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Hi @puddingtoes,
Thank you for opening up and being here.
Honey, it’s really really hard, but this is not a healthy way of living. Your struggles are beyond the way you look or what you eat. You’re getting to the point of crying because of eating and this is serious. You didn’t do anything wrong and I promise there’s nothing wrong with you. But this situation can’t keep going on like this. You are dealing with body dismorphia. It means you don’t see your body as it is. It’s really tricky. But you’re looking for something you won’t reach by starving yourself or anything like this. It’s not about your body, your weight or the way you look. It’s deeper than that.
Food is not your enemy. It’s what helps your body to function properly. Without this, you couldn’t do the things you like, reading what you want, listening to your favorite musics, talking to your friends. You’re struggling, you’re in pain and you’re so much more than your own body.
Since you mentioned “Ana”, I can only assume that you visited some pretty dark websites. Trust me, I know about it. And it makes me mad to think that this kind of thing still exists. So I can tell you there’s a bunch of lies there, whether it’s written or images. It’s made by people who are sick and think anorexia is a way of life while it’s not. They are in denial. Because anorexia is a road to death. It’s an eating disorder. And you don’t deserve this. Sorry if this isn’t pleasant to read.
You’re not asking for excuses for not eating. You’re asking for help. So let’s be honest: “Ana” is a myth, a lie, a construction made by some people. And it’s lasting for years. So I know it certainly means a lot for you right now. It makes sense in your life. But as you’re here I allow myself to ask you to get rid of this and all of these lies. You’re struggling right now and you need help. You know that. Because if it was okay you wouldn’t want hide this to your mom.
I don’t know for how long you’ve been in this situation. But I struggled with eating disorders for too many years and I really don’t want you to go through the same. It started when I was a teenager as I was sliding into anorexia. And the message you just posted, I could have wrote the same exactly 10 years ago. I was always looking for solutions to skip meals. Always had the best excuses for not eating at all. Always looking for every possible tip to burn more calories. I lost weight to the point of not being able to walk or sit without it being painful. You don’t want to get there. This is a never-ending trap. Over years I ended to struggle with bulimia, binge eatings then. I was just going back and forth to all of these at the same time. I wasn’t able to wake up without thinking about how ugly and fat I was. Wasn’t able to spend one day without counting calories and feeling guilty for just existing. I never felt more isolated than during these years. There were consequences on my body and my health I still carry on with me. And all of these didn’t happen because I was weak or not strong enough. It happens because that’s how eating disorders work.
So I know it seems simple. Not eating + Feeling in control = A better life. Well, that’s not true. Whatever your problems are. It only adds more hardships to face, more worries everyday. And it put your health in danger.
It’s not about consistency at all. It’s not about the goals you certainly have in mind. Because it will never be enough. And thinking that starving yourself will resolve everything is a lie. I know how it feels when you think you’re in control and you just crave for feeling better. And somehow it’s okay because you don’t have to be in control. The only thing you need right now is to reach out for help. Please talk to your mom. Maybe she won’t really understand, but she needs to know so she can help you. The earlier you reach out, the easier it will be to get better.
You’re not stuck in this. But you’re not in control either right now. Feeling better is not about eating less but, first of all, having a peaceful relationship with food and then work on the problems you mentioned. But it won’t be possible to do so without you. You can do this.
I’m really sorry because I know that’s not what you want to hear. But deep inside you know this situation is wrong and you don’t deserve this. You are not alone and I promise there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I care about you.
Sending much love your way. 
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I really appreciate your input, but I don’t understand how I’ll ever have a normal body if I continue to eat. I’m so, so ugly and it seems like there’s no other way to fix it.
@puddingtoes
Hey friend, you are loved.
This is not healthy, and will not help you change the way you view your body.
This is not the solution.
Please get help.
I’d love for you to check out this interview with Garret Russell from the band Silent Planet.
Hold Fast.
-Danjo
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Hey love. First of all, thank you for opening up to us.
I will be honest with you, I cant help you hide this from your mother, as I really feel like you shouldn’t either. All the words you’ve said here are lies told by your illness. You’re not ugly, and an eating disorder will not make things better. Food is not poison. I’m sorry you feel that way and that your relationship with food is so complicated.
I’ve experienced similar thoughts and feelings. I have read pages and pages of pro-ana content. I’ve felt the same disgust towards the food I ate and towards myself whenever I did. I’ve skipped meals - and I had my mother step in, too. She’s probably wht kept me from actually developing an eating disorder.
I still struggle with these thoughts occasionally. I till skip meals when I feel like I deserve to starve. I still get a certain satisfaction of the feeling of being hungry. But this is not the way to go. Illness will not fix anything, and if you let it go too far, you wont be able to control it.
