***tw: mention of SH, possible ED/bad eating
It’s a habit, it’s ingrained in me and I don’t know how to stop it. It was kind of hard for me to write this, ahah. But, I think I’m at a healthy weight for my height and age.
I’ve never really talked about my eating since I never thought it was that concerning. I’m not diagnosed with anything (I also don’t have a therapist, ahah…). I don’t want to label it as something serious, so I’ll just call it “bad eating habits.”
I never thought it was concerning, I never thought it was wrong. I don’t remember how or when it started, but it’s been 2-3 years I believe. I don’t eat much, only 2 meals a day. I’ve been counting my calories again and making sure it doesn’t go above 500 at the max per meal. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with numbers.
It’s overwhelming my life. My legs feel weak coming up and down the stairs, sometimes I get lightheaded, I’m always cold, and I have lost a lot of weight. I torment myself with my belt to see how many notches I can go before it’s too tight.
I don’t know how to stop or if I even should. It’s not like cutting where I can lock my tools up. Ah, I don’t know what to do anymore.
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Hey wren
If you are consuming 500 calories a day. You are consuming 1/4 of the amount of food a person should be consuming according to most sources for health information on food consumption. Click Here to read about it. If you have unhealthy habits ingrained in you, breaking them is not easy. I read a book that helped me figure it out. Atomic Habits Book Link. This book not only teaches about building habits slowly, but also how to break them. I listened to the audiobook, the author reads it himself so the tone is nice.
As far as any diagnosed health concerns go. You have to be honest with health professionals(after finding the right one), and get a good, honest, outside of self professional opinion. Someone who’s job and passion is to help people figure that out. Sometimes it might be uncomfortable because those people can’t do their job without being honest, and hearing the truth doesn’t always feel great. If it isn’t what we want to hear.
It can take a long time to start to try to control the things inside of ourselves that are so out of control. Especially if they have been out of control for long periods of time. With no guidance to help stop the progression of the deeper and deeper loss of control. Gaining back control can become a longer and more painful process.
Therapy, Self Love, Self Understanding, Self Growth, Authenticity over Ego, and all this stuff is work. It can be a painful process letting go of old ways and grasping on to new ones. Even if the new ones are so much better. Admitting there are flaws that we want to ignore in our selves. A health professional can be the Adjudicator between you and your emotions/habits. Which is especially useful for the parts of our personalities that we are not able to see the perspective of yet. It takes honesty on both sides, and open-ness enough to be able to take criticism/feedback about personality flaws. We may, or may not have. Professionals aren’t going to get it right, right away, every time, on every thing. Have to be open and take the time to endure the process. Hope you find some solutions to help you feel better. <3
Ahh I meant per meal. I edited that now so it could be more clear. I know that I do need to eat more but I can’t bring myself to. It feels immoral or as if I’d be gorging myself. I know all this but I can’t bring myself to stop, I don’t know why.
Thank you for the resources, though. I’ll look into them and maybe they’ll help.
I think once I find a therapist I’ll heal and won’t feel the need to starve myself? I’m honestly not sure. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel content with my body since I want to destroy it. It’s overwhelming and I have a tendency to “forget” things by shoving them down so I don’t have to confront anything. I know it’s starting to catch up with me because my physical health has been getting poor. I’m on multiple waiting lists for therapists. I can’t do anything regarding therapy besides wait since they’re so backed up. It’s frustrating and disappointing
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Do you feel full, and do you have energy? Maybe you are eating more then you think? Definitely not good to eat too much either. But the amount of nutrition people need is different from person to person.
I think that they help show you the work that needs to be done. It doesn’t mean that it won’t still be work to make progress towards fixing the bad habits you want to fix, and replacing them with healthier ones. I think they will have the information and resources to help you figure things out. If you are open minded and willing to work towards healthy goals. No ingrained habit is going to vanish over night, but with time things can definitely improve when we know what direction to go in to try to improve them.
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I usually feel full but I always lack energy. There’s many factors that go towards energy such as my crappy sleep schedule. I’m not hungry often but that might be because I don’t eat much so that affects my stomach size.
I have issues with knowing what I need to fix but not wanting to fix them. Maybe I’m not ready, I’m not sure. But me not being ready doesn’t make it valid to not try and fix my issues. Therapy can help, but it’s not like I’ll be forced to consume a certain amount every single day.
I think it’s getting better? I haven’t been so overwhelmed with my weight recently. My concern with it fluctuates, but I still don’t eat even if I’m feeling “fine.” I figure that I’m young and my body will process things faster. Ah it’s only after the fact that I can bring myself to look at the logic.
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