There is this paradox while recovering from an addiction/addictive behavior that you describe very well. On one hand, we need a motivation. Something that drives us and will keep being a pillar of strength to us, especially during the lowest times, the ones we are likely to relapse or give up. On the other hand, we are so caught up in the eye of the storm that it gets hard to have the perspective of an outsider, to see the situation from the above, and not as a daily battle.
- Why have you posted here first? What came to your mind?
- What are the things that are meaningful to you? Yes relationships, work and family are the most common things around that we are used to see as what grounds our life.
But what is your heart made of?
- If you knew that your time would be limited, what regrets would you have and what would you try to pursue?
- What are the values you hold on to in your life?
I see you around helping others too. And I don’t want to assume anything, but I think there is a real value in your experiences just because it can allow you to create healing connections with others. My personal struggles never made sense. My traumas never made sense. I lost so much with unhealthy habits such as eating disorders too. But something I never envisioned while battling was that, one day, once peace would have settled a little bit in my heart and mind, I would be in a position to finally create meaning around those experiences. To finally decide what I do with it, and not the opposite. To bring a purpose to it, which is to use those experiences as a way to connect with people who are going through the same. To be this friendly voice that I wish I’d have heard when I needed it. To ease the loneliness and the fears that one could feel, because I would have been there.
Maybe this could resonate with your heart too?
In the end, I also find that to keep on fighting may not always be for what we know or would identify already, but for creating the possibility to something else, something different. Allowing ourselves to just have a chance to be surprised by what this life has to offer. Both the good and bad, but at least existence away from the patterns that are chains to us. For the possibility to enjoy rays of sun on your skin during the morning without having to be worried about your next urge to use. For the possibility to explore, experiment, and take all the time you need to figure out what you want in this life with a more peaceful and rested mindset. For the right that you own, to live life as a whole adventure without the burden of addiction. For the right to fail, to win, but beyond anything to try, like anyone else does.
"Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
That you are here—that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse."