Hey, it’s been a while since the last time I posted here but I think I need to do it again.
This depression/anxiety thing has improved, I don’t feel low all the time, the thing is that it comes back, completely out of nowhere, and makes me lose some hope knowing that no matter how hard I try, it will always be there and I can’t change it.
I’ve had good days where I feel just fine, they’re the opposite to bad days, in good days I don’t have those suicide thoughts, I do feel anxious but it is not a huge problem. In bad days, I can’t stop picturing myself hung and with my wrists bleeding, my hands shake and sweat all the time and I feel scared but I don’t really know why. Good days are what keep the smallest hope alive.
Anyway, this post is not only about that, I wanted some advice.
I met a girl, I like her, she likes me. Nothing could go wrong, right?
Well, the thing is that I don’t know how to open and express myself so she can know how I feel, she’s talked to me about her past, she has gone through some bad shit too. It feels good to know she can trust in me, but also I feel horrible knowing that I’m not always in the best condition to support her.
Like, everything has a counterpart, here some examples:
-She is always on my mind, sometimes she means the world to me, and other times I can’t feel a thing for anyone.
-She says she wants something different from all her past and says I’m that different thing but she seems unhappy with this “new lifestyle”.
I bury myself too deep in my thoughts that I can’t always be in a good mood for her and I’m constantly reminding myself that I ain’t good enough for her yet she’s still by my side and I don’t understand why hahaha
It was during good days that I started feeling something for her and it is something new, something completely different from all the darkness I’ve been for the past two years, that’s why I’m not giving up.
How can I stop complicating everything? How can I stop going from “she means the world” to “Why can’t I feel anything?”
Wish I could understand my own mind, you’ve helped me before, I hope you can do it now.