I might just end it soon, I can’t hold on much longer, nobody is understanding.
I honestly believe that I’m not this person everyone is painting me out to be, I want people to strive, I want the people that I love to do good. The problem is, when I love, I adore and I obsess, I worry and I care too much. I don’t want attention, I don’t even want people to say they’re sorry and neither do I want people to do things for me, I just want love and understanding.
But people are angered and scared or intimidated by things they don’t understand.
I’m so frightened that if I carry on living, I will turn into the monster people set me out to be, and the thoughts I have will continue to linger, and the hatred I have for every ounce of my being will turn me into a sour vessel of what I was maybe 2 years ago.
The people I want to talk to don’t want to talk to me, I really want to speak to someone about what constantly goes on on my head, but they don’t want to listen, because I’m dramatic and just stupid.
It would answer so many things that they don’t understand, I’m always tired because the thoughts in my head are so draining, I want to smile but I can’t (because my laugh is annoying sometimes) and I’m so depressed that even the slightest hint of happiness or the comedy of a joke is just overwhelmed by sudden sadness and anger.
My emotions are never liner.
I hurt myself because of punishment, I starve myself because of hatred.
I’m looking for a sign to stay a little longer, but in the world I’m in at the moment it’s really hard to find one. For me to live for myself as well.
Maybe there is a glimmer of hope once in a blue moon, but now it’s getting to the point where I TRUELY believe that every time I even put a single calorie in my mouth that it curses the day…
That’s proven to be true one too many times to be some kind of a “coincidence”.
I don’t know, I feel like I’m a burden, I don’t have a family anymore, I honestly envy families so much, the stability, the love and the care and the affection shared equally in the household. And now I can’t even write the word “mum” or “dad” without thinking something completely different: controller, hater, addiction, rage, no love.
I also feel like my partner doesn’t want to spend time with me, the only time I feel happy sometimes is when we go to bed. It’s always me, him and “…” it’s never just me and him. Call me selfish but, we haven’t gone out properly together in over a year and a half. I asked him for a walk, he took me to the shop down the road and back. He goes for a walk with his friends, they take hours to come home. They enjoy themselves, and I do to with him, but it’s always just 10 minutes.
I can’t do anything right either, I can’t even wash a dish properly, let alone draw, let alone find my work in art. I fucked my music career up from being a complete asshole, a wreck to everyone I meet; maybe it’s best if I don’t meet anyone anymore.
I feel like there is a massive weight on my back, on my feet, even on my chest. Maybe if I leave my body, the weight will be gone…
(Add on: I notice that when there is an argument I am always the one that becomes the one that’s blamed, the one that’s told to get out, the one that’s called names. Nobody listens to what I have to say, I can’t even speak to anyone. I have no friends anymore, no family, I just exist)
(Add on 2: I also feel like I’m bout allowed to be stressed, to be in pain or to feel sad, because I feel ridiculed by everyone around me as if they feel as if it’s a joke. I feel I have to do something drastic in order to show them how I feel. I just want to fix everything, stay with my boyfriend, make everything better. But I can’t escape, no matter how hard a workout at the gym and no matter how much I try to escape everything I feel invalid and horrible, unloved and not taken seriously. I want the people around me to listen because they’re the only people I can talk to.
What they don’t realise is that I am on my last legs. And I don’t know what to do, I’m so tired and I want rest. I love my boyfriend a lot, more than anything but I don’t know if it will work if everything continues, I’m exhausted and tired. I can’t and won’t leave because I know it will be worse.)
I want to say this isn’t 24/7 but I do feel it heavily. Some days are good but my bad days are BAD. Which could be due to BPD as I am currently awaiting diagnosis as well as therapy (DBT)