My advice - admit to your mum just how much you’re struggling with this. Tell her how you feel and how you see food. Let her help. She loves you, we love you, we want to see you get happy and healthy, but in a way that actually works.
Hold fast. x
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I used to sleep. It was my escape, from abuse, depression, the ugliness I saw in myself and the hate the world was showing me. It probably would have killed me. I was passing out cause my body would sleep when I went into a panic, which I still struggle with. It wasn’t good for me, It was addictive and manipulating. It’s not a savior that you may see it as. It’s a veil that covers the road of healing and truth. You will die if you let this take over you. You are not ugly, you are beautiful.
You are a Diamond, you’re just still uncut, unpolished, not cleaned. It takes time, effort and patience to reach a state where you are a “flawless” diamond. But here is a trick, even polished and clean you won’t be flawless. But you are still beautiful, someone will see YOU as beautiful, for the flaws and cracks and for your shine. Anorexia will not be that. It will be you, the people you surround yourself with and the love you are given.
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Thanks for sharing with us, @puddingtoes. I personally don’t have any experience with anorexia but from reading some of the replies already on your thread there is some good advice and a lot of love for you. I hope you get the help you need because the way you are living right now is not healthy. Food is healthy, it helps you to function in day to day life. Food fuels your body to run properly so you can keep living and existing. You need food and water to live, that’s just how it is. I am scared for you if you keep going down this path. You are loved, you are cared for 
I know it might be hard to understand but your mother really cares about you and wants to help you. What @Sarita says at the end of their reply is perfect, “she loves you, we love you, we want to see you get happy and healthy, but in a way that actually works”. Hold fast, friend 
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Thank you for sharing, it sounds like your mother really cares about you, she’s not trying to poison you just to do her job and protect her child.
My road to a better body was eating plant based and working out and I’m still on it it will take years, there is no shortcut even thou I want to just stop eating sometimes.
You are loved, you deserve to be loved just the way you are.
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@puddingtoes - I am so sorry you are struggling with this, and I know it can be especially hard during holidays and times family gets together. Your mom is trying her best to keep you alive, the way your brain has turned against it’s natural desire to nourish your body. It is not okay to create a situation like that against your will, and without treatment by a professional, this type of forceful feeding can be really damaging, I am really sorry you are feeling this way.
However, your need for this is a need to feel good about yourself, and I know how hard it is when you feel like its all you can do, all you can control, to reach a place where you love yourself and accept yourself…but I will tell you from personal experience… it never gets there. Not without loving support from a professional. Fasting and meal portioning can be very healthy, but un-monitored and obsessive is scary, sweetpea. You deserve to do this the right, and healthy way. We love you here, and we want to support you, and its really important to explore how you can still nourish the body you WANT to love, but also achieve your health goals. Clubs, support groups, gym groups, online communities like this… you CAN do it, while feeding yourself what your body needs to be healthy when you get to a place where you can love yourself.
I have been dealing with disordered eating for over 6 years. It started with dieting for health and weight loss, and evolved into disordered eating when people started treating me better when I was thinner. It got so bad that I passed out onto the concert stage twice and ended up in the hospital 2 separate times as well. I will never not struggle with this, and my self esteem is permanently damaged and I do not see my self worth without my weight being involved. I still feel disgusting, and all of the things I put my body through were truly FOR NOTHING. My life is not better, in fact I struggle with health issues STILL stemming from forcing my body to do things that are unhealthy. If I could go back, I would be kinder to my body, and do more research about a healthier way to achieve my goals. Would I have still skipped meals? Probably. But I would have changed my view on food and learned to decide I need it for fuel, and treat it with respect instead of disdain.
I really truly hope you experience a happy medium to achieve your goals while still maintaining an attitude toward food, meals, and eating that feeds your body what it needs. So when you cross the finish line to your happiness with yourself, you learn that you loved yourself enough the whole time to choose nourishment and make it a part of your goals for happiness. I want you to be proud when you come out the other side. <3 you deserve it.
Hold fast <3
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Hey @puddingtoes we covered your topic on the HeartSupport Twitch stream today. Here’s the live video response.
Hold Fast
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@puddingtoes
I know sometimes you don’t see it or feel it, but you are truly beautiful, amazing, and meant to be here. You are worthy of love and most of all, you are deserving of healthy food to keep you strong and healthy on your journey through life. Please forgive yourself and give yourself permission to live your best life. I know you are worth it. Ana is not a helpful friend. She actually will hurt you far worse in the end. Trust yourself, Love yourself. You are spectacular.
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Puddingtoes, YOU are NOT ugly! I know you’re a beautiful person on the outside AND inside! And Puddingtoes should be changed to lovelyheart. <3
Beth
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I think you are beautiful inside and out, even though you can’t see your outward beauty right now. maybe it will help to focus on loving your character and personality first, then it will help you love yourself on the outside too
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