Holding up... somehow

Those who have read my previous posts know what I am currently dealing with. Thanks to the massive support I got here, I am constantly improving. I have my ups and downs, but the ups get more frequent and the downs less intensive.

I still have to go a far way, and my first appointment at my therapist will be in 9 days.

I am trying to figure out as good as I can to root the sources of my problems.

So far I am dealing with:

  • Paranoia according treatement by people close to me
  • deeply depressive phases with suicidal urges
  • feeling worthless and unwanted/unneeded
  • Burn out with work related panic attacks, unable to work for more that 1 or 2 hrs a day, leading to extreme exhaustion with physical pain in arms and chest
  • Problems with expressing myself verbally under huge stress. word finding problems.

So far I have identified the possible sources of my problems

  • childhood abuse by my parents, without really being able to solve those issues with my parents on whatever way.
  • forced retraining from lefty to righty in first grade, combined with physical and psychical abuse by my teacher
  • work relatet - no free time for the last 20 years, working also mostly at weekends (could also be a symptom according to my family history)

Knowing these issues help me to acknowledge the triggers which lead to my depressive and paranoia phases. Not always I manage to keep the distance, and fall into that deep pithole and seriously consider suicide again. Most of the times it helps to take a nap, and when I wake up again I can identify what triggered me, and see if the situation actually was as I experianced it, or if it was my paranoia again. Usually it is my paranoia I identify. In cases where I cannot identify my paranoia I more and more manage to get an emotional distance, learn who to trust, and to whom keep a distance, who is good for me, and who seems to obviously is harmful for my mental health (not meaning that these persons are treating me on purpose badly)

I need this place here, to vent, to let out my thoughts, and to get support. It became vital to me, and it already has saved my life. Not only do I want to thank everybody who took the time to deal with me and my problems (in this forum and byond), I also try to support others as good as I can.

I know you are here in my darker times. I really appreciate it.


I’m struggling with brain power since I work graveyard shifts, but I love what you’ve written. Very insightful!


Dang this is beautiful. Thank you so much for making these courageous choices to be real, to allow others in, and to make positive changes in your life. I am proud of you. Way to go setting up your counseling appointment and for being mindful of your experiences in the meantime. It’s crazy hard to feel like life has a tide that is against your growth and improvement…and for you to have the courage to turn against that, to say – this will not be the end of me, I will make things better. BRILLIANT. BRAVE. Proud of you. Keep going, friend.


Thank you so much for your feedback. I gives me hope, that I am really on my right way. Today I totally overdid it. I was at work, and finishing some parts at a CNC milling machine. It was nothing too stressfull, and nobody was around to give me a hard time. I wasn’t getting along as good as I wanted, and so I stayed longer than planned, eventually 7hrs.

When I finally got home I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I watched a stream of a streamer which I usually enjoy, but I felt angry and edgy, and I decided agaist participating in the chat, and instead I was just lurking on my laptop, and felt asleep on my couch.
When I woke up again, my body ached (still aches) and I feel down. I could have joined some friends playing among us, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone - which is seldom for me as I like to have a bit of attention. I have these slight thoughts of ending everything again, to avoid going to work again. This tired moment. I wish I could sleep at the moment. I feel like crying, but I can’t. I feel like venting, but there is nothing really to vent about. I feel empty.
I have thought about starting some stuff for a private project, but it feels not right, as I don’t know if I ever will finish it. I wish so much for that dark and emotional void and being without pain.

I know the reason for all that, I worked too much today, put myself under too much pressure. I know I am not ready for working again, and still I do let others put their pressure on me, and do work.

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Today was my first therapy session. We talked about what I think to have made progress with since the first session where I got to know each other.
I have posted my progress above and I told him the same, what I was thinking, and he was very impressed about my thoughts, and agrees that I made a huge step. He said it is not uncommon that patients need some impetus to have their development running and was happy that I did that much work already, and agreed to my conclusions so far.
I also told him about HeartSupport and he also was glad that this community exists.I told him that I am careful about self diagnosis, and he agreed to that, but also said I shouldn’t worry too much, that if I come to wrong conclusions, he will interfere soon enough, if he thinks that something goes into the wrong direction.

He thinks that I will be on sick leave for at least another few months, and a frequent therapy just can start at march, until then we will have random apointments, if another patient chancels a meeting.

I am exhausted after that talk, but I feel confident. My therapist is a depth psychologist, and of about the same age as me, I was with with a behavioral psychologist 20 years ago, and I didn’t feel good with that, and didn’t make any progress. I think this time it is better.


Ishwood, this is great news. I am excited to hear that therapy went well and that you’re continuing on this path of self-improvement. I also like your acknowledgment that sometimes our hearts/minds have to catch up to our bodies…sometimes when our bodies are exhausted, we can find ourselves not having anythign to give, not being able to have enough emotion to keep our spirits buoyant. That’s okay. Rest and support and kindness are good medicine :slight_smile:

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