounds confusing let me clear it up, so computer fundamentals class teaches how to use a computer while Image Design teaches how to make stuff in PowerPoint so I was learning ahead of the class basically).
As it was starting to get to the end of the second trimester, she told me that due to my grade level, I could skip the second class and go straight into my pathway major. I wanted and let me clear this up, so it does not confuse anyone IT pathway starts with computer fundamentals (learning to use a computer) followed by IT exploration (exploration the three paths available). After you finish fundamentals, you move to exploration next. You pick the major/path you want. However, due to my grade level, I could skip exploration and go straight into my major/path. I decided to skip IT exploration, so I had to pick my major/path, but that was hard. Because when I first joined the school, my heart was set on app coding but found out my school only offers two types of coding, either Game design or Network security. IT paths are either Image, Game, or Network I decided not to do game design path because of the horror stories of game developers. the network path was out because my answer to someone’s problem would be “go buy a 60 dollar anti-virus program like the rest of the world.”
Because of this, I was limited to the Image path, and after falling, a google rabbit hole of graphic design. I found that graphic designers make the photobooks that come with Korean albums. This made my interest in the career grow because I love the photos that occur in the books. Any genre of music artist also needs someone to create the album artwork, which I love music cause it’s helped me through so much. But I was scared of making the wrong choice. Hence, I asked some of my friends for career advice and, this was there answer, “chose something that makes you happy and can do every day don’t pick something that makes you miserable and feel like endless work.” one of my friends is in college right now and picked a major they hate. However, they had to pick something so they could go out and become an adult, something I didn’t want happening to me.
So after thinking more, I decided game design and networking majors were definitely out and picked Image design when I got the email from my advisor telling me I was skipping exploration going straight into Image design. I was honestly the most excited and happy person ever and couldn’t wait to tell my computer teacher I would be with her again! (she taught both computer and image now just image) I don’t really remember it, but I downloaded Gimp and started editing with zero skills teaching myself everything I know. I even designed and created a couple of my own templates the photos inside the template are not mine but the template its self is all made by me.
We have been in the third trimester for a couple of weeks now, and already Image Design with Editing class has started to use PowerPoint. But not me because in my teacher’s words repeated multiple times, “you’re a pro at PowerPoint,” which is a lie because I’m horrible at it. Friday, she told me that instead of doing the assignments that rest of the class is doing, she wants me to skip it submit edits I make in Photoshop. (paid image editing program she got for Digital Arts and me) she wants me to do this because all the image design assignments are in PowerPoint. This is not something I need to complete since I taught myself everything in PowerPoint without her, and I’m already in her eyes a pro at Image editing so; instead, she wants me to play with Photoshop and submit my edits as assignments. She also wants me to learn how to do everything in Photoshop so I can be both her Powerpoint and Photoshop pro. This way, I’m the one who answers and helps show how to do everything in both programs funny since she’s the teacher she’s supposed to teach the class, not me.
I don’t see myself as a pro even good at editing cause all my Powerpoint creations are real abominations, and my editing inside Gimp also Photoshop is every terrible does not even come near a poor category in judgment. Since Friday, I’ve been on various websites downloading backgrounds, texts, photos, etc. to make edits which hontestly really terrible abominations. I’m not making real abominations, but it feels like they are looking at other people edits online when I come up with an idea and make it happen. I look at someone else who came up with a similar idea, and there looks beautiful. I stare at mine being like, “why did that turn out beautiful, and my looks like some abomination!?” Although my work turns out being an abomination now, when I look at a photo, my mind comes up with an idea right away for it. For example, a forest “turn the forest dark and make spider webs just faintly being there with a slight ability to see some shadows coming between the tree’s.” or a photo of a skull “add cracks and make the top of it breaking open with dark roses with black butterflies slowly coming out of it. Possibly the roses dripping blood and top of the image had How It Feels To Be Lost by SWS maybe add broken glass to the cover with shards below the skull.” it just comes naturally to me when I look at photos now. I love making ideas come to life. It looks horrible, but it came to life, and my teacher loves it surprised at how quickly I grasped Gimp and taught myself so much in there.
I not only found my high school major but found my passion and career I want graphic design my school teaches Digital Arts with some degree in Photoshop, but graphic design is pretty much the same as digital arts. Although they are pretty much the same, I plan when college session starts for me to be looking for graphic design colleges I prefer aboard in Japan or South Korea since I have a rough idea of a career for Korea. However, I can figure it out if I stay in the states for college.
