How to cope with worthlessness?

[danzzyy]

Hello everybody!

I’m a new user here, and it’s nice to have found a place to let my thoughts out comfortably, it’s okay if nobody replies!

I absolutely hate myself, not just myself but my very being and existence. I am a completely worthless person, and I wish I was exaggarating when I said this, because I know a lot of people don’t realize their value, but I don’t have that value. I have no skills, not even social skills, I mess up EVERYTHING, and I mean literally EVERYTHING I try to do, I can’t clean, I can’t cook, I can’t play games, get good grades at school, I can’t even get to a place with Google Maps.

And I hate it whenever people tell me that I don’t realize my worth or that I just have to practice and find my talent, I practice things everyday and still fail every single time, people learn from mistakes but I make the same exact ones every single time, there is nobody I know that isn’t better at literally everything I do, even if they’ve been doing it for a considerably shorter time than me.

I am convinced that everybody hates me and talks sh*t about me every single time, even when I mess something up and nobody is there to see it, it always feels like people are watching, judging, and making fun of me even when I am completely alone. My anxiety is so crippling that I cannot go out of my house, talk to anybody about my interests, including my own family, and everytime I have to explain or excuse something I’ve ruined, I just turn tail and evade the conversation altogether.

On the topic of family, they absolutely hate me. Like I said, everybody around me hates me. My friends don’t seem to want to talk to me, my family is always angry at me for something, and I never have any interesting stories to share with them about my day, I cannot get myself to spend time with them because I’m too ashamed of myself, which translates to even more self-hate because they always guilt-trip me about not spending time with them. I don’t deserve their love in any way, don’t get me wrong, and it’s affirming in a way to know that it doesn’t feel like I receive it sometimes, but it’s still painful to know I have to engage with people who deserve a better child or friend.

I am genuinely convinced that I deserve to die, and that I should end myself as soon as possible, I hate it when people tell me I deserve to live or that I am not worthless because I am. There’s nothing good about me, nobody that actually knows me as a person can say they want me alive, I don’t have anything that would make me useful either to people or to society, I have nothing going for myself.

Is there anything I can do to at least quell the negative thoughts a little? I’ve been considering somehow numbing my emotions completely but don’t know how to actually get to doing that. Suicide is preferable but right now I don’t have any reliable means of doing it so it’s off the table currenly.

[Sapphire]

Hi danzzyy,

I’m a big believer in mindset and manifestation.

For example. If you leave the house one day with the preconceived notion that your day is going to suck, its probably going to suck. If you expect bad things to happen, chances are you’re going to see every single little thing as that bad thing you knew would happen.

I have also learned, throughout my journey with anxiety, that the things we tell ourselves are often far worse than anything anyone else would every think or say in reality.

Suicide is never the answer.

I think the first step to quelling those thoughts is to realize that just because they are there, it doesn’t mean they are accurate. A lot of times they aren’t even close to accurate.

I challenge you to approach tomorrow with a different mindset. It will probably be hard. Your brain will want to keep telling you all those things that it always has because at this point you believe them, but you don’t have to believe them. Try to find even one single thing throughout your day that you are happy with, proud of, etc. Did you have the will to get out of bed? Well, there are many people who are not able to do that from day to day. You seem to have relationships with people - that’s awesome, someone else might not be so lucky.

It’s easy to forget how fortunate we are. This is a snippet of Casey’s gratitude workshop.

The Perspective of Gratitude

None of this is meant to trivialize how you feel. We are all entitled to our emotions, but we don’t have to put up with the lies our brain can tell us. It is possible to change those thoughts, but first you must understand that they are not true. You are a good person, you do have worth, you don’t always fuck up. Maybe you don’t believe it now, but its true.

Hang in there, friend. You have everything you need in order to change.

[LiveResponse]

From: Ash (Discord)

