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Hope feels like a treason

I cant do anything anymore. I feel so stuck up in my pain, everything hurts and everytime I am catching hope it feels like iti is just a trick to make thigs even worse after that. All the people around me dont seem to understand me, and the psychologists make it even worse when they act like they could help me, but seems like they cant. My best friend just failed his last attempt to submit his Bachelor thesis, and recently I catched myself thinking hopefully he will kill himself because then I would be right about all this bad stuff I am thinking, that this pain is really there, and that he also feels it and i dont know, that I am not the only one like this. People around me say I am a coward, and they act like they could help me, but they cant. They say I am going too deep, and laugh at me, and they think I wouldnt notice, but I do, and it hurts like hell. I am thinking much of my granddad who passed away many years ago, and feel like he is sitting there in heaven smiling about me and saying that I am doing it right. But then things here on earth happen again, people trying to help me who cant, and I start smoking one cigarette after the other, and hell I dont know where to go anymore. Well, people around here are crying for attention again, think I should help them.

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Hey,
I hear you I get it listen I went through times like you are going through before it is ok to feel pain it is ok to hurt sometimes. Don’t beat yourself up for it. But it is also ok to tell yourself I can be hopefull I can get better. I know it sounds impossible especially when you are constantly telling yourself I suck and I’m no good. But you have worth trust me.

-Andrew

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Thank you Andrew! Somehow I am feeling way better today, and I dont know if I should trust this? Because this has happened so many times in the last weeks, month and years, taht I dont really know anymore. And I dont see my worth, I just feel like I am jumping from branch to branch of the tree, but never staying. I feel like I am just a damn egoist who wants to have all the attention by always quitting, hurting others and never staying in one place long enough to really make a difference. People stop catching up to me, because they feel like I am swirling around myself anyway, and of course they dont like me because I am just here and then there and never stay. I dont feel like I have refuge places, except for places where I am alone or where I can quit anytime I want to. Its not healthy, I know, but what can I do? Feels like I cant help myself with this, and I try to force myself into stability, but cant find it …

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I just found this post, but man! I seriously relate to what you said

I am just here and then there and never stay. I dont feel like I have refuge places, except for places where I am alone or where I can quit anytime I want to. Its not healthy, I know, but what can I do? Feels like I cant help myself with this, and I try to force myself into stability, but cant find it …

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Seems a good surviving strategy tho no? :stuck_out_tongue:

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Well, no, it isnt. You need stability, and the sooner you find it and build yourself some, the better. I am fighting like hell to find this stability, but still it is f*** hard to find it. And its not a game, because suicide is real, it IS a real danger, and the later you get yourself help the worse it will be. So, get out there, show them people how bad off you really are and hope that you find the right ones to stand by your side when you need help and attention the really really most. I for myself am fighting like never in my life to survive this, for just now to barely survive this and you better pray that it wont be too late when you reach out for help.

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Hey friend,

Indeed, we probably all need some kind of stability. Or at least, to feel like we belong somewhere even when we keep moving. I’ve been feeling myself like a wanderer for most of my life. My family home wasn’t a healthy place to grew up in. I was bullied at school. I became a loner and learned early in life to help myself instead of asking others. First time I posted here on the Support Wall, someone said “you belong”. Just two words. But how meaningful they were to me. I didn’t feel like I belonged here at first - after all, it was just a website full of strangers. But with time, I’ve learned to know people in this community and it feels like family now. If someone had told me that I’d find some stability in an online place, I’d probably have laughed - yet it happened.

I don’t know if this place could bring that same feeling to you, but I can assure you, you are not made to wander for your entire life. You are not made to hurt, be hurt and run away all the time. Quitting can be needed sometimes for a purpose of survival, of self-protection, of starting something you. But quitting your own life is never a solution.

I don’t know what happened to you. What brought you to feel like hope is a treason, like you’re an egoist hurting others, like people are abandoning you. But I want to invite you to share it here, if you’d like to. If there is a place where you can share your heart and be yourself without the fear of being rejected or left alone, it is here. Maybe we won’t understand everything or how you feel precisely, but we can surely create some bridges that would help to create a better understanding and connection.

You matter friend. You don’t have to be stuck in this survival strategy. You have the right to live.

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