I wish there was some magical thing I could say to you that would change things for you. I know how hard it is to not have hope or motivation. I know how dark your thoughts are and how hopeless you feel. I’m in that place myself quite often as you already know.
I’ve said this before, but the thing that keeps me going is curiosity. I’m curious what tomorrow might bring and what I might learn about myself. Thru out my life, I’ve had some really, really low points and wanted to end it more than a few times…but, I have also experienced happiness and good times. Those times have given me hope for the next day, just to see what might happen. I’m not sure if this makes any sense, but I hope you get it.
I just want you to know that you’re in my thoughts and I’m here for you. You are NOT alone.
Thank you @Mystrose and @Rick for your responces and support. I am appretiate them and the love that is behind them. I cant say I am feeling better though. Its getting worse. Nothing helps.
I have been talking with my therapist about how I feel. About my suicidal thoughts. About the fact that my exams stress me out. The last time we spoke was a week ago. I am going to go see her next Monday.
I’m so sorry that anhedonia is giving you such a hard time. I hate this. I hate that you struggle with this shit. It’s awful to feel nothing when we just crave for life so effing much. I feel like this has been and is a huge part of your personal experience of depression. This numbness and loss of drive for anything. Is that specific matter (anhedonia) something discussed with the person who prescribes you your medications?
Hi Micro. Thank you for checking in on me . We have discussed my anhedonia to a certain extent. Not terribly deep but we did give it at least one full session. There just wasn’t much said about what I can do about it. It is another topic to return to but there is a lot of them and while my therapist listens and tries to help I just don’t think it’s working.
I hope it’s okay to share some thoughts about this. I can’t help feeling that this might be something to discuss specifically with a doctor as well (unless your therapist is a psychiatrist?). In my humble experience the combination between long-term anhedonia and medications is pretty complex. I know you’ve already tried out different medications though… and that is so exhausting in itself. I just wonder to which extent this specific struggle has been focused on when trying to find a good medication for you, you know? Since it can be directly increased or reduced by meds themselves depending on the chemicals used.
I also don’t know how things are pertaining to new or more “parallel” (yet legal) type of therapeutic help are available in your country, but I wonder if that wouldn’t be worth questioning and exploring with the help of a doctor. Thinking about CBD for example and to which extent this could be a possibility for you or not - which def needs to be discussed with a doctor of course. Just thinking about potentially a larger range of options there.
On a different note, are you available today for a walk? If you’d like to, I’d personally love for us to decide a time, go out for a walk - no matter how long, and allow ourselves to connect a bit with the world outside. Even though you may not feel the world around you, it’s important to not delve too much into ruminations that are focused on anhedonia itself. I know it’s hard because it’s like seeing a giant elephant in a very small room and it is SO freaking exhausting. But maybe we could just try to extend the walls around today, even just a little bit?
I am currently on my way to another exam . In a way it is a form of a walk I suppose. I have been thinking about new meds and potential change in my medication but, I know it will be a huge blow for me so it needs to happen when the time is right. When it comes to alternative therapy types I would have to look but I doubt that it is something that would be covered by insurance here. We are quite conservative when it comes to medicine and things of that sort. Thanks for the suggestion though. I hope you have a nice day Micro
I’ll respond more later on, but in the meantime: you got this, @Ashwell. If the weather is okay or okay-ish, maybe plan a bit of a detour or spending some time in some place you like when coming back? Reward yourself. Get some ice-cream or a good coffee somewhere, or anything that could a good excuse to wind out and treat yourself. You deserve it so much. <3
If you see anything beautiful or nice during your walk there or later, I’d love to see a picture of it!
Again, all invitations, no obligation at all. Ever. I care about you so very much.
Thank you Micro. It’s behind me. This one was for a different school and it was better. I am currently on my way back to Prague. I am tired. Tired of everything. Of trying. Two more exams and no assurance of success. Should I even succeed when I don’t see the point in living. Every day the thought of death crosses my mind. Hope is the worst part. It the voice that whispers maybe this time will be different before something stabs you when you are vulnerable.
