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How do I handle emotion?


#1

So. As most of you know this week has been super rough for me after a really intense therapy session. I’ve been attending therapy along side my 12 step programme for around 2 months now and this was by far the hardest session to date.

I’ve spent my whole life refusing to allow myself to cry about things or feel anything at all, and on the occasions I did, I would harm afterwards because I felt so much worse than I did before… The way I did that was through cutting or getting high before the need to break down was too much. Being constantly high for around 7 years meant I’ve never really learnt what is “normal” in terms of emotions or how to cope with them.
Me and my therapist came to realisation that the whole reason behind it was linked right back to an incident that occurred when I was 8 years old. I walked in to see my mother being strangled by my father and of course - I was terrrifed. I remember crying with fear when I saw it and after my mum took myself and my sisters out the house. Because of this, I’ve always linked crying to fear, and get the feeling of dread all over again whenever I feel tearful… On top of this, I was raised by my parents to believe that crying is weak and pathetic, and when I was caught, I would be told I was being silly and that I needed to grow up.
This of course lead to me feeling shame and embarrassment afterwards, which, of course, ultimately was worse than what I was feeling before…
Ever since this realisation I’ve been experiencing feelings that I’ve never dealt with… That I don’t understand and I don’t like. I can’t use on them. I can’t harm on them. I don’t know how to handle them or even begin to explain some of them. I need advice guys. I’ve spent my whole life running from my emotions and now that it’s time to face them, my head is telling me to run all over again.
I’ve been praying on them everyday, which helps in keeping me from getting high. but, I need a way to express them and to be able to understand them.

ANY help would be appreciated. I love you all.

Kayla


#2

Honestly, Escaping from the past is tough, Even I never have escaped from my Family’s Abuse, Violence, Police Involvement, The times where my parents wanted to die, as well as my brothers and sisters, any other friends I had, I felt my emotions just always boiling up, my head just screaming, so honestly I understand the suffering, I’m here for you friend, even If I don’t understand entirely, Never give up, if the emotions need to be let out, let your feelings out, keep your words you, No matter what let yourself be YOU. Because no one can stop that, I mean no one, I’m a Emotional Freak, no joke there, I’ve never had control over my Emotions, So let them out let yourself be free to say what you want its what I got told as a Kid, honestly I understand it, I was told never to cry, because it shows that I’m a weak Man, that I’m never brave, but your strong, if you need to cry, do so, if you need to let your tears run, do so, don’t ever stop, don’t ever let them break you down, don’t ever give up friend, because I am your friend, I mean that, I bloody do, Stand strong, fight for you, fight for your life, its not theirs to take, its yours to create, change, make whatever you want to do, so let yourself show, because if they want to stop you, break through, keep moving forward.

Stay Strong, Stay YOU. - J


#3

Hey Kayla,

i am sorry this past week as been so difficult, but it sounds like you’ve also been able to work through and talk about some past traumas that has helped explain why you have a hard time feeling and expressing certain emotions. Working through that is really hard to do and takes a lot of strength, so that really is wonderful that you’ve been staying strong and fighting this! I can see how you would have an aversion to crying after associating it with fear and being raised to think crying equals weakness. I would encourage you to continue praying and also to let yourself feel the emotions. I know how hard that is, but we have our emotions for a reason and we support you in having and feeling all of your emotions. They are valid and it is ok to recognize them, without judgment and know that they are there but you do not have to stay in them. We love you very much Kayla! You got this!

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes


#4

Feeling the emotion without cutting is just impossible for me.


#5

Kayla that’s a lie you are believing it’s not impossible. You need to believe in yourself and believe that you can become better. You don’t need to rely on cutting to cope. You have an entire community here to support you. You have the discord, the streams, here. Plus I know you have a dm group with quite a few people in discord. You are stronger than what you’re giving yourself credit for. Keep fighting and don’t give in.


#6

You don’t know that, because I don’t have a large group chat.


#7

You are believing a lie that you can’t get through this! When the truth is you can. You have people who love and care about you that are here for you to walk along side you. I know that, as well as you do. When you are struggling, reach out. Reach out to those people. Reach out to your sponsor/therapist/someone from hs you trust, instead of choosing to relapse.

It’s easy to make excuses on why you need to relapse, as in I can’t handle this emotion that I’m feeling. And the reason why like you said is the last eight years you’ve used pills in order to cope, and now that you’re not you’re facing that emotion raw and it sucks. But you need to not replace coping with drugs with coping with self harm. That’s not healthy. You can do it, believe in yourself, and reach out. Find people irl whether it be friends, coworkers, sponsors, etc that can help keep you accountable as well. Building those irl relationships are important and needed and a healthy step in the right direction.


#8

Reaching out IS WHAT IM DOING RIGHT HERE


#9

I’m sorry that you’re upset and hurting right now. I will be praying for you, and praying for healing but please don’t yell at me (as all caps insinuates you’re yelling). I am just here to give you support and try to help you through what you are going through. Keep your head up. Continue to reach out. And things will work out in time. Also remember to pray always. You can do all things through Him who gives you strength, by saying you can’t you’re doubting the power of God, and He can do great work in you if you believe in Him and trust Him. Keep fighting and never give up


#10

sounds like you need a creative outlet. some form of art that is about expression, music, drawing, poetry, ect. ect. not only will it open roads in life for you , but it will also give you the outlet to express yourself in a healthy and constructive manner. I encourage you to go for it and nott care about “how good you will be at it” that will come in time right now its about expressing whats inside.


#12

I can understand how you might feel that way since that’s what has always provided temporary relief and a sense of coping when you’ve had to deal with emotion. However, coming to the conclusion with your therapist about why it’s hard to cope shows me that you’ll also be able to find ways to feel emotion without turning to self-harm. It’s hard to break a habit that’s been so ingrained, so it will take time. But it is possible.