I posted a few weeks back about my girlfriend lying to me and how it was making me hesitant to be with her. The good news: we seemed to have moved past it. We agreed to work on our communication and are taking it day by day.
After a couple weeks of sensing her pulling away, I figured out what was wrong with me and I came to the conclusion that I dont believe she was cheating on me. I just don’t…the rather pathetic thing on my part is, I kept asking her if she wanted to break up? if I was enough for her or if she felt like I was wearing her down to the point of losing attraction. we had this conversation across a whole week. With me asking her frequently WHY she wanted to be with me.
After some self reflection on my part…I know my past and my insecurities are crippling our possibility of having a normal relationship. I had gone to her apartment the other night, as per usual, and felt the need to tell her how I felt. I know that us looking into the future freaked ME out. and I only realized this after a group of our friends were like…you guys are spending the night at eachothers houses every day. Move in together? this made me nervous…because I am not ready for that kind of move. Any time soon and I know she isnt either. I apologized to her for making her feel smothered but I also know my commitment issues can be confusing and in turn I push her away. I realized, in past relationships and within the last two years of me dating random girls, sleeping with them, getting to know them, and eventually not talking to them had been my way out. With her, its different though. I know how I feel about her and I told her I was concerned that when she left for europe again (not for another 2 years) that i had this idea that she was just going to dump me. I realize how illogical this was and told her this because we dont even know if we’re gonna make it to a year…but we both wanted to try. I know for me, the pressure I felt to have what some might call an adult relationship was hindering my ability to be with her in the moment. She cried and was like:…I like you so much. I have never felt like this about a person and while Im not going to sit here and tell you we’re meant to be together forever, it doesnt mean I do not want to try. She told me she sees me in her future but her depression lately has been beating the life out of her. We have made several dates the last two weeks, and she ends up just wanting to stay in bed. which Im okay to do. I love laying in bed with her and I know she loves this too. Once I realized this, it was no longer about me thinking she was cheating on me.
When we began dating she had told me her antidepression meds would make her very black and white. She said when we met she was in a good place and she says shes been trying to keep her head above water but its just been extremely difficult. She says I am the one thing that has added color to her life lately. So again, we moved forward from this conversation. She once again told me…she does not want to break up and is falling in love with me. When she said this I freaked out, but she reassured me she was just as scared and wanted to continue taking this walk with me.I have told her several times, she never needs to apologize to me about her depression or mental health. I assure her I am here for her wether it is in actual literal sense or…4 blocks away from her house. She will often ask me for space, which I completely respect. She’ll usually call me at some point in the day to go over and just lay with her and hold her. which again, I am happy to do. She doesn’t live close to family and prior to me being in her life, her depression was a battle she went through alone locked up in her house. She said she doesn’t mean to drop plans on me last minute, but just wants me around to hold her. It absolutely broke my heart to hear her say shes been going through this alone. And I again assured her, I can only do as much as she allows me to and if she wants me to. I do not push myself onto her and do not take her depression personal anymore. But, it is very difficult being in that hole with her. I suffered from depression when I was around 21 so i know the feeling of not wanting to go anywhere or do ANYTHING. I found my passion again after I began working out, losing crazy weight, and overall adding some color back into my life. I know I cannot tell her what to do, or give her an A+ plan that will work for her, but I can only be there for her. What I do know for certain, is life has its ups and downs. I know I can get depressed, but I am so caught up with school and an internship that I have to stay busy. I have to get out of bed. So our paths are different right now. This makes me want to break up with her, but I know breaking up with her would absolutely devastate her. But I also know i have to take care of myself, and look out for me. Because I would be devastated to lose her too, but I know life goes on. Its in instances such as these, that our age difference plays out and I can see how it sneaks up on us. I do not want to be a caregiver but, right now I want to stick this out with her. I know from my part, it probably was not nice for me to have asked her 8 times if she wanted to break up–all to which she said no. I know for me, I ask her this because theres a part of me that hopes she says yes. I feel like such a coward for thinking like this, but I know my self-sabotage nature wants to assume she is going to break my heart. When I told her this, she told me this was not a healthy way to think and I needed to get that idea out of my head. I admire her courage and love that she has been able to set her personal sadness aside to reassure me she wants to be here with me…whatever that may be or imply for the future. I feel comfort in this, but also hesitate at her mental state. It drags the joy out of me sometimes and she lost her grandma this last week. We had made valentines day plans and last minute…she cancelled on me and just asked me to go over. I feel like part of her is embarrassed to tell me that she literally spends the whole day in bed or asleep because when I get there, she is usually laying down. She’ll wake up, we’ll hang out, and usually have sex. Lately this has been a repeating cycle…where the sex is great and then shes suddenly out of it. We’ve been having amazing sex and this last week she told me she wanted to continue to have it more…which is good for me, but the day her grandma passed we were intimate. It was amazing and then she turned around to go to sleep and a few minutes later I felt her tears hitting my chest.
This depression is hard. Ive never seen anyone, besides my mother, be this dark and low. I dont want to break up with her, but this has been hard. Does anyone have any advice on how to be there for her and with her? I am afraid it is this that will actually be the end of us…which sounds terrible. But she says I am there for her in the best way and that I just need to continue to do as I have. She is aware her depression has been off the rails lately and told me she was going to try and pull herself out. but I certainly do not want her to feel like she has to do this for me…she has to do it for her. I am falling in love with her too, and although I had a hard time telling her this I know it made her feel better. I just do not want to be another load of worry on her plate. I do not know if I am doing this right and want to understand her depression, but I cant. Should I continue to just be here for her?
