Honestly Fuck This

Excuse my language, but honestly fuck this life. If anything else could go wrong, at this point it wouldn’t even phase me cause fuck it you might as throw the entire world at me, because it’s pretty damn close to already being that way. Now let me simmer down…

I’m alone… now this word may mean different things to people, but like I mean I am alone. Now this is my fault sure, but it is the reality. I’ve literally deleted all my socials, I kept my discord account just in case a couple people needed me, but hell not even they have reached out to me. I’ve wanted to die consistently for almost a year now, but honestly never had the guts to do it. I’ve written dozens of suicide notes, and later ended up throwing them away hoping I would see a glimpse of light.

At this point I don’t care. In about an hour my paycheck will hit my account, and I’ll go buy more pills so I can be numb again, cause if I can’t be dead, I at least need to be numb in order to survive. I’m over living, at this point I’m not even really living I’m just surviving, and that sucks more than being alive. But what the hell do I do at this point?

My dad had a heart attack a couple months ago and he’s not doing well. My mom has a baseball sized cyst on her neck that sits on the two main arteries in her neck, and she can’t afford to have it removed, so instead it’s going to continue to grow until it blocks her airways, and then the er will remove it without insurance. So basically what I’m telling you are both my parents are dying, and there’s not shit I can do about it.

Honestly I’m not super close with my parents, but I’ve stayed alive for them, and maybe just maybe with them being ill, if I lose them that’ll be the peace I need to just end it. I don’t even know why I wake up anymore, because honestly I have no purpose.

I lost everyone and everything I cared about, and well sure it was my fault, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Honestly, I’ve just quickly realized that I have nothing left to offer this world, so what the fuck is the point?

Emailing you about this. TLDR: your parents’ problems are not your fault. Love you friend.