I’ve been pretty much isolated in my room for the past… seven months? And don’t really talk to anyone, so I’m back here by my psychiatrist’s recommendation to join a forum. I have crushing social anxiety so skjdfhh sorry if I sound dumb.
I was sent to an (acute) psychiatric polyclinic after way too many years of sub-par treatment and got my official diagnoses. Now I see a psychiatrist every two weeks, mostly for my depression (which is the worst it’s ever been so that’s fun). I’ve been put on SIX total months of sick leave which feels insane. I’ve even been suggested ECT treatment already…
The main focus has been in trying to get me to do small changes in my everyday life and it feels pretty much impossible. Even if it IS possible, it still doesn’t feel like it matters. I think it’s because my excuse for everything is ”I’m going to die/kill myself soon anyway, so doing anything is a waste of time”. There’s no way I can just randomly blurt that out during a session even though I know I should tell my psychiatrist. I just feel guilty because she keeps asking if I want to change. I’m afraid that if I just say ”no” they’ll throw me out because they can’t treat me. Maybe I do want to change, but I can’t see myself going through all that effort because it’ll all just be for nothing.
I feel like I should sound more… emotional or something but I barely feel anything so. Yeah.
This is mostly a vent I guess, but I suppose I’m also asking for any tips on how to say… that… to my psychiatrist, and just any ideas for how I could possibly try to even attempt to get better.
I feel like I could go on for ages but I don’t want to waste too much of your time hah. This is already too long.
Thank you for reaching out and sharing this here. Being vulnerable and talking about the struggles we face and the hurt we carry is never easy. So it took a lot of strength and courage to be here!!
Know that depression makes it hard to see a point to anything and even if we do want to change we can almost second guess ourselves and ask “Do I really?” “Do I even have what it takes to even start to change?” Change is scary, lets be honest. It certainly isn’t easy either and it can take time. However it most definitely is possible. When it comes to depression and starting to work towards change, growth and healing I think it is important to remember that the lies depression likes to feed us are just that. They are lies. Depression likes to make us believe that we are weak. That we will never get better. It likes to get us to feel comfortable in the pain to the point where we may think we don’t deserve change. But in reality, none of that is true. I also think it is crucial to keep working with your psychiatrist as well because they can help give some helpful insight and tools for when you are feeling stuck. I know for me, depression can cause me to kind of get lost in my own head and it makes it hard for me to see possible solutions or even see past my own sadness. So it is helpful to have that non biased outsiders view to help us when we need it.
You mentioned viewing things as not being worth it because you’re going to kill yourself soon anyway but feeling like you can’t randomly say that in session. I do think it is important to be as honest and open as you can with your psychiatrist. They are very well trained and suicidal ideation is something that is important to voice to them. That way, they can explore that further with you and give you some helpful resources for when you are feeling that way. Maybe when she asks you if you want to change that could be a way for you to bring up the suicidal ideations you’ve been experiencing. Even just saying you feel you do want to change, but you feel there isn’t a point because you feel like you will kill yourself soon anyway. I don’t think there is any need to sugar coat what you are feeling with her. Plus expressing thoughts of suicide to her is not a bad thing. She is a professional and will have really helpful input and resources for you. Its an important part of being able to further your journey of growth and healing.
Regarding how to attempt to get better, I would say taking that first step in telling your psychiatrist how you are truly feeling and what you are carrying regarding suicidal ideation would be a huge and important first step in working towards healing and change. Doing that can be scary but you have an entire community here in your corner. We believe in you and your strength. I would also encourage you to maybe prioritize what it is you want to work on and change and maybe that is something you can brainstorm with your psychiatrist as well. Change can be pretty ambiguous and overwhelming, so prioritizing what we want to work on first can make the process seem much more manageable.
Most importantly, I would encourage you to give yourself grace. Change is not going to happen over night and it is not something I believe is linear. There will be great days and there will be really hard days and that is ok! What matters is that you keep getting back up. Even when you feel like you have fallen you can always always get back up.
Thanks for your reply, Hannah. I honestly wasn’t expecting such a thorough and thought out response and it does mean a lot (:
I don’t know how how long it’ll take for me to make concrete changes to my life, but maybe it’ll be good to start now by trying to be more open with my psychiatrist. I’ll try to remember that for my next appointment.