Back to heartsupport

Hurting Friend

So I have this friend and he is in a terrible marriage his treats him like garbage. Everything has to be about her. She works 2 part time jobs and he works a full-time 12 hour shift job. He can’t do anything he wants to or s h e bitches him out. He never feels good enough everything he does is wrong in her eyes. She made him pay for her medical card to legally smoke weed and so goes out drinking all the time and gets shit faced and needs baby sat and needs him to be the dd and her “friends” are just the same. He’s like a brother to me I try to give advice where I can but he won’t take it he says he loves her and doesn’t want anybody else but also says things like if a divorce would happen he knows who he would pursue. I just needed to vent that out and get it out of my head. Just hate to see him lose himself because of her.

8 Likes

I was in a very similar relationship for 18 years. I just became accustomed to feeling like crap, and having zero self-esteem. I really didn’t anticipate any change until one day I realized I would either end the relationship or my life.

The problem with giving advice is that it can induce a partner to cling to the relationship even more desperately. Sometimes people are emotionally addicted to relationships that aren’t good for them. That certainly was the case for me.

As a friend, be a good listener, and encourage him to feel good about himself. People with good self-esteem are far less likely to put up with a bad relationship. It sounds like he has already lost himself. Hopefully, he will find himself again.

6 Likes

I’d agree with Wings, offering advice can have the opposite effect.
I’d say try watching movies that have more positive relationship representations with him, that remind him that those exist. Talk about the films, and how nice it is to see that on screen, amongst the usual garbage where the acidic wife is meant for jokes (avoid those, so maybe no sitcoms).
Don’t talk about his situation directly, but talk about what a healthy relationship looks like to you.

4 Likes

Hi @DinoMomma

I’m really glad your friend has you right now, sounds like he is going through a really dark place in his life and needs the support and care of friends like you. I know it has to be driving you crazy to see him get used and hurt over and over. Maybe let him know about this space so if he decides he wants to he can talk to folks here and it is safe/anonymous for him.

Hope things get better for him soon <3/Mish

3 Likes

From: twixremix

hey dinomomma! first off, thank you for being so vulnerable in this situation and wanting the best for your friend. you are a wonderful and caring friend and i’m so glad he has you in his life to be a shoulder to lean on. i agree with both wings and sita in their advice to listen as well as remind him what a strong, equal relationship involves through open discussions. all in all, while you can’t change the situation, you can be there to have his back and that’s truly the best thing a friend can do. sending you, your friend, and even your friend’s wife so much comfort, peace, and good vibes. love, twix

3 Likes

I 10000% agree with the previous posters on your post. Life can have its ups and downs, and it is always good to have friends to be there for them. Thank you for coming here to find help in this situation.

3 Likes

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi @DinoMomma I think it’s great that you care so much about your friend. I think just being there for him if he feels like he needs support and help is all you can do. As frustrating as that sounds. He can also come here and post if he wants. I’m sure you could encourage him to do that, if he feels he needs to. ~Mystrose

4 Likes

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for your post, Im sorry that your friend seems to be having a rough time, sadly this is not an uncommon situation and I am sure he is very happy to have to you as a listening ear however sometimes the person who tries to help the most is the one who ends up getting the blame if it goes wrong so just be careful please. Also if your friend would like to post on the wall himself we would be happy to respond to him too. much love Lisa. x

3 Likes

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, DinoMomma! Great name :+1:

You sound like a really good friend for wanting to help them. I know from experience that if you try to force people to see they are in bad relationships it tends to go poorly. I’ve nearly lost friends just trying to show them the truth of their toxic relationships. So tread carefully if you continue trying to help. I really like Sita’s advice about the movie nights showing healthy relationships. Help him find the truth without forcing the issue.

If and when the marriage comes to an end just be there to support him. No "I told you so"s or anything like that. Just hug him and tell him that you are sorry he is in pain and is sad.

I know it’s difficult to see your friend go through something and you just want to help them but ultimately this is his life and his decision whether he works through it or not. The most you should do is encourage him to work through what is going on and maybe improve communication with his wife. For your own mental health I wouldn’t force yourself into someone else’s relationship. Good luck out there :hrtlegolove:

4 Likes

Thank you to all of you who commented. I can only do so much seeing as his wife doesn’t like me and she thinks there is something going on even though there’s not that’s hiw insecure she is. So we don’t hang out together just the 2 of us any more. Plus he knows he’s in a toxic relationship so it kind of makes it worse. But I don’t push the issue he just comes to me to vent because I have done so with him. He’s the one that told me about this forum so he has used it. I have also told him to start using it again. But thank you again for you suggestions and kind words.

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.