Back to heartsupport

How do you take everything out of your inside?

Hi back, wonderful people. I’ve been here reading and supporting from the shadows
because hopefully i’m strong enough to at least write a supporting text, but I am not able, not yet.

I seems to be calm but the desire to scream very loudly suddenly appears and I don’t know what to do with them. I turn up the volume on extreme metal but I still feel everyone can hear me, because my voice is very low but my scream is very loud, and I don’t want them to hear it, I don’t want to bother and worry as usual.
That f* childhood full of abuse and mistreatment is still there every time even though so many years have passed, and even having overcome a lot. It’s very hard the way I feel everything. My brother got the worst of it in principle, he does have a diagnosed schizophrenia, we do what we can, my mother tries… although all life in a bad way, so now it’s more difficult to overcome.
Sorry I wanted to say something but my mind wanders a lot.

I would like to know about how the rest of you vent, it doesn’t work for me to write, or walk,
I get more nervous, but I can’t run because my painfully knees , I wish I could flee to the mountain to scream until I am hoarse, I hope I learn to make gutturals because I’m sure it downloads a lot, I don’t know what to do when this happens to me, nothing works for me. I hate crying so much because of the stress on top I get cold sores, and that makes me more nervous, it’s counterproductive.
But if I try to stay calm is worse, because in the end everything contained explodes. I know
that I should not keep anything to myself, but it is so difficult for people to understand you, that only
it’s more frustrating and worse.

Well I think I’ll leave it here, the thing is that, how do you manage to vent even a little to help in the moment of growing anxiety?. I feel this and thanks for reading. You all still the best community, thanks for existing.

4 Likes

Hey @DarthKy,

I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt as a child and find yourself overwhelmed with the memories, emotions and feelings from the past. I had a traumatic childhood as well, filled with mental and physical abuse, and it breaks my heart knowing that you have experienced that kind of thing too. No child should ever be hurt.

I have felt many times as you do. Actually, lately I’ve thought more about my past than usual, and ended up with the conclusion that I might experience some kind of emotional flashback again. It’s awful because it is this intense yet foggy energy that grows within you, something powerful that catches your breath away and makes you want to take your own heart out of your chest. Not being able to run either or to be physically active because of health issues, the options to vent and just get this energy off my chest are limited. I wish you didn’t experience yourself any of this.

I feel for you. So much. I feel for the child that you were and is still hurting. Your brother and you never asked for any pain that has been inflicted on you, and I hope you know, as the years have passed, that none of what happened would ever be your fault. Some people learn a messed up way to distinguish what is good or bad, what hurts or not, sometimes to the point of expressing their emotions at the expanse of others. It is unfair when we are subjected to that at a time when we are still developping ourselves emotionally and learning to apprehend the world around us.

The loud music is definitely something that helps, but more often in order to numb ourselves thanks to the rapid beats and energy conveyed in it. I don’t know for you, but I have learned to cry silently yet energetically starting at a young age, as being heard at the time could have been a threat. Weirdly enough, screaming and crying on a pillow can be very cathartic, yet remains unnoticed to others if you don’t want them to hear. Punching on it surely helps too - but if you do so, make sure to put the pillow on your bed or a sofa, so you don’t hurt yourself.

I also want you to know that crying is not a bad thing, even if it feels like it makes you more nervous. When you need to cry, it is a signal that your body conveys. It is actually a biological way to release the pressure. We generally end up tired afterwards because of the energy it required from us - and that is okay. Once the storm has passed, once some peace is settled a bit, it is time to take care of ourselves as gently as possible. If your body feels cold, if you are shaking, make sure to gently put a warm blanket on you. And why not even drink some warm and comforting drink, like some hot chocolate? After the storm has passed of course. Once the energy has been released, whether it is through screaming, moving, punching something soft or even crying.

Somehow, the wounded child that you were is still within you, and needs to be nurtured more than ever during those times. Reparenting yourself can be helpful in the long run. When you are hurting like this, try to slow down, to breathe, and ask this inner child of yours what they’re afraid of, what are their needs, and try to act accordingly. For me, it generally ends up with curling up in a blanket, holding some stuffed animals, watching a movie or whatever seemingly soothing. Many times I’ve realized that these times of crisis were just a way for my heart to scream the injustice I was feeling deep inside, and how much I needed to feel safe and reassured at the moment. It seems misplaced as we are now adults, as years have passed and the abuse is not happening anymore. But the pain is still there, and why it is there, makes sense. The wound needs to be acknowledged, and our heart taken care of. The child that you were may not have received the care they needed before. You can give it to yourself right now. No need to force yourself to write, meditate, walk or do things you don’t want. Right now, you are allowed to just be.

I see you, @DarthKy. I hurt with you. You are safe right now. You will be okay.

:hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

Hi DarthKy
This is honestly a very good post that asks some really interesting questions. How do you deal and vent bottled up emotions and bad memories? Well its different for everyone. I am going to give you some possible methods (I hope I wount sound too much like the “have you tried yOgA” guy :upside_down_face:.) Excercise and physical activity seems to be very effective for a lot of people. Running, swimming or even taking a walk should be effective ways of getting this out of your system. If you are not into that well dont worry. Its not the only way.

