How to put this into words?

For over a decade trying to convince youself that you’re feeling pity for yourself, that things are like this and that it gets better, it always does.

The one thing i want, and i am being fully honest, is to stop thinking. Is not simply that i want to kill myself, i want to forget that i exist, it seems like i am asking too much. It’s one thing to feel this harrow at your twenties, but if it’s with you long enough it gets corrosive, desperate. I have punched my apartment wall, sometimes i want to bang my head to the walls, just again, so i can stop thinking.

This is not coming from someone who for years have just complained, i actually never did, to anyone, this forum is the first thing. I have exercised, i eat healthy, anything one can do, even read deeply into Camus and his so called ‘suicide answer’ in Myth of Sisyphus, some other existential great novels, some optimistic, some pessimistic, some absurdist, some just with stoic wanderings. I will tell you, i have tried reading buddhism, those were some anguished attempts i have been doing throughout the years.

Though practically i have been hopeful, i do not believe i can fool myself anymore with this. I do tell others who have problems that it will get better, because mostly they are living some momentary problem - and they are real, they are full of sorrow, but they actually will pass, for there is a reason for them to exist, once the reason is gone, so is the misery.

What if the problem is nothing? It just consumes you for your whole life, with no answer simply because there is no question other than “what is wrong with me?”

Jesus people, i couldn’t ever imagine i would write these kind of things, i have always thought it would really pass, or worst case scenario i would learn to deal with it, and yet here i am, a grown man sharing some hopeless reflections. This coming from someone who have always tried to convince others that ending it all couldnt possibly solve things, the irony.


I could honestly use some kind words, anything, i will try anything you can suggest, for i do try everything in my power to leave this unbelievably painful situation.


Welcome to heart support, my goodness. The words you have written but so many levels that resonate in me. That feeling of utter hopelessness and at the same time not wanting someone else to experience that same hopelessness.

I think our minds can be so cruel. We feel like we don’t deserve the same love and same chance at life that we wish for others.
Sometimes what we think is complaining can be looked at in the right light as unpacking our thoughts and feelings to better understand them. I’m not sure if you’ve spoken to a professional about this before, but if not, it could be interesting or beneficial for you, but of course that is not coming with pressure that you have to and that all the answers will magically unfold in one session.

Sometimes we in a sense “gaslight” ourselves into thinking the problem is “nothing”. I know I did for a long time with the help of others in my life, because what did I have to be unhappy about?! Mental health doesn’t discriminate and wait for the right person to latch its claws into. It twists all the positives into something sinister. Like “you have friends you should be grateful”… but “all your friends hate you and find you intolerable, but you still have to be grateful!”

There comes a bit of a moment to breathe after being able to say IM NOT OKAY! Just that… thank god that’s finally out there. Just as it is. No because of, or why’s.
You’re allowed to not be okay, but I do hope that if you’re not okay, you reach out.

You are incredibly loved and have incredible value


Hi GoingMad,
thank you for reaching out, welcome to Heart Support.
hopeless reflections ? not at all.
what seems to be the end of all, is a beginning for others, always. what seems to be an outcome, an exit for all that
is, leaves nothing behind than memories for those who love you, for those who will help you in times of need.
life is about learning, life is about growing, life is a journey by itself. for us, for all, and especially for you the most
beautiful journey. we all travel along these path, we all on our very own way, on our very own steps with our obstacles that come along, for some more, for some less.
you will find so many different opinions about life itself. but what is, and will ever be are just the basics.
we begin and we end the same. what is inbetween makes us human, makes us different und makes us who we are. time is and will ever be our best friend and worst enemy in our journey.
you have come along so far, you did great my friend i am sure about this.
there will be a point in life, where it seems to go no further, but always there is a light for all of us. we may not see it
directly, we might not see it instantly, but it is out there. when you give that a chance, take a step outside of your
comfort zone, do something you love, try new things. remind yourself that all you need to see is your next step and
nothing more. don’t look to far into the future. this might not seem as an answer for what you seek, but it can give you a bit of help hopefully to continue your search.
last year was for me, the most worst year of my life. where everything came together, where everything bursted out of me, covid - check, long term probs with it - check, depression - check, anxiety back - check, medication problems - check, loneliness hit like a truckload of shit - double check, was crying for month, did not sleep for month, holy cow reads like a horrorific story to me. but here i am, for you.
remind yourself , all you have to do is breathe my friend. take one step a time.

you are to be held, and not be missed !
you are loved and you matter most, feel hugged :purple_heart:


When I was younger, and faced the “what is the point or purpose of living”, the answer I found solace in was
“Do your duty. Without expectation of reward or praise, do your duty”

You encourage others, you help them through their moments. Do what you have to do, find the reward in doing that, in every moment.

This was a powerfully written post, I commend you on that. I am honoured to be part of a community that you have trusted to share your thoughts and feelings with.
Have you tried bodily pursuits, like gardening, yoga? Things that use your body and mind in a different way, that forces your mind to focus on the task at hand? maybe something like that could get you so zoned in that your mind gets a moment to be quiet.

You are loved and you matter. You don’t have to earn it.


Thank you for sharing here.

I’ve been there - recently. It’s such an odd experience when one cannot point out an apparent cause. I would like to share two things that might help.

  1. A meditative exercise: Set a timer for 15-ish minutes, sit outside, and quiet your thoughts. This may happen all at once, or it may take quieting each one like playing mental whack-a-mole. Once you do, you may feel tempted to put words to what you see, but for this exercise, you must perceive without words.
  2. A doctor could order a blood test. Sometimes, we feel like you have described when our nutrient levels fall out of balance.

Please feel no pressure.


I have not spoken to a professional nor anyone else, i would find extremely difficult to talk about this. It is nice to see people who felt this torment thing and got better, really nice.
Thank you very much for the reply, sometimes reading this kind of thing helps way more than people realise.


Thank you for the kind words! I am, still, trying to find it whatever i should look for.

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Thank you for your beautiful words! Doing your duty for itself is one hard task, and it might very well be fulfilling. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius can be a good example of that, but also a deliberation of how heavy the weight can be for carrying it. Coincidentally it is what i used to yearn, this state of making the virtuous thing for it justifies itself, but the mind gets sick with time, the level of mind control is something i do not believe i can achieve.
Again, thank you for your words, as i said in another reply, these words can make an incredible difference and they might be overlooked sometimes.


Hello and thank you for the advice. You can believe i WILL try the meditative exercise.

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I hope you feel less alone and that you find some comfort in the words shared from people here. I’m so glad you are here x