I’m surprised I even made it far enough to be thinking about college when not long ago I was on edge ready for my life to end coming here to write out my feelings and have someone to talk to helped me off the edge. I’m about to turn 20 years old in a couple of days officially no longer a teenager one year away from being a fully legal adult (18 is legal, but so much you can’t do until 21). I never in my life through I would make to 18 definitely not 20 years old. I remember when I was a young teenager every year on my birthday, I would say, “8 years, six years, four years, okay two years you can make it now one more a year left, that’s all.” counting down each year to my 18th birthday. I told myself if by 18 I was still alive, then I would kill myself didn’t know how or what way but would figure that out. I know that’s a wrong way of looking at things that it could have got better within years, but I didn’t look at it that way. I was going to die by 18 years old because I couldn’t handle things anymore as the years kept going by various things. My house, my birth parents, no ability to run, and overall feeling like a puppet to my family I thought it would last forever. My house was and still is (every much less right now) a mix of happy and bad days a happy day my family leaves me alone does not even speak a word.
In contrast, the bad day is my family yelling, screaming, and making threats against hitting me, sending me off to an asylum,calling the police on me (this should be the opposite). Right now, my house is having many happy days because of schooling; my family can’t even speak a word to me! I’m too busy with classes, homework, assignments from Image teacher, history project research, and work and study. But back then, my house was a large mix, and until I got out of bed, I never knew what type of day it was going to be even than what kind of day could switch. So I kept counting every single birthday until I turned 18, but I never followed through with my plan after so many years I honestly forgot until my house was having a bad day that I had turned 18 years old still didn’t follow through with the plan.
I don’t remember turning 19, but I didn’t count down to suicide that day I remember that much no instead I kept living getting through the bad days enjoying the good days in my house until I found this site when I was on the edge after I broke up with my girlfriend. It help keep me from jumping over that edge. But I kept coming and going from this site, and after starting school, I ultimately left due to wanting good grades.
Today while on a website looking for editing items like backgrounds and texts, I started to think about Heart support. my old suicidal plan for my birthday realizing I’m about to turn 20 years old, and in a few days, I’m meeting students from my school who became friends with me. (I’m on an online school we can only see the teacher we use a chat system for students) it surprised me that I was younger than 18 planning to die on my birthday that was years ago, and now here I’m alive past 18 2 years after my stupid plan, and I’ve done better for my life. I’m in high school with a major in Digital Arts (Image path but it teaches Digital arts and adobe art programs) and already have my possible college major and my career path in mind for my life.
I have a passion for what I’m doing now in Image Design and the pathway I feel like taking to graphic design. I like the idea. For once, I do feel happy not only does is my house in good days, but the thoughts of suicide or harming myself are gone, and I made myself some friends, which is hard cause social problems. This will be my first time meeting my friends since we go to an online school, and I’m nervous even wanted to cancel multiple times, but I won’t back out of it. The same group of friends (minus 1 of them) later this year we are going to a concert unless it gets canceled but if we do go it’s going to be my first concert the venue is massive, so I’m scared but excited plus it’s a state away from me. It gives me time away from my family.
Wow, that ended up longer than I thought it would have been, but thanks to everyone here whom I’ve met or talked to you really helped me off and again, I’m so so sorry I left Twitch and Discord without a single notice may be scaring some of you. However, I had to leave because I was trying to get accepted into high school, and I wanted to be better this time by getting the best grades A with 100% compared to when I was in public school bearly passing each year. Because I want to be better this time with school, I’m really hard on myself and will accept nothing below A with 100%, so unless I’m on break, I’m not on my social media. It’s spring break, so I might get on Twitch for a few days. I don’t know yet, and now I have to go. It’s getting dark, and my family asks me annoying questions when I’m on my desktop at night, so bye.
Hi, Skylar, it’s okay if you don’t always respond to comments on your post. The most important thing is that you have a place where you can safely go to if you need it. If you were able to use it to release some of the things you were feeling, that’s what matters. You don’t have to apologize if you don’t respond to the comments, whether its because you just don’t feel like it or don’t have time to. People are primarily there to encourage you and remind you that you are not alone. <3
Hey, that’s good news! I certainly know the hardships of insomnia and ADHD. As I deal with both. So I’m glad that you were able to find some rest and that you got into your school. - Also, it’s okay if you needed to cut back on social media for school. If that’s what helps you stay focused! Totally healthy move!
