Hurt. but by my own emotions?

I can’t help how i feel , hurt by my own emotions because of what happens or whatever. When ever I do something and it turns out terrible or whatever, i feel like i f’ed it up i f’ed myself up. or i feel like i shouldn’t be alive or what. what messes with my emotions, i don’t exactly know. it makes me feel like “i deserve to die” , my mind goes to “oh kill yourself” . Or even my mind says “i don’t diserve to be alive” sometimes. the first time i self harmed was when i was 15 i believe… all these thoughts i feel like if i try to correct myself i ended up slapping myself to knock it off to stop thinking like how i am or feel … when i feel this way harming myself comes to me being an emotional mess but i sometimes don’t fall through with it … why is my mind so all over the time. i feel like there is information missing but its hard for me to write this at the moment i just don’t know what exactly to say. this is hard on me and my mind. i just don’t understand at all. why am i like this, why is my mind like this, why am i even here to feel like this especially when panic attacks start cause i just panic and i just poor it out. i just need answers or advice or what ever would help me so i don’t “feel” this way. i feel like it was important to type how i feel but at the same time i don’t. i just don’t know what to do or say. I am sorry , i usually poor my heart out when i am typing but in this instance this is hard for me to type how i feel emotionally and physically. i just wish i can feel better and not “abuse” or emotionally hurt myself when i think these negative thoughts. i just want to be done with how i feel. i don’t want to be sad but i know it wont stop because i am human and i just…
thanks for listening .
-Ashley
p.s. sorry about the confusion if any this is super hard right now i will continue to add stuff below if i am missing anything

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With my experience in self harm and suicidal thoughts is that its often triggered by something. Can you think of something you do that you might associate with these feelings, even subconsciously? Perhaps the time of year, the clothing worn, the food eaten, the activities you do, etc.?
Alternatively the changing of the weather given this time of year really messes with my emotions and struggles and it might be the same for you.
You’re the only you in this world, and your feelings are valid and you are valid. Out of the 7.6 billion human beings alive you are the only you. You are brave, really im not just saying that, you are brave for coming here and it is not easy to deal with these feelings and the fact you are getting help is incredibly brave and powerful You’re unique, you’re incredibly kind, you’re always someone who i enjoy seeing type in discord and twitch chat. Without you here the world would be incomplete.
-Ethan/StevenHawkingTalkingDirty

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Dearest Ashley,

You are so loved my friend thank you for sharing all of this with us. I can tell you are not sure how to write this or what to write but it is clear to me that you are struggling with this. First let me start by saying you know that it is okay to not be okay and that live will not always give us the answers we desire to find right off the bat it is hard because life is not this simple here is how to fix it kind of thing. I am the kind of person that every time something goes wrong I get mad at myself and take it very personally but that is because of who I am. I have learned that sometimes my mind is wrong. I may think one thing but truly that is not the answer or the reply that someone is giving. My mind goes to the extreme to the point I have to step away. I have started asking people like my close friends is this true or blank to see if they see or heard that too. My mind is a mind filled with anxiety and let me say it is hard. You need to know when you mind is lying too you. It sounds like to me that you desire to be this perfect thing and that is not possible going to be honest with you that the person you are is the person that I see as special and important flaws and all. You arent a failure for messing up or having issues you are perfect the way you are. DONT STOP BEING ASHLEY. Also dont hate on yourself for it because what you are is who you are.

Hold fast and know I care
Ash

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Ashley, I get how you are feeling I have felt this way for so long and still do from time to time. You are an awesome streamer and a amazing friend. We want you here and this place is better with you in it. Emotions are hard they come in fast and are overwhelming but dealing with them is safe ways like talking or writing them out helps and it becomes easier over time. this is something you can get better at. Life gets better.

-Evan

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Ashley,

I am sorry that you are struggling through this please know you are not alone.

I have dealt with self injury also and man I get how hard it is to get through that. It is like when something bad happens you just don’t kniw what to do, so you just resort to what is comfortable- self injury.

I want to say that you have come so far my friend and you are such a light in this world.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss ( your old pal Blurryface)

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Hey Ashley,

Have you checked out HeartSupport’s book “Rewrite” yet? I think you’ll like it a lot, and it has some exercises at the end of the book that I think you’ll find really helpful. In the meantime, know that your life is SO valuable and that you never ever deserve to die. We love you and want to see you win this battle! When I’m feeling down, I’ve found one of the best ways to fight back is to exercise - maybe try going on a light jog sometime? Especially during the summer when the weather is beautiful! Or, if you have a pool, swimming is a really good way to relieve stress too. You got this! You’re strong!

-Eric

my body doesnt like me running. ive ran at school but my body wont like me … its a long story but yeah… i usually do walks.