The other thing could be writing things down in a journal or if you are of the more creative kind, try writing a poem or draw a picture, or a painting. Art can be a great way of release too. If you are looking for a way of calming down… there are some relaxing excercises that work and meditation but those take a bit of practise so sometimes just laying down and blasting music is the way to go :slightly_smiling_face:. (Btw @Micro How the hell do you write that fast seriously :wink:)

The last thing that comes to mind is… well doing what you suggested. Scream.There are a couple of ways of doing this so that you wount alert the whole neighborhood. The first one being creaming into a pillow. Justlet it all out. The other is going into a forest or some place remote if you want to hear your voice. Well here is what I have got. I am sorry you went through the abuse at such a young age. It must have been terrible and I am sorry it happened to you. I hope some of this stuff I have written will help you release those deep emotions.

2 Likes

How nice it is always to read you, @Micro, :pray:
When you understand and somatize certain things it is sad to know about people
who suffers so much too, although in this way you feel that you are less
alone, it hurts for you and for the other person. But you are very strong, I know.

Sometimes those flashbacks come without warning and leave you cold, there are times more sensitive to our brain chemistry, and our traumas.
Suffering certain things from such a young age breaks you completely
being, even feeling guilty yourself for what has happened to you, it’s heartbreaking. Because when you are already aware of certain facets
it is difficult for you to manage it, not let yourself be manipulated, or make yourself inferior, put everything before you, whatever it is…
(By the way, how well you express yourself, I love it ^^)

I remember a phrase from therapy that they made me think of;
"If you found a 6-year-old child in the same situation right now, would you tell her she could have done more? that she was weak and always will be?"
It totally broke my heart just thinking about it, and that helped me a lot
take pity on that inner child you say.

This is what happens, that child, that person, continues to form part of us, and the memories are there, you have to take care of it and treat the way the rest didn’t, let her finally feel comforted. Those injustices burn you inside but anxiety is just that which wants to come out, that’s why I was wondering about methods about it. It also calms me a lot extreme music because those frequencies free you and leave you calmer in the end, and because it’s something you like and doesn’t require energy, let’s say.
Some time ago I read a very good phrase, “be who you needed when you were little”, idefines it perfectly. It’s hard because when that child takes over your being … you feel without tools to face it.

It seems cute to think of you surrounded by stuffed animals feeling warm and hugged in your blanket, I also usually end up like this, I have a very big lack of giving love and never anyone to give it to, so my stuffed raccoon always get it all.

This is important, because what works and what doesn’t depends on many things. I get frustrated if one thing does not help me in a specific moment that usually does. but I’m trying. Perhaps when thinking about the typical thing that people advise, or what used to make you feel good, you can’t see that maybe it’s another thing that would work for you, something new or even different, it’s hard to think or know what you feel when you are in crisis.

I have digressed a bit again and I will have left things that I wanted to answer you, for sure. I suppose exhaustion itself of anxiety leaves you totally calm, tired…
But I will go to sleep with the warm words you offer, going outside helped me but because I could read your words along the way, it has been so far more comforting today, otherwise I think the crisis would have entered a maelstrom
much worse.

Let’s give ourselves the breaks we need, calm down that child who finally
may have, and let us nourish ourselves with that love that does exist in the world after all the bad.

:slight_smile: Lots of love @Micro, be happy and hopeful, you deserve it so much.

:black_heart:

2 Likes

Good evening @Ashwell, your answer has been a pleasure, really. You are right because what usually helps a lot is to do any type of exercise, not only “yoga” as only some people usually advise, yes :sweat_smile: , that is reducing everything to a standard, and each one of us is a world.
Like relaxation exercises, sometimes taking deep breaths it’s not effective or something like that. But even just stretching, move in any way, listen to your body… as long as you don’t have pain of everything, like sometimes for me. Sometimes I use the elliptical bike, but it give me so much desire to hit it harder or run away that not being able to do it I get frustrated, it’s all a loop. Or I play video games but I end up realizing that stress me more, because I never get angry and sometimes I do feel it.

When you feel that nothing works you end up just lying down, when you calm down, and with music, the truth is that helps the most but only, for me, when Im in the momento of depression, because with anxiety I try it but I get more nervous the more still I am. That’s why it’s hard for me to try about writing, but when you said it you reminded me that when I was little I used to do it, even
I made up stories, poems (very depressing, the other day I found one that I wrote that left me shocked). If i could just writing down my feelings in that moment of crisis I guess would get a lot off my chest, but it’s so hard. But, like everything, it helps to read it because sometimes just thinking we don’t decide to do anything. Maybe finally try drawing, it would be very good I think, thank you very much for that, ^^.

In the end what you tell me about screaming against a pillow seems the most viable, perhaps not be so bad, because the remote place to shout is more difficult for me, but can do that is one of the goals I have to achieve.

Thanks for all, :slight_smile: you have helped a lot too, I hope you are well, sure you are,
you are a lovely family here and there is so much support, I love it.

2 Likes

I am glad you have found at least something to be helpful :slightly_smiling_face:. You are right about certain hobbies and activities not being right for coping with emotions. For me watching a TV series or a movie, for you its videogames. What helps one person doesnt do it for another and what helps one person can actualy make it worse for another.

Honestly that made me curious about it :upside_down_face:. I write stories too sometimes. I used to write short stories or at least parts of them but now I prefere to write poems. They are easier to finish.

Thats a good idea. Colors have a unique way of expressing feelings and emotions. There are different techniques so try to find out which one suits you the best. :slightly_smiling_face:

I wish you a lovely and relaxing weekend. Bye for now.

1 Like