I seriously can’t take it anymore… It’s been more than a month of me being in constant pain because of this fever like disease, pretty much experimenting with my doctor on different treatments with some causing even more trouble. On top of that physical pain, the whole mental chaos and I barely pushed through where I’m not sitting down in literal tears because of how much my chest and breathing would start hurting and honestly, I was glad to at least have one day of… peace.
Obviously haven’t been to school for that month and I’m stressing myself out way too much about what is going to happen when I come back in terms of catching up and that’s something I’ve struggled for a long time, especially with the unreachable expectations set by my parents. And to top everything off, my brother comes back home and overhears the conversation (since I was talking with my dad about getting a doctor’s note for school) and yells out in his teasing little scratchy voice “Oh, so you’re finally going back to school after 3 months of simulating and lying about being ill?”
After everything, after all the pain I went through, he says that… I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to pretend like everything’s alright, like nothing’s wrong. I don’t want to break down crying every time something like this happens but I’m just that fragile. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to pushing through, of crying all the time… I want it to end. I know it will pass, as everything does eventually but… I just don’t feel like waiting for it anymore.
I don’t care that he’s “just a kid” and that I should “just ignore it”. That’s what my parents say whenever he insults me, says this, or anything like that. It’s always either “Oh stop being so sensitive.” or “JUST ignore it.” Easy for you to say… I didn’t respond to him in any way obviously, that would just make things worse then they already are, but it still hurts… a lot and it feels like I’m the one in the wrong, like I’m doing something wrong.
This same thing has been going on for the last couple of years. Whoever I try getting help from (“professionally”) doesn’t believe me or doubts my story because “There’s no way someone that young could be doing such things.” and it’s starting to infuriate me a little.