So. As most of you know this week has been super rough for me after a really intense therapy session. I’ve been attending therapy along side my 12 step programme for around 2 months now and this was by far the hardest session to date.
I’ve spent my whole life refusing to allow myself to cry about things or feel anything at all, and on the occasions I did, I would harm afterwards because I felt so much worse than I did before… The way I did that was through cutting or getting high before the need to break down was too much. Being constantly high for around 7 years meant I’ve never really learnt what is “normal” in terms of emotions or how to cope with them.
Me and my therapist came to realisation that the whole reason behind it was linked right back to an incident that occurred when I was 8 years old. I walked in to see my mother being strangled by my father and of course - I was terrrifed. I remember crying with fear when I saw it and after my mum took myself and my sisters out the house. Because of this, I’ve always linked crying to fear, and get the feeling of dread all over again whenever I feel tearful… On top of this, I was raised by my parents to believe that crying is weak and pathetic, and when I was caught, I would be told I was being silly and that I needed to grow up.
This of course lead to me feeling shame and embarrassment afterwards, which, of course, ultimately was worse than what I was feeling before…
Ever since this realisation I’ve been experiencing feelings that I’ve never dealt with… That I don’t understand and I don’t like. I can’t use on them. I can’t harm on them. I don’t know how to handle them or even begin to explain some of them. I need advice guys. I’ve spent my whole life running from my emotions and now that it’s time to face them, my head is telling me to run all over again.
I’ve been praying on them everyday, which helps in keeping me from getting high. but, I need a way to express them and to be able to understand them.
ANY help would be appreciated. I love you all.