I’m in the hospital. NYE took it out of me and I got sick. As much as I wanted this (not to have over the top treatments ect)… I’m scared. I feel like I can’t be because then everyone would say “this is what you wanted”. But I am. I’m scared of dying alone and I’m scared that one day I’ll just disappear and nobody will care or remember me, which shouldn’t matter. Because once I’m gone I’m gone. Maybe it’s because I wish I could have a bigger impact and help people more, or maybe it’s because I feel so distant from everyone because it’s hard to get close.
It’s getting harder and harder to recover from getting sick. I guess once I stop coming around then my life on earth is done. Thanks for listening to me.
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First of all, I will be praying for you to get better. Secondly, you’re so thoughtful and caring to even think that. Usually when people are sick, they think about other selfish things they wish they could do, but you’re just thinking of others. I think that’s really admirable. Just from this post, I could tell that you have impacted a lot more people than you think. This post is already humbling and impacting me. I don’t know you, but you seem like such an amazing soul and person who has a lot of empathy for others. I think as humans, we always have questions like that. “Will anyone miss or care for me when I’m gone?” I already have an answer for your question. Of course they will! You are important and you are precious. Please don’t ever forget that. I hope you get well soon! Praying for you and keep us updated!
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Hey @cohen,
Then you so much for the update. I read your other post and I hope you had a good NYE with your friends. Though I’m really sorry you’ve been sick since then. How is it going at the hospital? Do you feel supported by the medical staff there?
It’s okay to be scared, friend. You are not guilty for having those thoughts or asking yourself so many questions. Being in the hospital is a circumstance that pushes us to look at our life as a whole sometimes. I was really sick last year and I couldn’t help but having similar thoughts as yours right now. I was afraid of having regrets and I was listing the opportunities I missed in my life. But there is more than this, regardless of how someone’s health is. You are not out of life, even if it feels like there’s a veil between you and this world most of the time. You are alive, you’re existing, your heart is full of love and your mind is holding important memories. Your inner life is a treasure to cherish, even if it’s difficult to see what is rather than what isn’t when we feel very vulnerable.
It’s really human to think about those things, friend. And it’s also really important to have places where you can share them. I’m really glad this community can be this anchor to you. You are not alone. We’re in this with you, even if virtually. Distance doesn’t erase the love and care we have for you here.
I’m rooting for you. 
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@Grace thank you for your extremely nice words. I’m really close to my little sister and I know she would probably have the hardest time. I also worry about her a lot, but I think her friends are good, maybe… it would be weird to hang out with a bunch of 14 year old girls haha. She seems happy though, and she is someone who is very good at making people feel loved, so I’m very thankful for her.
@Micro they’re always really kind here. It’s nice seeing some familiar faces since my family can’t be here a lot. I’m just finding it hard to breathe a bit and get the pressure off my chest.
And thank you also for the encouragement, it helps a lot.
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Hey @cohen,
How things are going on your end since your last post?
Also I’m really glad that the medical staff is nice there. It’s good to be surrounded by familiar faces when we’re going through a rough time. I hope your body gives you a break today. Just to get some rest if you need it. Thinking of you, friend. <3
Hey, finding it a little hard to fight this one off, but I’m hoping to be home soon. I’ve been very tired so I can’t wait to rest in my own bed. It’s the best feeling.
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Hey friend, I hope you’ll be home soon as well!! It’s a good perspective to keep in mind.
I have no doubt that you’re doing your best to fight. It know it can feel sometimes like it’s a lot of things you can’t control, but I’m proud of you. Until you get back home, I hope you can get as much rest as you need. Every fighter also needs some rest from time to time.
If you have access to Internet, and just in case, a huge part of the community is regularly on Twitch during weekdays (twitch.tv/heartsupport - there’s a schedule here: https://heartsupport.simvoly.com/) - It’s a good place for connection, and there’s always a huge amount of love for everyone there. A safe place if sometimes you feel alone.
Still thinking of you. <3
Do you need some pud?
Thank you @Micro I’ll keep trying and that’s all I can do.
I haven’t used twitch before but I’ll check it out. Could be good for the nights I can’t sleep.
@Galaxsea did you mean to post that here and not message? I’ll just get a slither of pud thanks.
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Ey i meant to message when I replied but it’s okay. Bit more than that… also hope you’re feeling better. Message me any time.
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Thanks galaxsea. You’ve been really sweet. I appreciate it a lot. Thanks for making me laugh
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I’m very sorry you feel that way my friend I pray and hope your health improve and you find purpose everyone has a purpose big or small.
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Thank you @ranma1983 that’s really nice. Honestly I just want to make sure my family is happy.
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