I think it’s great that you have so much ambition for school and that you want to do your best. But I also think that you should allow yourself some breathing room and credit yourself more. You hold yourself to such a high standard. You don’t have to be 100% all of the time to excel, succeed and do well. It’s important to remember, you do not have to be perfect all of the time and you should not expect that of yourself either. It’s okay to thrive to do well, but don’t over do yourself. <3
I think this is solid advice. If you have a realistic choice to go with something that is more enjoyable to you, then you should follow your heart and choose a path that makes you happy. Rather than go down a path that doesn’t even feel good to you and regret it later. I know sometimes in life we have to do jobs that we may not love in order to put bread on the table, but when it comes to school and studying, you should choose things that you feel passionate or good about.
I think you are being too hard on yourself. You seem to call you work “abomination” quite a lot - You should be easier on yourself. Especially since you are still at school studying and learning. And besides, just because someone else has a project that looks good doesn’t mean that you’rs isn’t well done. It’s okay to want to improve and to do better. It’s okay to want to get better at the things you do, but you shouldn’t be so harshly critical on yourself all of the time. You seem to call a lot of things you do an “abomination” which, like I said before, you shouldn’t hold overly high standards on yourself. You can’t be perfect all of the time and shouldn’t expect yourself to be <3
I think it’s great that you have come so far. And you seem to be very ambitious. That’s really great! I think that is something to credit yourself for. You seem to do very well. Even if you have a tenancy to over criticize yourself. I think you are going to do really great <3
I can relate to this a lot. As, for many years I didn’t think I’d even make it to being 30. I 100% believed that my life would be over. Things were really messy and felt like there was no way out. I felt hopeless. But even with all of the things that felt so hopeless, I was able to find a way out. I found a way to survive. I found a way to get away from the things that were dragging me down. My life is certainly not perfect now, but I am in a better place and much happier. I feel like you have great potential to achieve the happiness and things you want. You seem to carry such great ambition to do these things. Even when school is hard, you push and do well. You have excellent grades. You can really go somewhere, friend. That’s amazing! Keep learning, growing and embrace that natural ambition and you will go great places. <3
I’m sorry to hear that your family is such a difficult place to be around. I too lived in a very broken house hold. There was a lot of fighting and hurtful behavior. I was abused by my mother and my grandparents. So I know how hard that can be. But I think it is an incredible thing that despite the hardships you have to face inside your home that you have still found a way to keep fighting and keep thriving. That is a powerful thing. You have so much strength inside of you. I’m glad that you were able to find this site and it was able to help you when you were in a more difficult time. And know that, even if you come and go, you’re always welcome here to share your heart and what all is going on with your life, even if you don’t always respond. Know that you are loved, valued and cared for! I don’t think it was a bad thing at all that you stepped away so you could focus on school. I think it’s great that you know where the distractions are and you limit those distractions so you can study. Not everyone is very good at doing that. So good on you <3 You have a good head on your shoulders. <3
See!? Good for you! I’m so glad you kept going. I obviously never followed through with my plan either. I thought for sure I’d never survive past 30. I told myself if I couldn’t get my life together by then, then Id just quit. But, I am now 35. My life isn’t perfect or exactly where I want it yet, but I’m in a healthy place, Im surrounded by good people, I have good friends and I absolutely love this community. I’m growing in my arts. It is possible for people who are feeling at their worst, to over come it, heal and succeed. Which you are doing. I’ll say it again, you’re doing so well. Just remember not to expect perfection of yourself all of the time. It’s okay to not be perfect sometimes. I’m so happy that you didn’t take your life when you were 18. It’s cool to look back after years and see how much you have grown. <3
Hey, I’m really happy for you. Truly. What a great post. To see where you most struggled but to see you over come all of that and begin to succeed. And you have made friends. I understand how you can be nervous but don’t give up. You have show cased that even when you are struggling you are able to over come it. And I think you will continue to do really well. So have fun with your friends, enjoy yourself. Laugh. Smile. And know that we are always here if you need.
Proud of you friend. You’ve come a really long ways!
Don’t apologize. Do what you need to stay focused in school. It seems to be working! Were here when you are ready to come back. Good luck to you my friend.
- Kitty