Danzzyy my friend I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this. It is never ever easy when we sit in a world that already compares us to others. I have battle those ideas of everything I am is a failure I am useless and unimportant. It has been a strong battle fore me all of my life so I do understand that. I am not here to say you have value and arent worthless in your view but I will say that isnt the same view everyone holds. You arent this useless person just because you fail. Let me ask you this do you let those failures stop you from picking up and trying again? I want you to not see those as failures I want you to see them as attempts to do your best. If you are giving it all you got than that is all anyone can ask for. You only control yourself and not others. You need to know that sometimes what we fail at is because we are learning skills of accepting failure but not letting it get us to a place of saying well we arent good enough. As for the family and the conversations you have with them that is a tough one. Have you perhaps tried writing down what you want to discuss and than discussing it from points off of a paper. I personally get stressed around my own family so I just am like uh uh uh what to say or do. If you had a conversation with someone online what would you say or talk about there. Perhaps see it as a person online. If you want too here at heartsupport we have an entire online discord and a twitch channel that I will say is extremely accepting of the things said and conversations so perhaps consider starting not in person but online with friends. To learn and see you are able to do communication. I can already say the way you wrote in this post was very well written and clear to me so just know you arent bad and that. I would love to have conversations on just get to know you stuff. I want to finally add a touch to the fact that personally numbing feelings or emotions didnt help me they made it harder to get where I am today. Dealing with emotions by stuffing them down or avoiding them makes it so they are still there and will come when you least expect it. Perhaps instead of avoiding them could you write them down, draw it out, or do some activity that you enjoy that is productive to help you deal with the emotions. It doesnt matter if it is done well or not it can be stick figures or even lines drawn on paper but something simple to put that emotions into use.

[LiveResponse]

From: Night/in/gale (Discord)

Hey there friend! I’m sorry to hear that you feel this way, nobody should go through that alone. The perpetual feeling of failure is very draining, and one I can relate to on some levels. As humans, we all have our fair share of failures, and I know you mentioned you don’t like hearing it, but failing at things isn’t the same as failing life. For my part, a period of life when I felt like a constant failure was during the first years of middle school. Everything was new and different. Never before had I felt more disliked by everyone. We don’t have the same experiences, but I really hear you on that front. Usually, however, those are just intrusive thoughts in our minds playing tricks on us. No one is hated by everyone, as hard as it is to believe. Maybe you just haven’t found your crowd yet? I’m sure there are people out there who would love to be friends with you, as you’re a lovely person. The best advice I can give is that fleeing from failure will never help you get better. It’s hard to hear and even harder to do, but facing our challenges head on is often the best way to go, as it’s through that that we can progress, see where we have our shortcomings, and get better. I’d say the same goes for your emotions. Bottling them up, trying to “numb” them, in the long run, is never a good option. Speaking from experience, they will come back and they will bite you hard, at a time when you don’t expect them to. Finding healthy outlets for those emotions (therapy, for example), is a great way to work through them and start to get better. Failure isn’t simply not succeeding, it’s a real opportunity to learn, maybe even re-orientate yourself to a different field. Yes, it’s a long process, and it’s not all glitter and gold, but it’s worth it. Every person is valuable, including you! And we’re glad you’re reaching out on the Wall! It’s wonderful to have you around. Keep going! No storm lasts forever, and you’ve got this.

[imeastuk]

Hi Danzzyy

Nice to meet you, thank you for sharing :).

It takes soooo much to build up the courage to say something. Thankfully, that’s something you’ve done - reach out when you want to change something. Sometimes, even saying the words makes things a little easier, so well done for making a start.

I would like to point out that you do write very well. Reading your words really moved me. Looking through some of the things you’ve spoken about are things that have affected me in the past (e.g. anxiety, belief I always get everything wrong and people talk about it). I used to think those exact same things. It wasn’t until I realised that everyone feels the same way in some way or another (whether or not they admit it), that I learned to take it easy on myself a little more.

Talking/writing about this kind of thing can really help you sort out the mishmash of thoughts going round your head - I know it helped me. Putting your thoughts on here, for example, may help someone else in your position realise that they are not alone, and use your example as the motivation they need to say something.

There is no such thing as a lost cause, and for someone who writes as well as you do, I would suggest thinking about how you can use that to start turning things around.

One thing you could do is try and do something really badly. I mean really badly. E.g. Draw a person. If what you’ve drawn isn’t quite bad enough, make it even worse. Then, when you’ve finished, you’ll have proven that you can do something well (or bad :)) haha.

I hope this makes sense. Thanks again for sharing. Please listen when I say that you are loved, and you matter to us :).

Thanks, imeastuk.

[danzzyy]

Hello everybody,

I would like to thank everybody in this thread for the replies, even with my negative mindset, it felt very nice to read them, and knowing that there are people (only on the Internet sadly) that actually seem to care, or at least hear me out.

I’m a cynical person most of the time because of some past events I’ve been through, but I want to say I really appreciate the advice I’ve been given here, every single piece of it, and will try my best to follow it through to improve myself, and the life I’m living. (I would mark more replies as ‘Supported’, but I can apparently only mark one, so I apologize if yours wasn’t marked, it’s not a matter of preference.)

Once again, thank you all for taking your time to talk to me, or even just read this post!