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Holding onto thoughts and secrets

Today I looked at my plant and what I saw was a plant who has survived multiple of my bad depressive states. The past month being one of those moments again that I didn’t want to take care of myself and couldn’t take care of him (yes, my plant is a him and his name is Izaäk). Izaäk looked really down and heavy, because I didn’t take care of him like I should. I didn’t water him enough, I didn’t make sure he got enough ground minerals, and still he was alive. He looked horrible, but he was alive. Like I said, he has survived many of my bad depressive states and has been a silent reminder that if I don’t take care of myself I can’t take care of him. I looked at him today and saw how there were more dead leaves than usual and decided to grab a bag and some scissors and cinnamon and just start removing the dead leaves. While I was working on that, I noticed that Izaäk’s branches went up a bit more. Those dead leaves were literally weighing him down and taking a lot of his energy away from keeping himself alive and healthy. Heck, I think it even took away some of the energy to send water and nutrients to the healthy parts of his body (I had started watering him a couple of days ago again). This made me think of something though.
Like Izaäk trying to hold on to those dead leaves, I’ve been trying to hold on to my bad thoughts. Not consciously, but whenever I’m not willing to share how lost I feel or pass judgment on my own thoughts and think that others would think I am a certain way or they would judge me for things. But the thing is, whenever I do share stuff with others, I feel less heavy, less alone, and less like I’m holding onto the secrets of the past. It’s like a weight is lifted from my shoulders, and even though I don’t look or feel amazing, I do feel less heavy. Because I don’t have to keep a secret anymore and I don’t have to carry everything alone anymore.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, it was just a couple of thoughts that came into my mind today, but thanks for reading this anyways.
For those reading this: You’re Loved! You’re Strong! You’re Beautiful! You’re Important! And don’t let anyone, including yourself, tell you otherwise.



hi @nyntje !!

first off, it’s amazing to read your post after interacting with you in twitch chats!! this is a beautifully written post full of amazing symbolism between your life and Izaäk’s. thank you for sharing this and your own discoveries on how y’all’s lives are so closely similar. i hope that you can continue to shed those dead leaves so you can feel weightless from all you carry. you are incredibly strong and i am so proud of you for being able to share these thoughts and experiences with your own depression. Izaäk is so lucky to have you to take care of him!

also, you posting this also reminds people like me that it’s okay to lean on others to help shed those dead leaves. keep on growing, thriving, and bringing beauty to this world, nyn!



This post made my day. It was so nice to read the whole way through and I enjoyed every minute of it :}

Izaäk’s a fighter and so are you. Izaäk has survived many of your depressive episodes, but so have YOU, and I admire you for it. It takes a lot out of you, and to have come out of it all so strong and so kind is really an amazing thing.

I hope you can continue to shed your dead leaves and share secrets and do things that make you feel lighter, because you really do deserve companionship and to be seen and heard. You’re a wonderful person and I hope you will continue to take care of yourself!! Thank you for sharing. This was a beautiful read.


Oh my dear, beautiful friend. <3 You are on the right path. Don’t doubt yourself. You are SO loved and appreciated in this life, and are such a bright light in this world.



Hey Nyntje!

AmandaRuthArt had some wonderful things to say about your post today on Twitch!

Here is a link to the quick video so you can hear what they had to say,


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