So K and I have been pretty close for well over a year now. (For anyone who doesn’t know who K is she’s someone I met online and wish to actually meet one day. Everyone that knows the two of us assumes we’re in a relationship but we agree now isn’t the time.) Things have been great, for the most part. There’s just one thing that’s been bothering me. K would do pretty much anything to make me happy, regardless of what it does to her. I try to use that influence to help her as much as I can but there are times I can’t talk her out of it. Her reasoning for doing so much is often that how she feels doesn’t matter and I’m the only one that matters (which I disagree with. I think I’ve gotten through to her recently but I’m not sure.) She’ll often stay up later than she should just to be with me, just for my sake. One time she was about to drop literally everything (,I mean everything. Hobbies, effort in school, everything,) because I was having a rough time, but I talked her out of that one. She often says that whenever she does something she has me in mind, which is far too much to dedicate to me. I understand that I give her treatment she doesn’t really get anywhere else, but she still deserves her own life. Are there any tips to help me either use that influence I have over her to help her as much as possible or to lessen the effect I have on her a bit? Any suggestions are welcome and appreciated.
Hi @MA10. To be honest, I don’t think there is any clear cut way to make her see she should be taking better care of herself. When you learn and/or believe that others come first or are more important, it’s hard to change that way of thinking. You also can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do, especially if they’re afraid of the outcome for some reason.The only way I know she could change this, besides outright wanting to change putting others first, is if she sees a counselor who will give her the tools needed to see that she is worth taking better care of herself. Will help her change her way of thinking, and teach her to recognize when she should be doing the necessary self care things she needs to do for herself. There may be other things, but I’m just not aware of them.
Other than that, just keep doing what you’re doing: Tell her it upsets you that she doesn’t take better care of herself. If you haven’t already, maybe tell her that it upsets you that she spends so much time on you rather than spending some of it on herself. Tell her there’s something you want her to do if you think it’s something that will be beneficial to her. Other than that, I’m not sure what to tell you. It’s nice that you’re concerned about her, and I’m glad you’re coming here try to find a way to help. But also, it’s not fair to you, for her to be putting you in this position. It’s not healthy for you for her to be doing that all of the time. There has to be a middle ground that you can reach with her, you just have to keep searching for it.
I hate to say it, but sometimes the only way to help someone is to put some “distance” between yourself and the other person. So, while I realize that you aren’t actually near each other in location, you might need to pull back for a bit. Unfortunately, relationships can get lost when that happens. You will know if that’s what you need to do in the future. You’ll get this feeling in your bones that tells you it’s time for some distance. But for now, until that happens, just keep trying to get her to see that she needs to worry about herself a little, too.
Sorry I couldn’t help you more.
Thanks for your response @Daisy, hearing that I’m doing something right helps a lot. I was feeling discouraged at the time and reassurance was exactly what I needed. She is seeing a counselor currently, which seems to be working quite well so far. After hearing about the progress she was making I was quite happy and told her such. She seemed to really enjoy how happy she made me. I’m taking that as a start of her acknowledging that her taking care of herself is what I want. She’s also been having an easier time leaving me to go sleep over the past couple days. I’m going to be hoping all goes well and doing all I can to get that to happen.
@MA10 I’m glad to see she’s already getting help. And she’s hopefully starting to understand that her well being is important. I hope things go up from here for the both of you.