How do I overcome addictive behavior and hold myself accountable?

Thank you so much for your kind words, Micro. It means a lot. I had already decided to plan for a relapse on Friday when I came to the forum and read your post. Although I had already felt the relief that came with the decision, I went to the 12 steps website and looked up the next meeting, which I attended, as well as all three heart support streams of the day. I was recommended another recovery community in chat of one of these streams and attended their meetings yesterday and today. It’s possible to just listen without the camera on. I’ll continue to attend those meetings.

I don’t manage to cope neither with the urges nor the emotional pain. Simply existing already hurts so much. My mindset got darker again, suicidal thoughts are coming back. I relapsed today. I didn’t have the energy for any resistance at all. I’m so exhausted and tired. I don’t know what I can do to improve my situation. The pain won’t go away. I don’t know how to overcome this. I’m waiting for the next day to come to find at least some relief in the addiction, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. That’s not a life worth living.

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Hey @blini,

How are you holding up these days?

You are in my thoughts. I care about you, friend. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you for your kind words, Micro. I really appreciate it.

I’m hurting, overwhelmed by negative emotions that keep coming up. It’s been back to the addictive behaviors every day. I don’t even manage to just delay it to the next day. The minute I’m done with my “routine” the urges come back again. My body is hurting from the self-destruction. Self-hatred is on the rise. I’m exhausted and tired from the emotional and physical pain. I’m desperately longing for a break, but that’s not going to happen. I feel like I’m drowning and the air to breathe is long gone.

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I’m so sorry that you are in the eye of the storm right now. It is really a hard position to be in. I hope you manage to get some rest when you need. Both physically and emotionally, even if it’s just for a few minutes.

I remember when I was at my lowest point with ED, every day, every minute was about food, my body and weight. It was exhausting to feel like I wasn’t able to focus on something else, to dedicate my time to simply… live.

You truly deserve to have a break. To put a branch in the wheel so it stops turning just a little bit. Just enough to catch your breath and experience that peace is possible, even when you are struggling.

I don’t want to share advice when it’s not solicited, but I would really like to support you in making steps further in your recovery, if you’re okay with it. So far how has it been with the 12 steps meetings? Do you feel like it could be beneficial to you, and did you have the possibility to connect directly with someone there? It may or may not be for you or your current situation - and both possibilities are okay. Afterwards, it would just mean that we need to figure out what are your options, and what you would be willing to try. In all cases it will push you out of your comfort zone in some way. But there are times like now when we know that jumping into unknown waters is the right thing to know, because the patterns we’re in are not functioning.

Two thoughts:

Do you think the objective of an entire day without using/being sober could be too much for now? It’s kind of natural to think in terms of days and weeks when it comes to implementing a change in our life. But if it has to start really small, then it’s okay because it’s all the small steps that are going to build a stronger foundation. Depending on where you’re at right now, if delaying your urge by one hour for example is already a big thing, then let’s try to focus on that first, and let’s call it a success when you get there. The next time, it could be possible to try a half hour or even an hour more, and so on. It might feel like it’s not a big thing at first, but the more you set an intention and healthy expectations, the more you will create a virtuous cycle. Another step, at some point, could be to consider your options regarding the substance/thing that is the source of your addiction, and how you could learn to make it less present at your home, or less accessible.

On a different note, I’ve been thinking if you would be interested in joining an Action Group on our Discord server. It is definitely not a replacement for therapy or classic support groups, but it can absolutely be a place for accountability, as you’ve asked in the title of your topic here. If you are alone in your battle right now, if you need help figuring out the next steps, if you need encouragement in order to actually take those steps, an Action Group could be a wonderful asset for you. You can get more info here: HeartSupport Action Groups & Support Wall Action Teams - But basically, these groups meet once a week to discuss personal goals and how to achieve them. + ongoing conversations and support throughout the week, on a dedicated and private channel.

I would love for you to surround yourself of as much support and tools as you need. Recovering from an addiction is a tough battle. Having allies who would be closer to you might be necessary from now on.

I 100% believe in you. Without any pressure though. Only a big amount of love. :hrtlegolove:

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I’ve been to SMART recovery online meetings mostly every evening for the last two weeks, though I haven’t shared anything or participated in the discussion. There are 60-90 people every evening, and for most the addiction is substance abuse, so I don’t feel comfortable sharing.
I’ve been to a 12 steps meeting as well, but didn’t get along with the format.

After the 8 days that I lasted in January, it’s been much worse again and I couldn’t delay it anymore at all. This week, I managed to abstain two days (Thursday & today). Tonight has been bad with urges. In the online meetings, they say that the urges last 20 mins, but that’s not true for me. They last longer than that and come up again and again, and put me in pretty bad places emotionally.

Usually, I decide to engage in behaviors either already the previous day or when urges come up during the day and then I try to get through it as early as possible because I spend hours with that and in the past, I’ve been “busy” large parts of the night, so I try to avoid that.

I think that’s the biggest problem. I can’t have anyone close. That’s always been problematic, but absolutely impossible since past trauma. Sharing about my struggles eventually lead to a series of traumatic events. Never will I give anyone else the opportunity to intentionally harm or destroy me to such an extent ever again. I will neither put my name, voice, or face to that topic, and I won’t enable anyone to be in a position to judge or even have any thoughts about that. That’s also why I don’t want to disclose more details on my behaviors.
In one of the online meetings someone put “The opposite of addiction is connection.” in the chat box. I don’t know if I have a shot in overcoming this at all. Social isolation isn’t really helping with that. It’s so hopeless.

Thank you so much for being there. It means a lot. :hrtlegolove:

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Try to reach out to a good friend or relative or a mental health professional they can better guide you without judgement