Hey @no-one,
Thank you so much for being here and sharing your heart in such an honest way.
I’m lucky enough to live with someone, and I’m aware of the chance that I have, so I hope what I’ll say would be still valid from your own perspective, because deep inside I can still relate to how you feel. And for sure, this is more about how we perceive ourselves and about self-love than having someone next to us. Even while sharing our life with someone, we can feel terribly alone because we’re still not reaching some kind of self-love, or at the very least self-acceptance.
It sounds that you are really hard on yourself, friend. You are more than this sadness that you feel. So much more than all the flaws you perceive. No one is empty of qualities, skills, desires and dreams. But it can be very hard to be in touch with those, to feel connected with our inner self, when we feel like there’s nothing good to see there. I feel that too, a lot, and my heart goes out to you, really. It’s very hard to feel so intensely, to be convinced that we have no worth, yet seeing people loving us… why is that? What are they seeing that we can’t seem to catch? Are we just doomed to feel that pain forever, and never see ourselves as valuable in any way? I don’t think so. And I believe that, as you’ve posted here and shared all this, there’s a part of yourself who also believe that hope is real, and it’s possible to learn to see yourself differently. This part can be very small, it can seem very insignificant… yet it’s here, it’s beautiful and it’s so important to listen to it.
Not everything that we feel or believe is true. And I can tell, from my own experience, that self-deprecation in general is the result of lies we tell ourselves. We can even see it in a more simple way: does it bring anything good to us? Does it help to move forward in life? Does it help us to grow in any way? No. So just for that, we have the absolute right to doubt of this little voice that keeps saying that we’re not [insert any adjective here] enough.
It’s easy to keep believing this negative voice, and somehow we keep doing that for so many different reasons… reasons that are always valid. But still, we need to challenge those lies if we want to give ourselves a chance to be the person we are, to be true to ourselves and to others. It’s so important to give ourselves the chance to see beyond the tinted glass that makes us feel everything that has a “me” component as being bad, flawed, worthless. There is truth in the love that people have for you. There is truth in the fact that you are here today. It takes a lot of strength to bet on that voice, a lot of vulnerability and courage as well. And for what it’s worth, I’m very proud of you for being here today. It’s a way to say to this self-deprecation voice that it can be challenged by others perspectives. By the words and love of people who want the best for us. And the only way to do it is to put ourselves out there, to bet that something good can come from ourselves… that there is POTENTIAL within us, even if it’s hard to believe it.
Also affirmations can be a VERY difficult exercise. The first time I tried that kind of exercise, I had the same reaction as you. Know that you’re not alone, you’re not weird, and it’s okay to let yourself cry in that kind of moment. Those tears have a reason to be.
Sometimes it helps to try to find affirmations that are easier for us to say, also to do it gradually (to write them down, then another time to say them out loud but without a mirror, for example). In any case, don’t give up friend. Learning to love ourselves is a journey and for so many of us it doesn’t come naturally. But you got this.
I see you. I see your beauty right now. I see your light, even if it’s hard for you to see it. I believe you can learn to see yourself through the lens of truth and compassion, with the right amount of time, patience, grace but also love, from others and from yourself. You’re not worthless. You are so full of life and you belong. 