To be honest, I don’t know…!
To me I guess it’s a bit particular 'cause I’m sick already, so I can’t help being at least a bit concerned by this, but I try not to think too much about it. I already received all the informations I needed from my doctor but it’s quite an organization… I still have to go to hospital every week but now I am not allowed to go there by myself and there are areas in the hospital that I have to avoid. Talking with doctors and nurses there helps. And some of them also need it…talking, 'cause they’re more to complain than me, honestly.
But it’s more stressful to go there now. It’s already painful to receive those treatments on a regular basis, the kind that reminds you that your body is vulnerable and you’re mortal, well… with all that coronavirus stuff people only talk about it there. There’s a woman who started to cry next to me because she has a cancer too and she was just so stressed by all of this. It feels like a double penalty for those who are already sick or immunodepressed.
I’m not particularly afraid to get covid-19, but I’m having a hard time with all the uncertainties around it and about the future. Like for how long are we gonna live like this? Being unsure about how thing are going to be has always been stressful to me. I hate lacking of concrete perspective. Like… I’ve been tested yesterday at home because I’ve been feverish for a couple of days. Results will arrive today. But if it’s “just” a flu, how many times I’m going to do that in months to come, as my health is just a mess already? I already have a strong disease to fight, so it’s mentally draining. And I feel that my anxiety is just going crazy.
But I can’t help but thinking about all of the people who lost someone, those who are in closed institutions such as retirement homes, psychiatric hospitals, prisons, and all the medical staff, all the people who are going into bankrupcy because of the political measures… and I feel like I’m really not to complain.
I’m at home, I take care of myself, I can chose not to be surrounded by all of this just by avoiding the news. I feel like when you are hearing the same things again and again, it’s only stressful. Sometimes I look outside and see some birds singing so I can conclude: “well, world is still going on”, as simply as it sounds. It’s a different reality, a more concrete one, and I like to hold on to this one. And really, I know it’s not easy to reduce the amount of news we hear/read, as it’s something that helps us feel like we have a kind of control over something… but I can’t insist enough on taking some distance with it. We don’t need to be informed all the time. And as humans we’re certainly not prepared to ingest such an amount of daily news.
What is working for me is to keep doing what I like, as much as possible. If I start to be too anxious, I won’t be able to handle anything. I already felt like my world was ending because of my health for the past few months. So I just try to make sure that life is going on, through daily actions. Of course there are restrictions, things that requires to be careful, recommendations to follow. But at our own individual scale, life keeps going on.
As I’m too tired, I focus on drawing. It’s relaxing, it helps me to clear my mind. I also read a lot. There were so many books waiting for me to be read and I just realize now that I could have done this earlier. I also try to practice mindfulness when my body isn’t hurting. Like small parenthesis in the day… My favorite one: holding that warm cup of coffee in the morning and taking a very long time to drink it while breathing some fresh air. It’s not much, but it’s practical and concrete things during the day. And I swear… this moment is so important to me.
It’s a bit of ramblings, sorry!
Take care friends. Be careful, be safe.