Homewrecker, vent + advice please

I could really use someone to talk to right now.
I’m having some relationship problems, and it’s bringing up so much trauma and negative beliefs about myself… I’m feeling really low and could use some advice on this situation.

I’ve been seeing this man for a few months, he’s married and his wife knows that he’s seeing me because they have an open-marriage-type agreement. But apparently, he hasn’t been completely honest with her about our relationship, and she went through his phone, saw our texts, and got upset. He left out details about what we were doing, she feels betrayed like he cheated, and so now they’re getting divorced.
I feel awful. Like a homewrecker, and kind of used. It’s a horrible feeling. I feel stupid, like I should have known better than to sleep with a married man. I thought his wife was informed and what we were doing was okay, but I had to take his word for it and he wasn’t honest.

He said it’s not my fault, that this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and divorce was inevitable. But like, I thought they were happy? Why didn’t he tell me that they were in a rough patch? I might have been hesitant to get involved with him if I had known they were in a shaky spot in their marriage! They’ve been married for ten years, and have two kids together. I thought they were stable, happy, and everyone was consenting to this.

Now I just feel so torn up about everything. I really have enjoyed spending time with him, and I want to be there for him because he’s getting divorced and has to move out, all this is happening so fast. But I don’t know how I feel about what he did. He put me in an awful situation that I didn’t ask for, and he kind of lied to me about the state of his relationship. I’ve only seen him 2-3 months, but he’s been nothing but great to me when we’re together.

I’m taking some space to let him and his wife deal with things, and so I can try and process this. I feel like I had the carpet ripped out from under me:( I feel like it’s such a weird situation to be in, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. If you could give me your advice, or just chat for a bit, I’d really appreciate it <3

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Hey friend,
I’m sorry this guy has put you in such an awkward situation to make you feel this way.
Please remember that it is NOT your fault, if he told you the truth, nothing would’ve happened between you and he probably knew that so lied.
I personally would walk away from the whole situation, it sounds like it could be a massive red flag for a mental health dip, but obviously everyone’s different. Just remember to do the best thing for yourself
:heart:

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This is the usual “go to” answer. Were going to get a divorce anyway… BS.

I’m sorry, he wasn’t honest with his wife about you. It really isn’t your fault, because it sounds like he misled you too. Just because of that, I would tell him to F off if it was me. Relationships are hard enough when there are just two people involved. Add more and if people aren’t honest and consent to what is going on, there can be a lot of heartache.

I think you should realize that you did nothing wrong here. You believed his wife knew.

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hi there,

Sure sounds like when a guy says that a divorce was inevitable, it is to excuse himself for causing problems in his marriage. So he pretends there were always problems, and not his cheating that broke his marriage. Further, there are a handful of men who will say anything to try to hook up with someone, from i’m not married/we’re separated/ she’s cheating on me and i’m so sad, etc. Who knows, you may not have been the first unknowing victim of his lies and betrayal!

You asked and answered the question right here. If you would have said no, then how would he have benefitted from this? I’m sure he was intent on having an affair, and would have said any lie to convince you.

It is my belief that the responsibility for being faithful to your partner is the duty of the two married or otherwise committed partners. Even if a third person tries to intervene, a faithful partner tells that the third person to eff off and they’re not interested.

For him to say that the wife was cool with it when she had no clue? 100% his fault.
If you’re still interested in this sort of arrangement in the future, where the partners are in an open relation, it might be a good idea to talk to the other partner to make sure they’re on board with the whole thing from the get-go.

You deserve better than a partner who lies like this and then makes you feel so awful afterwards.

Like the two others above me said, I’d walk away. He caused this situation, you owe him nothing. If he can betray his wife like this, and further lie and betray you too, then it’s prob not worth investing more time into this, because you don’t know what “this” really is - an affair, an ill-timed relationship, one in a series of flings?

You weren’t the homewrecker in this case, he was. He broke his wife’s faith and trust, you were just the means by which he did so. Relationships are hard work, find one that makes you feel good about yourself.

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Thank you for your kind words and advice. It really means a lot to hear how other people see this situation.
I can see now that these are some serious red flags, and I plan on ending things with him. It sucks but you all said it best. A relationship should be fun and beneficial and I didn’t sign up for this drama.

He told me he’s going to work on things with his wife, and that she might be moving out of town so they have space from each other. But he still wants to keep seeing me… It’s too complicated and I don’t really trust him anymore so I’m out :v:
I’m not looking forward to ending things, but it’s for the best. I’ll probably post in a few days when that conversation happens. Thanks again all of you, I feel the support and it gives me strength :heart:

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just to underscore how shady he is… he’s gonna try to work it out with his wife AND keep seeing you? That is the HEART of the problem though! Yup, you go on and nope out of that. Let him deal with his own mess!

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