I’m still and always proud of you, @Ashwell. It’s probably really hard right now to see the fruit of your efforts and how worth it it is. I can tell that, from where I am, I see how magnificent and powerful what you do is, and how much you embody those qualities.
It is true that there is no assurance of success, which is why it’s important to not focus too much on the outcomes, but more on the process itself. I know it’s hard though. There’s a real despite to know and that is completely fair. Somehow, it reflects the paradox of depression itself. We know what is good to us, but doing it doesn’t seem to bring any joy, comfort or reward. So we wonder what’s the point and naturally want to crawl in. Why putting any effort into something if we don’t see or actually feel if it is effective or not?
If you see it in a different way, it’s like strengthening a muscle. If you lift weights regularly, you’re not going to see the effects immediately. Actually, it’s going to take a significant amount of time before actually seeing with your own eyes your appearance changing, feeling like it’s less difficult to lift certain things, etc. Before the results start to appear though, there is this difficult time of committing to doing something without actually benefiting from its result. We do it and we keep doing it only because we know rationally and scientifically that what we do in the present has an effect even if we don’t see it, that it is part of a larger process.
I promise you that your efforts are not wasted or in vain. Any action that you take to help yourself, could it be progressing on life projects or daily self-care, is a real and practical victory over your dark thoughts, doubts, fears, over the numbness itself. You actively bring life to yourself. You paint a more colorful picture than the grey-ish one that depression keeps putting in front of your eyes. There is a lot of life and beauty in you, even if you may not feel it right now.
I hope you can get some rest today and enjoy a bit of something, even if it’s not much and even if it’s not for a long time.
Hi Micro. Thank you again for your support. I appreciate it every day . I have another exam behind me. There was a lot of stress but I did it. I really didnt want to go there but I did. Now I have it behind me and thats good. One more to go. On a different note I go to gym sometimes and I get the muscle analogy. I just dont like it. Tbh I dont really find working out worth it. I do it because my friend wants to go there with me and it keeps me somewhat healthy but I have never really found the ammount of effort that one must put into it to see results worth it.
It’s really admirable that you’re standing strong despite the awful things you’re dealing with right now, Ashwell. One more to go. I hope that with its passing you’ll feel a huge sense of relief. I believe in you!
One thing about the gym metaphor that I like is that, at least for me, it’s not about the physical results. Anyone can technically lift weights but hardly anyone does so regularly because it’s just a really difficult thing to maintain. So when I do my workouts I get to tell myself that not only am I a big strong boi, but I’m also capable of doing really difficult things. I get to take that little thought with me elsewhere too. I think that’s really relevant now, because today you also get to tell yourself that you’re capable of doing really difficult things – even when the deck is stacked heavily against you. Nobody can take that away. I don’t know, it’s just another little tool to remind yourself how worthy you are.
Good luck with the last exam! Or maybe you might’ve already done it, or maybe you’ve sat this one out, but no matter what I’m super proud of you. Sending love!
I am so tired. Just so tired. Too much stuff is happening. All the exams, HS stuff, got onto a wrong foot with a friend, I am so tired. I am sorry if I had ever failed you. I try. I try to be a good friend, I try to be a good version of me, I try to push forward. I try, I am just tired.
You have never failed us, dear friend. What you are doing right now is being vulnerable, reaching out, trying to hang in there while feeling so very exhausted. You have the entire right to be tired and to say it. There is no need to apologize and there is no disappointment. Our belief in you has not shaken a bit, and it won’t. Please make sure to give yourself a break as soon as possible. If you need to lay in bed one of these days, it is ok. Get something to eat, play or read from there, get yourself comfy and give your body the rest it needs.
