Huge mental break down

Hey,

So tonight I got in trouble bc I didn’t remember to grab something important. I just got out of a (almost) 3 hour long lecture bc of it along with other struggles I’ve been going through. I can’t find anyone that will hire me, bc I refused to find a job in the past, I’m constantly forgetting important things I have to do, I am just in bad shape rn and any effort I make to try to get better falls through the roof and I can’t even get any positive reinforcement, my progress don’t get recognized, I don’t even get any A’s for effort, my dad isn’t even wanting to regonize my efforts, he just keeps saying “ur not even trying” “ur never gonna get better” thinking it will somehow reverse that when in reality…it’s only making me feel more discouraged and think to myself “what’s the point of even trying if all my father is going to see me for is my past” and now I’m in bed crying bc I feel like I’m at a loss and need help…but don’t feel like I’m ever going to get the help or support I need bc of the way my dad is looking at things and I can’t get him to see otherwise…

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Hey @Andy,

I see you. And of course I don’t know you, but through the words you’ve shared right here I can tell how much progress is important to you, how much you are focused on the next step to take, on bettering yourself and how much you are trying. That’s admirable and I respect you a lot for trying, even despite your dad’s lack of real encouragement.

It’s probably easier for me than your dad to see it. Being a parent implies for someone to want the best for their children, but sometimes parents are convinced that the only way to motivate their children is to point out whay they don’t do, or the goals they haven’t accomplished yet. My dad is also like this. He has learned to change overtime, but for a very long time he would only see the things that weren’t done yet instead of all the steps that were taken to get there. It generally comes from a feeling of wanting us to have a good life. But there are better ways to express that, softer ones. If your dad and you have neverbeen used to be more vulnerable in front of each other, to express how you feel really, to say “I love you” or “I’m proud of you”, then it might take time to learn that.

I understand the importance of the validation that comes from our parents. However, I’d like to emphasize that even if it doesn’t come now, you can still receive the support and validation you need through the steps you’ve taken and will keep taking. Just right here in this community, I have found in two years more support than I ever received in my own family. I extended my own definition of family thanks to this community, and I hope it could be the same for you too. We may not be able to change our parents, they may need time to learn and progress on their own too, but in the meantime we are still living, and still life is worth to be explored anyway. Your dreams, your goals, your projects, your needs… these are all important and worth to not give up. You are worth it, Andy.

Just to understand a little more your situation, are you currently looking after another job? I know from experience how stressful that can be! It’s a real challenge that can make us feel inadequate and worthless. Rejection from potential workplaces hurt. But that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have what it takes to find the right environment. It’s like a dating game. We force our luck, but there are also many aspects of the process that are beyond our control. So, through it all, it’s important to be patient with yourself and give yourself some grace. Your efforts are real. Your dad may not see it, but you know what you do. You know the steps you’ve been taking. And when you need it, or when your dad makes you doubt of yourself, then I encourage you to take the time to reflect on this progress. On all the practical things you have done so far. Because these steps are building a progress that you own!

You’ve mentioned that any effort you make to get better falls through the roof. May I ask what “to get better” means here, practically? I hear what you said about your need for a job and the fact that you tend to forget important things. Are there other issues you’re trying to work on? What are your main obstacles right now to get where you want? We can talk about it and try to find ways to support your efforts. Problems are made to be solved. It’s okay if sometimes the first thing we try and thought would be a solution is actualy not working. We just need a different strategy.

Finally, did you ever have the possibility to express all of this to your dad? To explain, through a calm conversation, what are your needs and how you could involve him in your own progress? Sometimes people around us are easily harsh or upset because they want us to succeed but feel helpless in supporting us. Maybe by trying to set a common ground, a basis to work on in which both of your roles are clarified, could help to create some peace between you? There seems to be some needs on both ends that are not fully expressed. And I get it… it’s scary to be vulnerable and express our needs/expectations. Sometimes though, it’s what is needed to improve the communication between people, and make it more honest and loving.

All in all, we are here to support you as well. You can count on this community to be a resource to you. Feel free to join us also on the Discord server and during the live streamings on Twitch. You’d only be met with love.

Let the tears happen. Let the pain fade away. You will be okay. You are capable. You are loved.

I’m proud of you for reaching out and opening up to us here. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Andy.
I am sorry your efforts dont get regonised. It must be very frustrating and painful for you. I know everything seems hopeless right now but it is not. You see the progress you make and that is important. @Micro here also sees how much this matters to you. You are doing this for yourself not your dad, me, or anybody else. If your dad cant see it than screw him. You matter and you try to improve no matter what he says. Stay strong Andy. Keep at it. You are getting there slowly but surely. :wink:

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Hello friend,

Parents are funny creatures. There are so many factors that went into creating their style of parenting, and how they express their affection, that has literally Nothing to do with their kids. The way their parents behaved, the level of open and honest communication they had, how stressed they are, and there are a lot of parents out there who love their kids and expect their kids to JUST KNOW that, without ever having to say it.

I don’t know him, but the things you dad says reminds me of a movie I once saw. The mother in law would criticize her daughter in law who took care of her all day long, bathroom needs, food, etc. and the older woman never had a kind word to say to this lady. Until the day others started to criticize her, and only then the MIL spoke up and defended the DIL and expressed her love. Not saying this is the case with you, but sometimes it is so difficult for parents to think of what their kids NEED, (kind words, a loving hug, understanding for mistakes, etc) because they truly believe they’re PROVIDING for their needs. Shelter, food, clothes, schooling costs are what they think is the focus, not the internal emotional and mental wellbeing.

All that said, I see why it is difficult to only hear bad stuff from your dad. But I think this is his way of encouraging you, in a very weird, roundabout way. It’s like reverse psychology, he thinks if he says “you’re not gonna get better” then you will work hard to prove to him/show him that you can get better.

But you are making progress. YOU recognize this, you recognize your efforts. YOU must celebrate and make note of your progress.

If you keep forgetting things, get a massive notebook and a bag to carry it in. Make tons of notes during the day about what needs to get done. When we’re new to things, or when we’re overwhelmed, we tend to forget, and start a cycle of panic and fear and anxiety, which all further prevent us from thinking clearly.

SO WRITE IT DOWN. Nothing beats having words on paper (I mean, there’s probably apps that could do it too, but I like old school pen and paper lol).

And one las thing… Use that long lecture for good. Use it to motivate you to keep notes and grab everything next time. Make checklists for stuff to pack, maybe, if it’s that kind of job. Sounds simple, but it really helps.

We see you. We know you’re trying. Once you feel the importance of that, what others think will be secondary. Yes you want your dad to be proud of you and compliment you, but to get there, first start complimenting yourself and being proud of you. This will give you a sense of confidence that will quite literally changeyour vibe, even your body language, and these are things your dad might notice. So don’t do it for him, do it for yourself - because you have value and worth, just by being you :hrtlegolove:

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