Thank you so much for reaching out here. If there is something that is strongly conveyed through your post, it is that you are not in denial regarding your addiction. You name it, you face it, you acknowledge it - this is an essential step in your recovery, the very first one, and you can be proud of yourself for it. There might have been times in your life when coming to the point of saying “I have an addiction” was not as obvious as it is now.
It is understandable though that you feel like not completely admitting your struggles. First off, maybe because there is a need to think about your next step? Making decisions that would involve you more directly into a process of recovery. Another reason might be simply because when we are addicted to something, we are subjected to the roller-coaster of emotions it creates. One day, one hour, one moment we are feeling a certain way. Then a trigger, an event, a habit comes in the way and we find ourselves battling with an urge to use. It’s like having two voices in your mind fighting constantly - both feeling very real and like they each hold the truth whenever they are there. I’ve personally experienced that at my own scale through more than a decade of eating disorders. Now recovered - although it is a fragility that remains -, I can’t count the amount of times I have felt divided in two, between urges that I knew were going to harm me in the long run but a relief at the moment, and a deep knowledge/intuition of what would be actually healthy and healing.
Feeling divided and conflicted as you do right now is a tough experience, but it’s also a good sign. There is a something within you that manifests a need to change what is not serving you anymore. You know rationally and with your guts what healing means, but it also seems out of reach for now - which is okay. Recovery is like this intimidating mountain that feels Very often discouraging and depressing. But there’s actually a lot of very small steps to take in order to walk around it.
You have mentioned a 12-steps program/community type of support in one of your posts, and I would like to really encourage you in this way. Your intuition is at play there, your survival instincts too. It is very positive that this thought comes from you, and it’s not there by mistake either. I think you know what would help, but it is also scary, and you are definitely not to blame for eventually feeling that.
Rest assured that, no matter what your next step is, this community will be here for you. We will support you and encourage you as much as we can. Addictions are strong and recovery might be a long road ahead. But it is worth it. Because YOU are worth the efforts it would take to live a peaceful life. One in which you would cope in ways that remain healthy for you, and wouldn’t feel trapped by something that doesn’t deserve to control you. I believe in you. We all do.