How do I cope with this

My mom married my step dad when I was one and a half, they married within 2 weeks of meeting each other since they were on a time constraint and my dad would be leaving soon to work again in L.A, so they quickly married and moved off taking me with them. Little did my mom know he was an alcoholic and had no control when he drank. Fast forward a few years and I have a little brother and we moved back to the central valley after a year in L.A. At this point I am forming memories that I’ll be able to remember when I’m older. My dad has severe anger issues, a very, very short fuse. There are great memories but ontop of that there is a lot of screaming and yelling and arguing, I don’t remember much of that, I just know that it was mainly at my mom, sometimes I did something wrong and he would just explode and start yelling and my mom would yell at him to not yell at me cause I was only a kid and then he would yell at her. That’s pretty much all I remember of that. What I do remember most is when my dad would occasionally come home super drunk. (I didn’t understand he was drunk until I got older) but it would start out as my mom being irritated for some reason at my dad and they would argue, nothing unusual, but it would escalate, my dad would progressively get more and more agitated and angry and so would my mom, and eventually it go to the point where they were both screaming at each other and my dad was breaking things around the house, slamming doors, my mom would follow him into the next room, I would see my dad hitting and pinning my mom, sometimes choking her, my mom trying to protect herself yelling at him to stop and get off her. It would happen sometimes in the hallway in my room, in my brothers room, in the front room, in their room. Eventually he either left after breaking stuff or we packed up some clothes and went to our grandma’s or family friends house and this continued at least once every year or every other year when he was drunk. He would still slam and break things when he got angry though. But when I was about 13, it was the 30th of July, he got really drunk at my great grand parents house where we do fireworks, and he gets mad because he embarrasses himself and we force him to get into the car cause we were leaving, and we were all absolutely pissed because 2 years before he had promised he would stop drinking, we get home and my parents are arguing, and I comment can you guys not do this it’s the fourth of July, and he gets up out of bed and darts over to me getting in my face and im pressed against a wall and hes yelling at me and my mom tries to pull him off and thays when it starts the abuse, his black out rage it’s full on he’s screaming he’s going to kill my mom, I don’t want to go into detail of that night completely but until this night he’s never other than punishment like spanking and grabbing me and grabbing my face or arm has never hit me, but I’m trying to get him off my mom and he hits me to the floor, and I break down crying on the floor, after that we eventually get him outside, the neighbors are outside asking if everything’s alright seeing if they need to call the police, my mom calls are family friends to calm my dad down, he leaves for the night. The next morning he comes, promises he’s never going to drink again and apparently everything is fine. I’m just 18 now, about to graduate, things are still bad at home with my mom and dad and me but it’s manageable enough. My mom texts me as I’m waiting to be picked up that my dad is in the hospital out of town (jis job requires him to work in and out of town and go to nearby towns) and that his boss called her and they don’t know what’s wrong with him so he took him to the hospital and hes been acting weird all morning. My mom picks me up drops me and my brother off at home. She gets gas and makes the drive towns over which is like an hour or two if not more, and when she gets there she asks him what happened, my dad says, he didn’t know and all of a sudden he didn’t know where or who he wad and stuff, and then the doctor comes in and says yeah, a 2.0 blood alcohol level will do that to you. And my mom is furious and goes off on him, with his boss in the room. Then my mom apologized to his boss for him and walks out of the room, my dad then rips out his I.V and leaves like an idiot. The boss hugs my mom and yeah. The boss didn’t actually fire my dad, he’s on disability right now, my dad is in an out-patient rehab and they said they would consider giving him his job back since he’s such a hard worker and stuff. But yeah, that’s what’s happened so far in my life, not including all of it. But all of this started me into self harm, I don’t actually self harm anymore but I did really bad before. I have PTSD now, dissociation disorder, very bad anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder, along with substance abuse and who knows what else I’ve developed from growing up with that, I only recently started going to a GOOD therapist. I also grew up with constant verbal abuse from both parents and still deal with it, my brother also verbally abuses me.

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Hey there,

Thank you so much for sharing this here. I am sorry that you went through any of that. I can’t imagine what that must have been like. I am glad to hear that you no longer self harm and that you are seeing a therapist that has been helpful!! That is really wonderful! I would encourage you to continue going to therapy so that you are able to work through the trauma you experienced and find coping mechanisms that can help you with your PTSD as well as your anxiety, depression and eating disorder. Growing up in an environment like that could not have been easy to say the least, but the fact that you are seeking help and support says so much about how strong you are as a person. Know that you are more than what has been done to you and that you have many people here in this community who love you and believe in you! I am thinking of you and I believe in you. Take things one day at a time and know that you are very much loved!

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes

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Thank you so much, its been a lot but I’m still here and I’m still going strong, I’m only 18 and I still have a whole world of opportunities for me to explore, thank you again!!

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@Koda

You are strong. Despite of the trials you been through. Keep fighting. Thank you for sharing.

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