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How much longer?

I seriously can’t take it anymore… It’s been more than a month of me being in constant pain because of this fever like disease, pretty much experimenting with my doctor on different treatments with some causing even more trouble. On top of that physical pain, the whole mental chaos and I barely pushed through where I’m not sitting down in literal tears because of how much my chest and breathing would start hurting and honestly, I was glad to at least have one day of… peace.

Obviously haven’t been to school for that month and I’m stressing myself out way too much about what is going to happen when I come back in terms of catching up and that’s something I’ve struggled for a long time, especially with the unreachable expectations set by my parents. And to top everything off, my brother comes back home and overhears the conversation (since I was talking with my dad about getting a doctor’s note for school) and yells out in his teasing little scratchy voice “Oh, so you’re finally going back to school after 3 months of simulating and lying about being ill?”

After everything, after all the pain I went through, he says that… I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to pretend like everything’s alright, like nothing’s wrong. I don’t want to break down crying every time something like this happens but I’m just that fragile. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to pushing through, of crying all the time… I want it to end. I know it will pass, as everything does eventually but… I just don’t feel like waiting for it anymore.

I don’t care that he’s “just a kid” and that I should “just ignore it”. That’s what my parents say whenever he insults me, says this, or anything like that. It’s always either “Oh stop being so sensitive.” or “JUST ignore it.” Easy for you to say… I didn’t respond to him in any way obviously, that would just make things worse then they already are, but it still hurts… a lot and it feels like I’m the one in the wrong, like I’m doing something wrong.

This same thing has been going on for the last couple of years. Whoever I try getting help from (“professionally”) doesn’t believe me or doubts my story because “There’s no way someone that young could be doing such things.” and it’s starting to infuriate me a little.

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I’m sorry friend. That your sick and that home life is still extremely stressful. I can relate to the younger sibling issues. My little sister is 6 years younger than I am, but when I was a teenager, she was extremely smart in her ways of interacting. She was very good at being one way to the guardians and another to myself. She went out her way to get me in trouble. To lie. To get me yelled at. Same kind of behavior as you mentioned followed by the same type of responses from the adults “You’re the older one. So be the bigger person” etc. I grew up having a very hard relationship with my sister.

Later however, when she was an adult, she apologized about how she acted. She admitted that she knew, even in her young age what she was doing. And that her being young wasn’t an excuse. She told me she was aware what was right and what wasn’t and for whatever reason she at the time just always had the need to act the way she did. I appreciated her honesty. She was very hard to be around. Not many people in my life has admitted to how they treated me. So it was nice for her to explain what she was doing and apologize. You know, as adults we look back on our younger selves and the way we acted and we may not understand why on earth we acted that way. I don’t think she even knew why she did that. We had a lot of stress in our home.

I hope that one day you and your brother are able to rekindle a friendship. That he will outgrow the way he is towards you. That you will be able to forgive him. Right now he’s probably too young to fully grasp how his actions impact you, but that doesn’t mean its okay.

Its hard. Ive been there. I’m really sorry friend. I hope you get feeling better dude.

Love ya.

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