Hopelessness

Hi. I want to rant about my life but I have no one I can confide in.

Intro/childhood:
I am 30 and I’ve been depressed for my entire life. As a child I was abused by both my parents (I was hit, beaten and scared), I was also bullied all throughout school for being the weird quiet kid until I left education at age 17. I had no friends and was always by myself.

I have 1 brother and 3 sisters and none of them are willing to discuss our childhood as it’s been swept under the carpet so to speak. I never communicate with them and they feel like complete strangers to me. They don’t understand me at all so I gave up with them.

My ex and son:
Then in adult life I thought things were getting better when I got a girlfriend who became my fiancé and fell pregnant. She then told me that throughout our entire relationship she was sleeping on and off with my best friend, someone I considered a brother. I was betrayed on so many levels and I blamed myself for not seeing any signs. I ended up getting a DNA test and he is my son (he is now 8). To this day I have no contact with her and I don’t know where she lives (she moved purposefully, changed her phone numbers and blocked me on everything).

Since telling the truth she’s done nothing but try to hurt me to the point that I stopped trying to get in contact with her about my son. I want to but I can’t be civil with her. She’s a master manipulator, all she does is lie and it’s impossible to deal with her. I feel my mental health couldn’t deal with having her in my life in any way (even if I could locate her).

Now:
My parents, being badly bullied and how my ex treated me. I really struggle to see the good in people and I have less than 10 contacts, only 2 people check on me on a daily basis. I don’t have any friends I talk to or meet up with and I’m socially awkward. I care so much about people and I have high empathy towards others.

I just… I’ve thought about killing myself so many times in my life but I have no idea why I keep going… Oddly the darker feelings hit me the most when I’m on annual leave holiday from work. Honestly if I didn’t work I feel I’d go insane. When I’m at work I’m a different person as I detach from my personal life and I work in IT.

When I’m alone I just play video games, watch Netflix and stare into space. Nothing makes me excited and barely anything brings enjoyment. I feel like a shell of a human and I really don’t see a way out of this. I can’t even cry anymore. How do I have no happy memories in 30 years of life?

I just don’t know what to do and no matter how hard I try to let others in or be a good person nothing works out for me… What do I do…

If you read all this thank you and thank you for letting me rant.

6 Likes

Hey friend, I am not exactly what I can say to help but wow. I am so sorry for all you have been through in life. You are so brave for facing all of that negativity and bad. I am proud of you that you are still here. Life can feel very unfair, repetitive and overwhelming. Sometimes when you feel stuck or numb it can be nice to try new things. Like get a new hobby or try a new skill. Also practice gratitude by writing down good things from your day. Even if things feel bland you can learn to see the sun. I hope things get better for you. Sending love<3

3 Likes

Hey Friend,

The Houston HeartSupport Team replied to your post. Here is the link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1iq3Dt6rqtUXHvTKfnqOpe7wKoDiVWxWS/view?usp=drivesdk

Hold Fast

MorganVinHoch

3 Likes

I wrote this post yesterday when I was drunk and in a downward spiral and I really didn’t think anyone would read/respond to it. Thank you for the response. Being acknowledged in such a personal way brought a tear to my eye. The two of you were so caring and wholesome and based on how you carry yourselves I can tell the Heart Foundation really care about the people within the community.

I’ll do my best to take your advice as well as to be a part of this community. Maybe writing to you guys wasn’t such as bad decision. Thank you.

5 Likes

Hey, a little late but I read this and just wanted to say:
Life can be a huge struggle, after all it’s life, but remember you’re here, remember your worth, remember you exist too, you’re just as important as everyone here and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. People can be horrible and do horrible things, that’s why there’s only a few people in life that are actually worth your time. Maybe one day if you get into contact with your son, you can show him this, and maybe he’ll understand. I know how frustrating manipulation is, but I’m sure one day he will want to know about his dad, and will reach out. So don’t worry. Keep patient and enjoy your moments in life. I hope you’re feeling better today, and continue posting.
-Xaii

3 Likes

Dear @Social_Username,

Whether you were drunk or not, thank you really for allowing yourself to share your heart just as it is. Not only this could give you opportunities to create good and healing connections with others, but it’s also an inspiring mark of bravery for people like me, who’ll relate a lot to what you’ve shared. As scary as it is, when we’ve lost our faith and hopes in humanity, healing can be found in relationships themselves. Better, healthier, peaceful ones. And I hope with all my heart that you’ll receive even just a flavour of it around here, enough to encourage you to keep pushing through. What you’ve been through is made of deep traumas, losses and grief. But I promise you, there is more to experience than this. Life is not just all about surviving, even when it’s almost only what we’ve known for most of our life.

As mentioned above, I could have written myself so many parts of your post. It’s heartbreaking and saddening that awful and traumatic experiences are shared by too many. But it’s also incredibly beautiful to allow ourselves to connect with one another because and despite of our pain. I feel for you, so much. Growing up in a place where your parents were abusive. Not being safe at school either. Having bad encouters as a young adult and regretting many decisions that, with time, didn’t really feel like real choices. Being mostly alone, having a difficult time to connect with others… and feeling like losing faith in human beings. Feeling like you have to be constantly working and running away from yourself, otherwise your free time is only made of activities that make you feel like “zoning out”. Overall, trying not to feel, not to slow down, because you know there’s a deep pain right there that would bring you down the moment you’ll acknowledge it. It’s incredibly hard to feel like being on edge all the time. To feel like having no choice but existing between whether at full speed mode, or being totally numb. That’s how I’ve been functioning for most of my life as well, and it’s noly been a couple of months that I’ve been understanding more and more how much this is the product of traumas, and just a way to survive during some very painful times.

I don’t have much words of wisdom. I could write a very long response, and I honestly have a lot to say. But tonight at least I wanted to simply reach out to you, even days after your posted, to let you know that you are not alone in your struggles. Your pain is valid and ackwnoeldged right here. You’ve been so brave for pushing through on your own and for so long, even if it probably didn’t feel like it most of the time. I see you. I hear you. I feel your pain. And I’m sitting right there next to you.

You are not alone. Your traumas and your losses have a deep impact on you, but they don’t have to condition the rest of your life or define you. Growing and building resilience - not avoidance nor deafeat - is possible my friend. And you have an army of allies right here in this community ready to support you.

Please feel free to join the rest of the community on Twitch and Discord as well. These are good places and times to connect with others and reduce a sense of loneliness that is inherent to our struggles.

This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.