How to cope?! First experience (tw sexual assault/har)

[e_lynx]

Dearest HS family,
Firstly I’d like to thank you for taking your time to read this. However : if sexual harassment or assault are triggering words /experiences for you, please take care of yourself.

Mind you, my experience might perhaps not be as “horrible” as many other around the world. But I’m not here to compare. It’s not a game and my experiences and emotions are valid.

I’m a 30 year old woman in Europe. Recently changed jobs which I’m very happy with. And at my workplace we had gotten security guards for us, social employees /caretakers, to have less stress and extra safety.
The team and I are fairly happy with the security guards because unlike expected they communicated well and we’re happy with their work.

So : in today’s shift there was a young 20-something year old, who is always nice, security guard. Once the people leave, we employees are meant to check the building if it’s empty.
I was cleaning up something when I think i accidently bumped my butt into his hand, at least I think. Nothing crazy. The spaces there are small.
I was then about to head to the back office to leave a laptop and that security guard went along. I thought he was being nice or just doing the extra effort of checking the area.
As I move along the corridor he touches my back and lower back, saying that I have something there. Dirt, powder, perhaps from the gloves I wore before. I said it’s alright, those were work clothes and stepped into the office. He asked if he could dust it off, I said, “no. That’s ok. I will do it myself later.” I kind of noticed his touchiness and wanted to avoid it. Then he simply grabbed my butt roughly, when I turned away from him, stretching my arm out and said, “no, none of that!”
He said, “alright, alright, was just a joke”, chuckling.
But it really wasn’t.

I went to the toilet and waited till he left. Then went to my Co worker and told her what had happened. She offered to drive me home, so I would feel safe and could avoid him, plus said that I should call my boss straight away.
Once I got home I did exactly that. My boss, shocked, called the security company and made sure at least a first few steps were settled. I will get to that at a later point, but I don’t want that v security guard to be assigned to our place anymore.

Now what. I’ve shared some thoughts and emotions with a friend who experienced something similar at work.
I’ve cried on my ig account because, despite knowing it may be triggering or “uncomfortable”, I need people to be uncomfortable. (didn’t consider ppl nicht be triggered, my bad)

I was robbed of choice. I can still feel the hands on my body, even if it was just once and a split second. It wasn’t a gentle v touch. Or caressing gesture of someone you love or know.
I don’t know how to feel. I feel like crying but I also feel like I’ve been tazed.

I was in a relationship once where I was sexually manipulated, thinking it was full fres will. That’s something I think I’ve dealt with by now.
This is a different caliber. I don’t know what to do…

Black tights, top. And even if I’d worn anything sexual, or non sexual, that does not give anyone the right to touch me without permission.

But why do feel like I want to wear something loose, wide, something that hides my body?

Please help
I’m sorry, but more thankful if anyone reading this! Perhaps a survivor who has… Heck, any knowledge. <3
Thank you
Ella

[Metalskater1990]

I’m sorry to hear your story and having those negative feelings. That security guard was in the wrong and it mess you can’t feel safe at work. You did the right thing to report him to your boss. Again, I’m sorry for what happen to you. Please stay strong and don’t blame yourself for what happen.

[beth_the_fake_ginger]

I am so sorry that happened to you! You may think it’s “not as bad” as other’s stories, but it still should not have happened in the first place, and that hurts. Don’t let comparison cheapen what happened and how you feel. I know from my own experiences with this that not talking about this can be very unhealthy. I’m glad you were able to tell your boss and the right actions are being taken place.

[Micro]

Hey @e_lynx,

I’m really sorry for what happened with this security guard. He had no right to touch you and that was definitely not a joke. Plus, you have the right to feel how you feel. His attitude was highly innapropriate, you didn’t expect that to happen and it wasn’t your fault.

I commend you for doing what was needed at the moment: staying away from him, talking to your coworker, then talking to your boss and even sharing about how you feel on IG. Honestly, that’s something you can be proud of. This kind of event can shake your world and make you feel ashamed, but by sharing what happened you’re standing up for yourself. And you have the absolute right do to so.

Though what you know from a rational standpoint can be different in the way you feel right now. I can only talk from my own experience, but as you said it feels like you were robbed of choice. Even if it happened during a short moment, it’s enough to make you feel very vulnerable and wonder “what if it happens again?”. It’s like a shock, and it’s possible for this feeling to take some time to fade away. The fact that you’re willing to wear something loose that hides your body is understandable too. I’ve been doing that as well and am very uncomfortable when I wear clothes that are too feminine. Though I keep doing it, but it requires a bit of effort sometimes, as hoodies and jeans became my comfort zone.

Give yourself time. Be really patient and non-judgmental with yourself. Keep sharing about how you feel, whenever you need it. If you can, maybe consider trying an activity that could help you feel safe in your body. Something that reminds you that you are safe right now and that vulnerability belongs to something that isn’t happening anymore. Exercising, activities like yoga or dance, can be very powerful for that. You can approach it in away that would be intentional, as a way to find again some peace. Our body has a memory too, so what you know with your mind (It’s not your fault - he didn’t have the right to do that) can feel different sometimes. But you can learn to approach this vulnerability/shock in a way that remains safe and healthy for yourself. Before anything, take your time.

[e_lynx]

It’s getting better, day by day, thank you. I’m trying to keep my head high!

[e_lynx]

Thank you. Yes, I realise now a couple of days later, that I was feeling scared and that I felt pain. Now it’s turned more into anger almost.
Thank you for your compassion!

[e_lynx]

Hi Micro, thank you for that long reply!
I have taken your advice and taken my time, slowly, to do a couple of physical things these days. Without pushing myself too intensely. I actually did start stretching again tp feel more mobile and also vstarted meditating.
The week has turned better. I think subconsciously I’m still working it out. As you say, time is needed.
Thank you for your love and advice!