This is going to be really really long, just like the other posts I’ve made, so if you’re in for a long boring explanation of some of my boring life, feel free to continue. If you’re not, I don’t blame you for stopping here.
So a week or two ago someone brought up the subject of hoarding in one of the live Twitch streams. I don’t remember what was said, but I’ve been thinking about hoarding ever since then. I feel like I can understand the mindset, although whether or not I’m really a hoarder, I really have no idea. Despite my selection of the subject as “this will never get better,” I realize that there is a point where it can get better. It just feels like it will never happen because I can’t afford a therapist, much less a therapist that specializes in hoarding. I can barely leave the house without having an anxiety or panic attack, so finding a job to get an income to be able to afford one isn’t an option. Jeez, sometimes I have panic attacks while I’m in the house just with the traffic moving by. I know about the free week with better help through heart support, so please don’t tell me about it.
Back when I was a half normal person, I used to tell people that I thought I was a hoarder. It’s not even that I don’t get rid of stuff, it’s just the amount of things that I have. And the fact that I like to know that my things are going to someone who can use them and really will use them in a good way. Otherwise whatever the thing is sits there until I find someone or it goes bad and I have to throw it out. I guess I should explain more about my things and my mindset.
I live in my parents house, and the third floor is my living space. Basically, it’s my apartment. Before I stopped working, I paid rent to them every month. I know I will never find a SO, so there was no point in me searching for something to make me get out on my own and it was a good solution for all three of us.
There’s two rooms that are mine. One is my bedroom, the other is my craft room/library. Everything I own is in these two room.
Shortly after I graduated from high school, about twenty years ago, I found these Disney Princess porcelain dolls that are absolutely amazing. Over the next few years, I bought every single one that I could find that was different than any of the others I had bought already. I did accidentally buy a couple of doubles and gave them to one of my sisters. The reason I bought them was because to my thinking, it was an investment for the future. A lot of things gather value over time, and since they are Disney, I thought for sure they would be valuable one day. So yes, instead of saving the money in a retirement account, I spent it on dolls. I guess that’s better than spending it all on drugs or alcohol. I think there’s 52 of them sitting in my closet in my bedroom at this very moment. My closet is the length of one wall of the room, although it’s not a walk-in. It’s just long. They take up half of the closet. I’ve realized that if they ever are worth money, I’ll probably be long gone and buried by then. But still, despite the amount of space they take, I feel like I shouldn’t get rid of them. So they’ll continue setting in my closet for god knows how long. But at the same time, it feel pointless to leave them there. Someone else could have them that would enjoy displaying them rather than letting them sit in a dark place.
I have a bunch of DVD’s. Not many newer ones as I don’t watch much TV, nor do I watch movies very often. I went through them one day about a year ago, and put aside every dvd that I don’t want anymore into a box. I didn’t count how many there are, but I believe there are a few hundred. They still sit in the box to this day, waiting for me to do something with them. But I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t know where to take them. So they’ll continue sitting there for god knows how long.
I have a lot of books. I don’t have as many as I used to, but there are still a lot of books, and I don’t know if I should keep them or not. I used to have over 2000 books. That was because my uncle gave me over 1000 books and I kept them for a while before donating them, although I don’t remember where I took them to. Over time, I thinned out my personal collection. I think I’m down to somewhere around 400. The thing is, I don’t read them anymore. Ever since the trauma in 2016, I hardly ever read. I lost interest in all of the things I used to do, and I miss them so much. But I don’t have the want to do them, nor do I have the mind capacity to do them anymore. I want to read. The books I have are authors that I used to love. And that’s why I’m having trouble getting rid of them. I know I don’t use them, but what if I get rid of them and then regret it? I would be so mad at myself.
When I used to work, I used to crochet. I crocheted for about fifteen years. And I used to crochet a lot. I would buy yarn every couple of weeks, and I would go through a lot of the yarn by the time I went back to the store. My stock was constantly going up and down and, except for the few I kept, I always gave the blanket away as soon as it was done.I would always make sure to have tons of yarn on hand. I don’t know how much I really had, but I can tell you there was literally 2 four shelf book cases that were packed, plus an old display stand for Klutz books that was also packed. I eventually donated almost all of them to this one lady who knits sweaters and then gives them to an organization that sends them to people in need. I have a small bag to give her yet. Otherwise it’s all gone. I miss crocheting, but I don’t have the want to do it anymore. I feel my whole body rejecting it and I feel disgusted when I even try.
My art supplies have taken over the space where the yarn was. I do use these things, but I don’t get to use them as often as I’d like, and so they sit here, staring at me. I’ve wondered if I should just get rid of my art supplies and just stop trying to create altogether, because I have trouble remembering everything and anything to do with making art. They take up a lot of space and… I don’t know.
Heck, I even have all of my tax forms from when I started working in 1998 all the way up to this past year. I know they say to keep them seven years and then it’s safe to get rid of them, but what if I need proof of income from 1998 for some bizarre reason?
Thing is, I don’t know how to decide what to get rid of and what to keep. I don’t want to get rid of something and then regret it, especially while I don’t have the money to get another one. The things I do want to get rid of, I have a hard time deciding on where it should go and so it sets there. I realize that once it’s out of my hands, it doesn’t really matter, but there are a lot of organizations that I don’t personally believe in. Salvation Army? No. My sister is a salvation army minister and I live next to a salvation army house, and from the things I’ve heard from both of them, I don’t believe they are the best place to donate. I realize that there are good things that they do, but I don’t believe that most of the donations and money go to what they say. There’s several organizations that I have this outlook on, so it makes it hard for me to donate anything. I’ve given things to firehouses in the past, but the only ones who will take these donations are too far away from me. Maybe I should give those organizations the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t seem to make myself do that. It’s so frustrating.
Ok. That was my “rant” or whatever you want to call it for today. I’m sorry this was so long and thank you for reading if you made it this far.
~Daisy
