I´ve always been a pretty independent person, even as a little child I would do my stuff alone and wouldn´t like to ask for help or advice, and it was okay because I would usually be okay on my own. Naturally people gave me a ton of responsibilty and trusted me with a lot of stuff, and I enjoyed it because I felt useful and a bit important.
But then I started to struggle and things got more complicated, because people would still have me over their stuff and would leave me in charge of things, but know I wasn´t really able to handle it all.
When I had my absolute downfall, I gave up on trying to be responsible and I felt even more useless than ever before. I needed to do things for others because I believed I can only be loved if I do things for people, like I have to earn their love and acceptance.
Now I am almost 2 years sober and I´ve been handed over a lot of responsiblitiy again during these 2 years, and it feels good, but often I feel like no one should trust me because I am not sure if I can handle it all and if I just break in the process and fall again.
Tomorrow I will go on a weekend trip with friends to babysit their little kids while they have important meetings. I am already their backup plan, so if I don´t go, they don´t know what to do with their kids. I love babysitting and I love my friends, but I am worried that I won´t be able to handle it all by myself and something will go wrong. I´m scared I will break and the little ones will hate the time there. I´m scared that even though I try my best to function and force myself that it has to work, that it will overwhelm me and I´ll break down.
I don´t want to disappoint anyone, and I don´t want the girls to be uneasy without their parents there.
I am not sure how much responsibilty I can actually handle.