For over a decade trying to convince youself that you’re feeling pity for yourself, that things are like this and that it gets better, it always does.
The one thing i want, and i am being fully honest, is to stop thinking. Is not simply that i want to kill myself, i want to forget that i exist, it seems like i am asking too much. It’s one thing to feel this harrow at your twenties, but if it’s with you long enough it gets corrosive, desperate. I have punched my apartment wall, sometimes i want to bang my head to the walls, just again, so i can stop thinking.
This is not coming from someone who for years have just complained, i actually never did, to anyone, this forum is the first thing. I have exercised, i eat healthy, anything one can do, even read deeply into Camus and his so called ‘suicide answer’ in Myth of Sisyphus, some other existential great novels, some optimistic, some pessimistic, some absurdist, some just with stoic wanderings. I will tell you, i have tried reading buddhism, those were some anguished attempts i have been doing throughout the years.
Though practically i have been hopeful, i do not believe i can fool myself anymore with this. I do tell others who have problems that it will get better, because mostly they are living some momentary problem - and they are real, they are full of sorrow, but they actually will pass, for there is a reason for them to exist, once the reason is gone, so is the misery.
What if the problem is nothing? It just consumes you for your whole life, with no answer simply because there is no question other than “what is wrong with me?”
Jesus people, i couldn’t ever imagine i would write these kind of things, i have always thought it would really pass, or worst case scenario i would learn to deal with it, and yet here i am, a grown man sharing some hopeless reflections. This coming from someone who have always tried to convince others that ending it all couldnt possibly solve things, the irony.