My apologies in advance for the random, incoherent string of thoughts.
I’ve got my .45 back in my pickup. Ironically my car broke down last time while I was trying to kill myself and it’s not working well again today. Hopefully it’s a sign. Since God won’t answer any of my prayers for help, perhaps he’ll answer my prayer for death.
I had to hide my suicide note I left for my kids, then it got thrown away. I just hope they can understand it’s not their fault.
They will certainly understand why I did it. They’re going to be cursed just like me. This world is a steaming pile of manure and we’re burning down further every day.
Hey, I’m so glad that you’ve come here for support. You have nothing to be sorry for and nothing to be ashamed about. You’re among people who understand right now. What you’re going through is real, it’s serious, and you deserve help for it. I’d just like to ask that you trust that we can get you out of this, and trust in the goodness in yourself too. You’re worth more than you think.
Reading your post, I’m scared for you. I think we could find ways to help you get out of the awful place you’ve found yourself in, but we can’t do that if we lose you too early. I want you to know that there is hope and that there are lots and lots of things we can try to help you out. The first might be sharing what’s going on, if that’s something you’re comfortable with. Nobody just wakes up in this state. Do you want to talk about what brought you to where you’re at? I’ll listen without judgment.
When we’re on the brink it’s vital that we get immediate care. Sometimes you won’t get that on here just due to time zones and all sorts of factors, so I’d like to direct you to this website I just found: Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! , so that you can speak to someone ASAP when you’re in dire need. I’m assuming you’re living in the States from your post, but if I’m wrong then let me know and I can find another link or phone number.
I can’t argue against the idea that there’s a lot of bad stuff going on in the world right now, but that’s only a fraction of the story. It’s just one way of framing the situation that we’re in as a species, and one way of looking at your life as an individual. I can say that there’s a hell of a lot of good out there too, but you know that already. It sounds to me like there’s a lot going on that’s preventing you from seeing or feeling the good. That’s serious and it’s horrible, but I really believe we can help you to fix it. If you’d like to talk about that too, I’d be happy to get into where you can start.
Stay with us friend. I’m sending love, I hope I’ll hear back from you.
Ricky
Sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers right away. Sometimes He doesn’t answer them because what we want isn’t always what we need. We need to trust that all things work together for the good of those who love God. I have faith that you can push through this for your family.
I agree with you: there are times when life really feels life a pile of shit that just keeps growing over and over. For some of us it becomes this giant, intimidating monster that we feel like having no control over. There are times when it just becomes too much, too heavy, too overwhelming. We feel the urge to run away from it and disappear quietly.
You are here today. Like you, I want to see the fact that your car broke last time, and that your suicide note that got thrown away are signs to not act on your thoughts. That it is a signal to invite you to slow down and give yourself time during what probably feels like eternity to you. You are here and there is breath in your lungs. That alone holds potential, even it might sound pretty distant right now.
@Cookchj, I know these words will probably sound empty but they are meant so genuinely: you have so much worth. It makes sense to feel how you feel, but there is more than the pain that you are feeling, and have probably been feeling for too long on your own. You do not deserve to stay alone with such tremendous pain. You deserve to have a shoulder to lean on right on, and as much as this community as a whole is here for you, I so want to encourage you to stay safe and make sure to not stay alone in times to come. This .45 do not need to stay close to you, especially during such a vulnerable time. We care about you here. And it is without an ounce of doubt that you mean the world to your kids. I don’t want you to miss out on what they are going to experience in the future, nor on all the love they are going to give YOU in return.
You are needed. You belong. I would like to invite to make the best out of this conversation here because you are here, showing up, and because we are here, caring about you. Please make sure to stay safe. Stay with us, friend. You are not alone.
Hi Cookchj. I know you are hurting right now and I know you feel like this is the only solution to this situation. You pain and your feelings are valid. Life can be get really really rough. However I would like you to think about this a bit more before you decide to do this. You obviously care about your children. You dont want them to be in pain. I know you think they will understand but I dont think that is the truth. You dont know what they will think. There is only one way to find out. Please ask them. Talk to them. Talk to the people that care about you and tell them that you are in pain and you think about ending it. I know nobody can speak for you and how you feel but you also cant speak for the people. Please reach out to them and tell them the truth. Together you might find a solution. Something other then suicide. Trying different methods of help. Trying out different things. Please reach out. You are loved and you are valued. Nobody wants you to be in pain but this might not be the way to get better. Hang in there and please reach out. You are not alone.
Cookchj, I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain. Thank you for reaching out here on the wall and talking with us. Please don’t do this to yourself. While it doesn’t feel like it right now, you are important to your children and you are important to us. Please contact your local crisis hotline and get help for you and for your children. You are loved and you are important. Please come and let us know how you are doing, we’re here to walk through the hard times with you, if you will let us. Again, you are loved my friend and you are worth more than you realize.
This isn’t new for me, until the last 6 months I’ve buried myself in devotionals, meditations and even read an entire Bible plan. I simply can’t and don’t want to continue for another day. This life just isn’t worth the effort and the heartache.