You are a good friend, and to so many. It is okay if you are not emotionally available to people at the moment. It is okay if you ever have to let people know and set some boundaries. Focus on you as much as possible because you really deserve it right now. The world will keep turning and you always have a part to play in it. There are times when we slow down, and that is okay.
Hi Micro. Thank you again so much for the support you have given me. Today is the first day where I feel kind of better. Like I know that I have done what i could and we just wait. I am still nervous of couse but it is better. I dont know if it is going to be like this for long but for now, it is better.
I know this wasn’t directed at me but your comment filled me with warmth. I’m so glad, Ashwell. If you don’t mind me asking, how are you after a couple more days?
If you’d rather not talk more that’s okay too, just consider this a show of some love. I hope you’re feeling well.
Hi Rick. I appreciate your support a lot friend. Thank you for checking up on me . To be honest I am doing better. I am still tired after a week full of exams and i have to get ready for round 2 thats gonna be in 10 days, but I am doing good right now (which is honestly kind of scary in a way, I am not used to feeling ok ). I got to the second round of exams to all schools except for psycholgy in Prague which was the one I was hoping to get to, which was dissapointing, however there is a plan that my parents and my brother have come up with. They said I could study sociology in Prague and also a private psychology school here together. It is gonna cost money but they said that they love me and they know that I want to do this and the would support me. I was happy when i hear this but i also felt guity because I would cost my parents more money. However the school would give me a title that is internationaly applicable which is amazing. It is gonna be hard to study 2 schools at once but I am more the ready to do so. I am excited but also feel bad for costing my parents but also so thankful for the opportunity. Yeah I have a lot of feelings in me now.
Thank you so much for your kind support Rick. I hope you are doing good and if not we are here to support you
This is a really wonderful update! How great to hear! I hope that feeling okay isn’t too uncomfortable and that you’ll be able to relax into it a little over time. You sure have earned it.
It is a shame that you didn’t get your first choice, but this:
They said I could study sociology in Prague and also a private psychology school here together.
Sounds like the most exciting thing in the world! The qualification being internationally applicable is just icing on the cake. I’m sure your family wouldn’t offer this if the financial burden would be over-encumbering. At the end of the day money holds no value compared to what you’ll be able to learn and experience in your time there. This seems like a good trade to me. It’s wonderful to hear that you have such strong support.
Studying at two schools sounds like a lot! There will be stress, but also many opportunities to learn how to cope with it in positive ways. I’m excited for you, and of course we’ll be here to help you through it all.
For now I think it’s important to show yourself extra love. You’ve got more than a week ahead of you before round two and I hope you’ll dedicate a lot of that time to rest and recuperation! Again, you’ve worked hard and definitely deserve it.
Ah. Such a good update. Thank you for keeping me posted! Let us know how you go over the next couple of weeks.
. We have discussed my anhedonia to a certain extent. Not terribly deep but we did give it at least one full session. There just wasn’t much said about what I can do about it. It is another topic to return to but there is a lot of them and while my therapist listens and tries to help I just don’t think it’s working.
If you’d like to, I’d personally love for us to decide a time, go out for a walk - no matter how long, and allow ourselves to connect a bit with the world outside. Even though you may not feel the world around you, it’s important to not delve too much into ruminations that are focused on anhedonia itself. I know it’s hard because it’s like seeing a giant elephant in a very small room and it is SO freaking exhausting. But maybe we could just try to extend the walls around today, even just a little bit? 
. In a way it is a form of a walk I suppose. I have been thinking about new meds and potential change in my medication but, I know it will be a huge blow for me so it needs to happen when the time is right. When it comes to alternative therapy types I would have to look but I doubt that it is something that would be covered by insurance here. We are quite conservative when it comes to medicine and things of that sort. Thanks for the suggestion though. I hope you have a nice day Micro 
You’ve got more than a week ahead of you before round two and I hope you’ll dedicate a lot of that time to rest and recuperation! Again, you’ve worked hard and definitely deserve it.