I’ve been struggling with addictive behavior for many years. It involves substance abuse (no hard drugs) and harmful behaviors. I am aware of why it came into my life and that I currently use it as a coping mechanism for basically everything. It’s also become kind of a habit.
I think that I am not aware of what I am doing to myself and how harmful that is for my physical and mental health. I think I am in denial that I am addicted.
When I try not to engage in these behaviors, the urge builds up. I can only delay this from happening until the next day and then it’s even more extreme. It’s not like I decide on one day that I won’t engage in those behaviors, but I have to make this decision every single minute. It’s torturing me so much that I am really scared to feel that way. So I usually plan ahead and execute that plan mostly every day.
I keep thinking it doesn’t matter. I am not even sure whether I’m aware that there is a problem of this extent. I think that I could just stop if I was disciplined enough and if I wanted to.
I don’t know how to overcome this. I don’t know how to become aware that there is a problem, how to motivate myself to stop engaging in those behaviors, and how to hold myself accountable. I don’t even manage to make the decision that I want to overcome this. Why? For how many more years do I have to go down this path?