Are you telling me God needs me to feel completely abandoned by him? He needs to not fulfill his promise to grant wisdom and peace? God doesn’t give a crap about me because I haven’t strayed too far, he leaves the 99 to find the 1, what does that say about the 99. It says try as hard as you can it won’t matter because God will always be looking for people who have screwed up not people trying to do right.
I’ve resolved that I can’t continue and just am wholly focused on keeping the courage till tomorrow!
My own wife doesn’t care about me. She saw that I reached out to heartsupport and makes fun of me and yells at me. No one truly cares about anyone else. I’ve called those typos hotlines where they placate everything I say and tell me it’s only temporary, I’m 42 and have hated my life for 30 years. It doesn’t get better and things don’t change. Thank everyone I
I’m really sorry your wife reacted like this. The truth is that she’s wrong. She just is. If you had a broken leg it would be mad of her to treat you badly for being unable to walk, but for some reason people are pretty backwards when it comes to maladies in our brains. You deserve treatment and help just as much as anyone else, whether she’s able to see that or not.
That’s such a long time to be dealing with this. I’m really sorry. It’s not fair at all. You should have been offered help a long time ago. I promise you though, this could be the start of something much better if you have the faith to follow through with it. Your wife can’t be trusted with this sort of thing, but that doesn’t mean that nobody cares. Do you have family you’d be more comfortable reaching out to? Maybe a friend would be able to hear you out? I know it’ll be hard, but I also know that you deserve support right now and that you shouldn’t feel bad for asking for it.
It’s clear that a hotline won’t be enough, but I’d still encourage you to call them in times of crisis. They might be what you need to make a horrible night feel just a little bit better and there’s value in that. On top of that, I think you really would benefit from some sessions with a psychologist, just so they can help you figure out what’s going on and work on methods of helping you through it. I really think that’s your best shot, and the best time to start is right now. Are you open to that idea?
I’ve spoken to my father, my one friend, I’ve tried pastors, hotlines, counselors. I don’t believe I will ever feel any better. Now I don’t even care. This life and this world are hopeless. I’m not angry or upset I’m just done. I’m done trying to do what’s right, I’m done hoping things will get better and I’m done thinking that God is for me. By tomorrow evening, no one on this site will even know I’m gone. We’re just lines of text.
My kids are going to have to learn early that it doesn’t help to be good people, only bad things ever happen. Life is too hard md not worth the struggle.
You are wrong. Your children look up to you, take inspiration and courage from you. They love you, and if you were to vanish, never to be seen again, it would change their lives drastically. If you do end it, you will never see them finish school, go to college, see the things that they can do to help others, their marriage, and more.
@Cookchj - I just want you to know that if you are not here any longer - you will be truly and totally missed. Your children will miss you, your father, your friend, this community - we will all miss you. I’m so sorry that your wife has not been supportive for you. You deserve better. Quite honestly, you have been on my mind quite a bit today and I was relieved to see that you were back here posting. Please, please know that your life really does matter. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, things can get better, please consider that possibility. I want tell you that you are not just lines of text, and if you disappear we will be aware of you not responding. You are loved, you are valued and this is one place where we will listen and we will care about what happens with you. Please tell us how you are doing and reconsider getting help from a crisis hotline or even your local hospital. You are worth so much more than you know.
I think part of the reason the people in this community feel so strongly about this is that many of us have been at the very brink that you’re speaking of right now. The things you’re saying ring true in a deep way that words can’t really convey. When you say that you’re done, that only bad things ever happen, that life is too hard, we know you’re not lying. We know those feelings because we’ve felt versions of them too. I’m mostly just saddened that you’ve been wrestling with this for so long without the help you so clearly deserve.
But I see hope here. What difference could just a little bit more time make? Maybe all the difference. I think you deserve to find out, and anyone who won’t support you with that doesn’t matter right now. Don’t you see hope too, when you’re able to share these things freely here and have them heard? We’re listening and we understand. You matter to us and we think we could help. If you can hold out just a little longer, we might be able to help you find the help you should’ve gotten years ago.
Please do call the number below if you’re on the edge. Why not try just once more?
Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255
And beyond that, why don’t you tell us a little bit more of what’s on your mind? How did you get here?
I don’t want to give it any more time. I’ve been very depressed for the better part of 30 years. The last 5 have been the worst. The point is, more time won’t make a difference. I don’t see any hope! The things I have been praying for over the last 5years are peace, hope, and wisdom of what to do. I mean it when I say I can’t go on any longer. I don’t want to. My wife and kids are leaving town this weekend and I get my gun back today. I must get the courage to complete what I started 25 years ago.
That’s a hell of a lot to contend with, nobody can say that would have been easy. I know there’s hope. Why come here to talk to us if there weren’t? The good news is that there are services out there that exist specifically to help people just like you. We can help you, but that’s not possible without you taking that step with us.
You need to tell someone close to you as soon as you possibly can that you’re on the absolute brink. Right now that’s all that matters.
Screwed! I went to church today and tried to turn my mind around, wept at the brokenness that 19 kids the age of mine can be slain. Only to get broken into and robbed again tonight. God wants me to kill myself and I’m happy to ablige at this point.
What difference could more time make? More pain more heartache. I’m going to be alone tomorrow night, I have my gun back and am finally ready to get the done with.
