I’m so sorry that you are in the eye of the storm right now. It is really a hard position to be in. I hope you manage to get some rest when you need. Both physically and emotionally, even if it’s just for a few minutes.
I remember when I was at my lowest point with ED, every day, every minute was about food, my body and weight. It was exhausting to feel like I wasn’t able to focus on something else, to dedicate my time to simply… live.
You truly deserve to have a break. To put a branch in the wheel so it stops turning just a little bit. Just enough to catch your breath and experience that peace is possible, even when you are struggling.
I don’t want to share advice when it’s not solicited, but I would really like to support you in making steps further in your recovery, if you’re okay with it. So far how has it been with the 12 steps meetings? Do you feel like it could be beneficial to you, and did you have the possibility to connect directly with someone there? It may or may not be for you or your current situation - and both possibilities are okay. Afterwards, it would just mean that we need to figure out what are your options, and what you would be willing to try. In all cases it will push you out of your comfort zone in some way. But there are times like now when we know that jumping into unknown waters is the right thing to know, because the patterns we’re in are not functioning.
Two thoughts:
Do you think the objective of an entire day without using/being sober could be too much for now? It’s kind of natural to think in terms of days and weeks when it comes to implementing a change in our life. But if it has to start really small, then it’s okay because it’s all the small steps that are going to build a stronger foundation. Depending on where you’re at right now, if delaying your urge by one hour for example is already a big thing, then let’s try to focus on that first, and let’s call it a success when you get there. The next time, it could be possible to try a half hour or even an hour more, and so on. It might feel like it’s not a big thing at first, but the more you set an intention and healthy expectations, the more you will create a virtuous cycle. Another step, at some point, could be to consider your options regarding the substance/thing that is the source of your addiction, and how you could learn to make it less present at your home, or less accessible.
On a different note, I’ve been thinking if you would be interested in joining an Action Group on our Discord server. It is definitely not a replacement for therapy or classic support groups, but it can absolutely be a place for accountability, as you’ve asked in the title of your topic here. If you are alone in your battle right now, if you need help figuring out the next steps, if you need encouragement in order to actually take those steps, an Action Group could be a wonderful asset for you. You can get more info here: HeartSupport Action Groups & Support Wall Action Teams - But basically, these groups meet once a week to discuss personal goals and how to achieve them. + ongoing conversations and support throughout the week, on a dedicated and private channel.
I would love for you to surround yourself of as much support and tools as you need. Recovering from an addiction is a tough battle. Having allies who would be closer to you might be necessary from now on.
I 100% believe in you. Without any pressure though. Only a big amount of love.